The Morning Bleat

experimenting just to see if this is still live

2011-10-21T09:41:00.001-10:00

I'm on wordpress now at www.akaisilks.wordpress.com but returned here to see if it's still live..

how long to touch

2009-12-02T14:55:00.003-10:00

the water again..

my dreams have been full of water and dolphins lately..my soul misses hawaii.

I'm not sure how long I've been here..over a month, probably about 5 weeks? not sure..a considerable amount of progress has been made i suppose but time drags when you exist to exist instead of meet each day with a full heart. the desert has been a delight but the cold weather is coming and the autumn weather will be gone. i'm pale and have forgotten about what it feels like to have humidity in the air.

the state board is really taking their time issueing my license. it's tough to run akai with any sort of fervor when a clinical that could start asap looms near. i don't want to be too immersed in silk to have to turn around and slow things to complete the clinical..there is more than enough work on the table right now to hold me over for the four weeks that clinical will take. then i am free to wait for a job here in arizona or apply back in hawaii. i may do both at the same time and see who hires me first. if mayo hires me on i'll do a year there..somehow.

such a strange twist to come back to the desert i hated years ago to complete a clinical in hospital type nursing when all along i love hawaii the most and so far, based on limited experience, do not want to work in hospitals

there is a darkness in this house that won't go away..i'm out in the sun enough during the day but this house sits so that it's always in shade. i can't stand it. and i know summer it's too hot to be outside. i can't live indoors. wow i miss hawaii so much.

waiting another phase of the moon..perhaps by this time in 28 days i'll have made it part way thru clinical

is it just a mirage?

2009-11-09T16:39:00.002-10:00

This afternoon the little red car sped me thru the mountainous terrain of Scottsdale, I've never been too familiar with the area other than clubbing in the townie parts in my 20's, as I get to know the desert landmarks up there I am liking it more and more.

I knew it was going to be the Mayo clinic from a distance. A tall square like building in the middle of a clearing, situated on a large, well landscaped desert lot with its own ecosystem. MAYO CLINIC in what looks like silver lettering on the top of the entrance. It was pretty spectacular.

I tend to have a fairy tale image of medicine still..I believe in good doctors and nurses who really can save people. I believe in miracle treatments, and of patients who comply with treatments and see results. I believe in preventative care where patients take the initiative in caring for their bodies before trouble starts, instead of heading towards failure then blaming a diagnosis.

It was something I did not let on much about but my last clinical day in Hawaii was a really good one in a way, but a not so good one for the 'health' of nursing homes. I had had enough of a charge nurse at the facility berating every nurse on the floor. After shift report I made sure the nurses getting report overhear me say to stop talking to me like that and show me how to do something instead of demanding I do something that I did not understand (paperwork) then bitching when it wasn't done properly. I had asked her a few times to show me the paperwork and each time she turned away. She's bitter..I understand..she's spent her career in nursing homes. That takes serious courage and stamina. Working in nursing homes, well I will step on that rock a different day. That's worth pages and pages of blogs in itself. Anyways, she didn't care for the fact that a new agency nurse was not scared to face her and speak up. Instead of listening to the problem and how communication could be improved, working conditions improved, nursing work strengthened, she chose to walk off. I felt relieved with myself , for after a 9 year absence, of not allowing myself to be talked down to. Self respect was a defining moment. On the downside, that nursing home will continue to deteriorate under crappy management and ill support for their staff.

I don't know exactly why Mayo offers a fresh start. I didn't really set out to be a hospital nurse but if I had to choose a hospital to work in, this would be one to consider. Computerized charting, pyxis systems that made sense, a slow quiet pace on the floor, no overhead speakers, all white uniforms (sure makes a place look organized), a friendly, helpful staff. Let's not mention the cutting edge research. Let's not forget the transplants.

I first saw the MAYO building and felt a pride and a future of excitement that I have never ever experienced before as a facility nurse. Sure, it could end up being just another hospital with its problems. But I think this place is something special, and I can't wait to get hired on. I'd love for this to be the place where I do my time.

manifestation

2009-11-02T05:25:00.003-10:00

some people may not realize it but you can manifest a lot for your life if you meditate and spin. if you think about the spin ...the negative energy is discharging from the outer orbit at the same time you are attracting positive energy into your inner orbit. one hand is palm up receiving, the other palm is facing down to balance and dispel. the spin creates a gravitational vortex that brings about what you wish for or what you need for healing. spinning with white candles, or white veils, allows for an open blank slate to paint your picture.

what are you going to draw into your life?

select photos from Sedona Oct 2009

2009-10-27T11:55:00.000-10:00

tiered skirt

2009-10-27T05:07:00.003-10:00

one photo of many, tiered style gypsy skirt ..can be dyed ombre or mixed style as shown

taken at Boynton Canyon, Sedona Oct 2009 copyright A'Kai Silks

sedona gypsy magic

2009-10-26T19:57:00.004-10:00

gawd i love being back in arizona. after a few days in phoenix doing must do's we trekked to sedona. i couldn't wait any longer. of course i went straight to boynton canyon after a quick appetizing drive thru oak creek canyon to glimpse the changing trees.
Boynton has a fast electric zapping energy. Just driving down the road towards the canyon I get jumpy and hyper. I actually sat up at the rock center today and started giggling uncontrollably. James felt silly too. We have pictures to prove it. I have to find the camera adapter first to load it to computer.

I was hit by so many new ideas and I hope I was able to write them all down on the itouch for future use. i would close my eyes and see colors and garments. everything i've ever loved about cool clothing has come back since i've been on the mainland. i love living in hawaii but style and new ideas can get a bit stale. i need the pulse of the arizona land to remind me .

many new pictures to share. and i'll need to dump the old website since it will be easier to build a new one. it's fun to build.

picked up some juniper ghost beads since i've been having bad dreams since i got to arizona. hope it's just nerves settling. it's tough to accept i'm back here despite it being voluntary and perhaps temporary.

Mayo clinic informed me that I have been accepted for a clinical rotation starting soon. I am shocked that I didn't have to interview for it..I'll be rotating on med surg oncology and hope to land a job there when i'm done. google mayo it's pretty big. i feel very privileged to be able to do a clinical there.

the magic truck arrived and dumped a lot of project in front of me. nursing clinical, new ideas, new website. i hope i can make some progress on the new item ideas before i lose motivation but nursing is going to take 100% for at least one month.

a ten year cycle

2009-10-17T05:35:00.003-10:00

ten years ago i could not wait to leave phoenix, arizona..i was finishing up my nursing school and was counting the days until i could leave that hot dry hell hole. ten years later, after living in hawaii for four years, i am ready to go back and spend some time getting rock solid experience in nursing again. funny how life cycles us back to the same rock we came from

i don't know when i'll be back on the island. am looking forward to daily winter sunshine and tall dry mesas again. am looking forward to driving fast on open highways and watching dust storms approach from the estrellas. am looking forward to my tenants leaving should i be there in april, as a gorgeous four bedroom house awaits that's mine all mine.

sometimes life on the island wraps you up and you forget what your other dreams are. you spend your time collecting shells and fishing to get by to remain on the island and then there comes an opportunity to sit on a solid rock again and build a foundation. and maybe find a new island for summer break.

there's been a recent breakdown of everything lately. what appears to be an earthquake is just shifting the bad bricks out ..and determining if the land is worth building on again. arizona is that land right now, it's forever, it's eternal. it's home. i'll miss hawaii but it's nearing winter in hawaii right now and the summer blazing energy is gone. the tourists have gone home and i'm sad to see them go. it's time to park it near a cactus with a notebook and reorganize. laptop on hand..

falling stars

2009-10-01T07:40:00.002-10:00

day two, the patient census was the same, luckily there were no new admits or labs or xrays but the patients i did have were a handful. i plunged right in to the med pass and prayed nothing else would happen until i could get a good portion of it done. it seems it would make more sense to me, if there is a 7am med pass, to start report at 530 so we could be on the floor with the keys by 0600. but not much makes sense about facility organization.

those who are arguing over health care reform..press the reset button and please first start with the organization of facilities. the whole thing needs to be flushed and re-done. it's a mess. i don't even know where to start.

the bully nurse was there, once again schooling the night nurse on everything she didn't do, instead of thanking her for what she did do. i've developed a quick relationship with the night nurse and told her that she was doing a great job, that no single nurse can handle all those tasks alone. i must have had a very set expression on my face yesterday as the bully nurse left me alone. she must have realized that i am a damn good nurse and even after a long absence i busted ass and took names. she told me that she would handle the front desk and doc orders and i would run the floor..which i agreed to quickly. then i found her outside playing guitar. AND she left before shift report. i'm stunned. the agency nurse..that's me..was the one who stayed longest.

yesterday one of our patients was starting to ..fall.. we refer to hospice patients as falling stars. as you know i've done hospice work before and felt very fulfilled by it.

this lady , we'll call her Eve, was starting to have the shallow rapid breathing, body rigidity, slight fever, and was not responding to verbal anymore. i saw the hospice nurse assigned to Eve make a quick visit but she was outta there before i had a chance to ask anything. the family started arriving, all of them, so i ended up spending a lot of time with them and assuming the hospice nurse role. they needed answers to questions about the death process. they wanted comfort knowing Eve was not in pain. of course they asked me when she would pass and we can't answer that. one of the grand daughters asked me if Eve could hear her if she knelt by the bed and talked to her..i said yes, she can, so she spent some time talking to Grandma. There was a strong family dynamic, it was obvious one of the sons was the leader of the family and his distance and face rigidity made the other family members tense.

This facility does not necessarily do daily charting on a patient. I pulled the chart to see nothing had been written since the 27th. Her bp had been high and she had been agitated following a fall (no injury). I reviewed her history so I could better answer their questions and get a better picture of what was happening. The nurse who had visited that day had not left any charting or note but maybe it's faxed over later? I don't know. All I could see was nurse assistant reports with vital signs and the general 'no change' status.

I could feel with this nursing intuition I've been blessed with that this family just needed a nurse to be there with them to answer questions.

At one point I was standing next to Eve, the one son who was the family leader, unbreakable, showing no emotion, was standing on the other side of the bed. I touched Eve's hand with my own, then reached out and took his hand. He jerked away. I looked up at him and took his hand firmly but gently, then used my hand to place his hand on Eve. His shoulders dropped and he started crying. I could see relief ..there was a gasp in the room. I was later told that no one in the family had ever seen this man cry. He looked up at me and gave me a single nod.

There was a quietness in the room and there was also a glow as if tiny candles were set around the room. I'm not sure how to describe it..death has an anticipation somewhat similar to the arrival or birth of a baby, of course the energy is different but there is an anticipation in the room. Eveyone was very peaceful.

My prayers to Eve and her family.

day one

2009-09-30T05:09:00.003-10:00

was as expected..the night nurse was so far behind we didn't get report for thirty minutes which left me already behind a stiff heavy med pass on my first day. i felt bad for her since she was getting her ass chewed up one side and down the error by one of the old school nurses who felt it was her only concern to nitpick. i guess that old school nurse has forgotten what it's like to be a floor nurse and prefers to hide behind a desk with paperwork. she's forgotten the troubles of being on the front line. that's fine i'd much rather be on the front line. but hey lady if your ass is going to be sitting behind a desk all day don't give me the cell phone to answer while i'm holding morphine sulfate in my hand.

i'm pleased to know that at 38 years old i've really grown into myself, i do not really know any more about nursing that i did when i was 28, but the life experience has provided a confidence that simply won't take shit from others. if the old school nurse could ask a question without adding "you haven't bothered to do this yet have you" the day would run smoother. nurses need to work as a team, we are already up against nearly insurmountable conditions.

but i did it and i did not go home feeling deflated or emotionally abused. i feel ready to meet her head on again today.

they stuck me on the crappy hallway, i knew they would. census 19 of some pretty involved cases. three labs, one xray, doc order changes, a new admit. wound care, jevity feeding x 2, an incident report and i caught a pretty hairy med error that was incorrectly transcribed and has been going on for two weeks. hey old school nurse with your ass sitting how did you not catch that since you are so by the book?

back again today. glad i work two days a week. met with two hospice nurses who practically guaranteed me jobs on the spot. i'm torn between trying to get in to labor and delivery and going to hospice. hospice thrives on team work and you leave the day feeling like you really made a difference.

general nurse blog disclaimer

2009-09-24T07:12:00.002-10:00

Yesterday was a five hour orientation back into a life I left behind 9 years ago for too many reasons to count. I do not know what lies ahead and can't pre-judge my reactions but it's sort of like being previously married and then entering into a new marriage with more info and experience about what to expect..knowing that nursing is not a fairy tale where you put bandaids on people and heal them and they smile and everyone is saved. I have 9 years more life experience , am more confident in myself as a person, am more assertive dealing with crappy attitude people, and found that I truly do love working with the elderly.

My disclaimer is that I will be sharing a lot of stories about working as and being a nurse. It is my priestesshood, something I took an oath for (and had to take time off from). I will use names but not the real name of the person involved. Blogs are for information and entertainment purposes. We see so many fragile and uplifting human conditions..what better way to learn about the human race than to understand them inside out.

I do not assume that I am on expert on anything. crap, I've been out for nine years and a lot has changed , but bedside care and an intent to heal people and to try to get a smile from them when they are in a not so good condition, is still my purpose. I do not treat conditions I treat people.

Nine years later it does not surprise me how many times I see other medical professionals treating patients as the job, and forgetting to say hi to them with a smile or asking about their family. Nursing homes are tough places to work, we see the same faces and sometimes get a new admit. But in that way, you end up developing relationships with people. You are going to know that Edith won't take her meds first time around but soon she'll forget about it and 20 minutes later take them without an issue. You will know Yumi will yammer at you until she gets coffee. You will know that 70 pound Irene will set off her alert constantly by trying to get out of her wheelchair but if you park her near your cart and talk to her quietly, she'll stay put and then by breakfast time you will find her asleep on her eggs and toast.

yesterday my confidence skyrocketed. I guess the crowded mind tries to figure out what was left behind and how much is really remembered. I have never worked as an RN in a hospital setting, I worked as an LPN in school in long term care, skilled nursing, assisted living and hospice. After graduation I charmed the recruiter at a hospice into training me as a hospice nurse. LOVED the job. May end up back there. But I did a lot of agency work and loved the freedom.

So yesterday was ease, the brain sparked alive by seeing charts and things i thought i may have forgotten. I'm still a bit rusty and won't be rushing off to start any iv's on a dehydrated or agitated patient. But I was able to competently discuss conditions with family members (teaching is my fave part of nursing next to getting a smile from the grouchy ones) , the cart was familiar in its stacked chaos of meds , I knew a treatment cart charting, I knew where to place doc orders. I could probably even shuffle slowly thru a new admit. Many nurses hate admits due to the paperwork..I love them. I love gathering information and although I am a nurse, my brain works to figure out diagnoses too. I think like a doctor and care like a nurse.

Nine years ago I went on hiatus from nursing, I was BURNT OUT after six months of being an RN. I had already worked for a few years as a CNA and LPN. I was disillusioned by the perfect world of healing and tasking that I thought nursing would be and was horrified by what goes on behind closed doors. I vowed to always be a patient advocate, screw the facility. My loyalty is and always will be with my patients.

In that time away I started a business, helped raise one son, and had another one. The baby is two and I knew it would be good timing to go back. My surgery was a week ago, to the astonished look of others I am back at work 8 days later (what's the biggie, guys?) I have been remarried, bought a house in Arizona, and found my place of heaven on earth at south shore in Waikiki. Yesterday the mini planets aligned and there was an audible click as I entered the nursing home, nine years late, and felt right at home.

Met with the usual disapproving look of nurses who work at the facility full time. Ohhh agency nurse. But I did not cower and act 'nice' ..I latched on to another agency nurse and she showed me the ropes. I felt ready to be on my own in two hours.

I love akai silks and will keep things running and balance it with my boys, with surf, and with the nurse job. but it's a wonderful feeling to walk in, clock in, clock out and know I just earned a nice chunk of change. Something that required school that was long, grueling, full of social sacrifice. I did not keep my license active but by the grace of Hawaii it was easy to get it back. I took a refresher course on my own (could have used the time better to just study from textbook) .

It is a wonderful, secure feeling to know the time I put in to the job today will result in steady pay. I can, by myself, go out and rent a penthouse unit overlooking the beach. Akai is good money, at full speed that sweetheart was a cash calf, and I put blood and sweat into it, and won't let it drift away, but the needs of the business have turned into wants and that allows a greater experimentation..and taking time off from it to renew. Akai is not always steady pay, you save for rainy days. Nursing is steady enough I would consider signing a mortgage in Hawaii if i found the right place.

With my first nurse check I'm treating my boys to new clothes and shoes and maybe some itunes for the teen.

I gotta go make a poo poo. Then answer akai emails. Then go surf :) Life is good.

veils again what else

2009-09-20T06:57:00.003-10:00

just an excerpt from a passing thought posted elsewhere, it keeps the world in balance for me. there's nursing and financial means and there's akai

My work and dance with veils was heavily influenced by Loie Fuller, Eva Cernik, and Adnan Sarhan. I believe in the veil as a meditative dance partner and an extension of the human energy (an aura field) ..not just an accessory. Veil dance has been hugely influential on life, I love to make silk veils for dancers of all types but also make some for practioners of healing work and therapy. I donated veils to a nursing home once, and they used the veils with a group of people who were still ambulatory and you should have seen them light up. I have always believed that Adnan Sarhan, one of my mentors, has instructed me not only to dye and color the veils but to move into instruction and teaching with them. Production has taken up 75% of work time over the past 8 years and if I can afford to cut back now , to travel and teach using some of the bellydance teaching and also Adnan's teaching, I would love to do so.

Thank you, Dina, and others, for reminding me why I do this. It's not about the next color pattern or how many wholesale accounts or being the fastest distributor. This 'business' has been so much a heart and soul project since the very first veil.

the kiss of sleep

2009-09-18T23:24:00.003-10:00

i don't think i'm gonna get lucky enough to be blessed with a waking kiss from some hot dude. but i'll take the sleep.

the other day after surgery..i normally come home and sleep for three to four hours, for some reason i made myself wake up and pulled thru, and stayed awake till rather late. dumb but i didnt want to sleep my boys' entire birthday away. so i've been playing catch up the last couple of nights and unfortunately 6 hours a night is not enough.

yesterday was really emotional..withdrawals from pain medications and four hours of sleep the night before. finding out the cancer had all been removed and the lymph node was clear. i think it was the first time i've exhaled in three weeks. and even after that i still went to bed late.

this morning the coffee was fine but by 10 i was ready for a nap, crashed for an hour, solid. woke up still feeling exhausted. relief is exhausting. took z to the park this afternoon and hid in the shadows so i wouldn't scare the birds, he went to bed after seven and i fell in around nine.

each time i wake up i notice an ache lower and lower in the body. it's as if the body is slowly removing the toxins and treatments in regions. my head is still hurting from the facial edema and the worst part is being restricted from activities i love. a small but impatient price to pay for peace of mind. today the ache is in the neck area so tomorrow it will be in the shoulders. it will take maybe a week to move out. i hate having a numb brain that can't think, can't remember, can't study, and can't be creative. i'm like this when i have a flu too, am pissed if i'm not out of bed skydiving by day three.

next week, i hope starts a new cycle. i see the surgeon on tuesday for a check up. he may tell me that i can go back in the water, but i'm still scared of turning my neck too quickly and having my head fall off. the incision is pretty long.

wednesday i am supposed to do my first nurse orientation in 8 years or so..i hope this agency keeps their word and sends me out. i have been so busy juggling akai orders and working around almost daily doctor appointments. i'd love to say that i am cutting back on akai to work as a nurse but i think it will take time to transition. i dont know if i will be happy with agency work and may end up putting effort into finding something more permanent.

there are a couple of boys breathing down my neck anxious to see how the new schedule of me working will be. i told them this first year is like being a student again and i am going to be very committed to learning my new job, and/or holding out for the one i want, and my kids and job will come first with surfing as a close second. anything after that filters into married life. i know that's not nice but i've given a lot of everything to a marriage for three years and raised a baby and not feel like it's time to focus on nursing.

well..woke up but am feeling the slide towards sleep again. i hope the ache moves further south and we get thru this quickly..there's so much life to continue on with

survival of the fittest

2009-09-16T06:38:00.002-10:00

yesterday was my fourth surgery of the year. i'm getting really good at this.

a few weeks ago i was diagnosed with melanoma (or skin cancer). a couple of years ago i had noticed a light brown freckle that was a bit bigger and irregular shaped over my right eyebrow area. it looked like just a freckle so i didn't have it checked out. didn't have insurance at the time.

finally went in and they did a biopsy and confirmed melanoma. have spent the last couple weeks going thru a series of tests, a PET, CT, lymphocytograph, chest xray, blood draw.

it was determined by my surgeon to remove any remaining cancerous cells and also remove the sentinel lymph node in my neck.

i'm still sedated and feeling drowsy but my appetite is excellent and i'm looking forward to getting thru a restful day and enjoying sleep again tonight. the surgery was a breeze..i remember vaguely falling asleep then waking up and the first thing i asked the nurse is if my shoulder still worked (there is risk of nerve injury which would have made it difficult to surf). James drove me home , we had a good dinner , walked around waikiki a bit and then retired to my living room to rest.

There is a long row of stitches under my right jawline. he did a great job sewing me up though, nice and straight. The incision on my forehead is a little less fortunate..forehead is swollen and i have a black eye on the top. Because the stitches pulled skin around, my eyebrow is noticeably lifted..doc says it will come back down as the stitches are removed and the skin relaxes. he also promised to fix it if it doesnt settle back in properly. i dont want to run around looking surprised all the time. i may end up getting a free brow lift to the other side . gotta love when plastic surgery is deemed medically necessary. he can take a few eye wrinkles out while he's there.

anyways, i'm going to keep bugging people to check their skin and stay on top of things. melanoma is fast growing and deadly. early detection saves lives, nevi, or moles, are very common but it's a good idea to be checked out by a dermatologist so any potential problem can be caught.

am going back to sleep

more skin talk

2009-09-09T07:24:00.002-10:00

I had laser lipo performed on my lower abdomen yesterday. I'm going to share the experience with you and if you have any questions, feel free to contact me. All information we share is confidential.

First of all I am still pretty sedated so my thinking is not clear yet.

Secondly I have no interest in discussing the rights and wrongs of doing lipo or any other cosmetic surgery procedure. I believe we are all free to make our own choices and this was my decision. If you don't like it or believe it is ok to do it, then don't read about the experience, that is fine. We are all entitled to our experiences and opinions.

Third, I do not write this to condone or encourage others to have any form of plastic surgery done. Go back and read that sentence a few times.

It's also worth mentioning I am on narcotics now for pain and they tend to make me pretty bitchy. So those who want to debate the rights and wrongs, save your comments till my head is clear.

I had that typical post partum pocket of flesh in my lower abdomen. I walk daily and my diet is blueberries, raspberries and bananas with yogurt twice a day (with granola and seeds) and a protein lunch. I also surf or go out and paddle or swim at least four times a week. The pudge wouldn't budge. Both my OB doctor who is not trying to sell me plastic surgery procedures and two surgeons told me the pudge won't likely budge due to my age of 38 and because the muscles in my stomach have separated during pregnancy.

I have been researching lipo and mini tummy tucks for 2 years now. A doctor in Hawaii performs laser lipo. You can read up on it on multiple sites. The recovery and results are typically much faster than those achieved with traditional lipo. I did not want to be in bed for a week so I was willing to pay the extra cost for a fast recovery.

After a consult and assessment it was determined that only my lower ab needed help, which was fine with my bank account. I paid cash up front as I refuse to pay interest on anything these days. The cost of everything including consult, surgical room, drugs, garment, and post op care was about $4100.

Here is what happened:

Pre-surgery pictures are taken of the area to be lipo'ed. The nurse gave me an ambien and valium and then a shot of Demerol and Phenergan in the ass. I was completely relaxed but awake. The doctor came in to see if I had any questions and he did some markings on my lower tummy.

I wore a paper gown that was open in the front. They took me to another room that had what looked like a dentist chair but completely flat..draped with clean paper and cloths. The surgical techs asked me what music I liked and turned on an ipod, then started stuffing pillows under my feet and making me comfortable. I believe only my abdomen was exposed. The tech swabbed my stomach with a sterile solution, probably betadine. I was completely in the chill zone, felt relaxed and at ease. No fear..in fact just excitement.

The tech put up a tent shield so I could not see what was going on..I asked to watch but she said no. The doctor came in and started giving me small shots around the abdominal area. He touched me in various places and I could not feel a thing. He confirmed for me that redheads usually require more sedation. I think that is pretty funny.

He made a small incision in my belly button and I could feel pressure on the abdominal area..occasionally a pinch but nothing unbearable. I was pleased with how relaxed I was..it was almost pleasurable in a massage kind of way..the music and warm blanket and gentle pressure. I asked him if he could keep that thingie hooked up to me permanently so I could eat ice cream. No such thing as portable lipo machines darn it.

I lost track of time but it seemed like from the time I was in the chair until I was getting dressed was about an hour. I felt sedated but could still talk, the tech took me downstairs in a wheelchair as a precaution.

I was nodding off in the car on the way home (no I wasn't driving). We stopped off and I devoured half a burrito, no problems at all. My stomach was still numb and I felt pretty good. When we got home I still had balance problems and I went to sleep for two hours. Woke up and knew I could go right back to sleep but got up since it was advised that I should walk.

Met my friend in Waikiki and helped him eat half a small pizza. My tummy was totally numb. I have a compression garment on that is slightly uncomfortable but not a biggie. I had some mild abdominal pain, no worse than cramps. I was able to walk ..in fact we went to the beach and hung out till almost midnight.

When I got home I wanted to see my stomach. The bump or the cliff overhang is gone. It is swollen and looks like I'm a couple weeks post partum..the skin is very swollen and there is bruising. But it's flat. I'm not allowed to shower till later today so I checked my incision site which is nothing more than a small stitch inside my belly button. Slept with the garment on..took another percocet and the pain is totally bearable.

This morning the swelling has gone down quite a bit but it's still there. It can take a few months for the skin to retract again..that's fine it's similar to childbirth. I'm still woosy from pain pills but I can walk and bend over slowly. Pain is tolerable. I'm on an antibiotic and arnica to help with bruising.

I have had that pudge for two years, i was very self conscious about it since I'm at the beach a lot and ..well used to dance. I'm only 38 so it's too soon to be happy about having a fat stomach. I would do this again in a heartbeat. My plan is to continue with my healthy diet and exercise. In fact now I have the motivation to do more. I'll be able to pull on jeans and not have to hide the pudge with a large t shirt.

Again..I'm sharing this as information, not to encourage anyone else to do it but because I am a nurse and part of my job is educating others. I do not mind sharing my own experiences and being honest about what you can expect if you do decide to do something. Our society has many prejudices and I often feel that women (and men) would talk about things more if they felt safe from scrutiny. So, if you email me I will keep what you say confidential and I'll share with you to the best of my ability what I can.

the skin you are in

2009-08-29T07:25:00.002-10:00

Got the call from doc yesterday..unfortunately I was at the beach so our communication was a bit difficult, what I have IS melanoma (pats self on back for correct diagnosis).

The good news (so far) is it is not thick, the biopsies are measured in thickness (mm) and mine is a smidge above 1mm . Doc says they saw clear margins but still want to do the protocol..I'll have a lymph biopsy , chest xray and standard blood tests to make sure a stray cell didn't travel. As confident as I was that this was in fact melanoma, I am very certain nothing has travelled.

He said the early detection is what saved it from possibly growing and travelling. So fingers crossed hopefully the other tests will be clear.

Can I step into nurse role again? (I love my job)

I would urge everyone to get a calendar, big enough to write in the spaces. Ask your doctor to help you fill in the days each month that you perform things like
1) skin check
2) breast check
3) paps (of course this is not monthly)
4) physicals

PREVENTATIVE AND EARLY DETECTION saves lives.

Please take care of your bodies, and do not put your job or anything else first. No one likes to go to the doctor but you will sleep easier at night if you have a clean bill of health. MANY things go undiagnosed until it's too late. My older son had his heart defect detected when he was six months old so we've been able to stay on top of his care the entire time. I visit the dreaded OB every time I'm supposed to (been getting abnormal paps for the past 14 years but followup is important)

And I know this is pessimistic sounding but PLEASE make sure you have
1) life insurance
2) living will (I know that sounds extreme)
3) keep an identification card with you at all times with your medical conditions and prescriptions on it

please, please, please get your checkups. Go in even if you feel fine.

tip number 1001 about visiting Hawaii

2009-08-22T20:01:00.002-10:00

one of the most useful tips I can give you about visiting Hawaii (if you are staying in Waikiki)

make lunch the big meal of your day..breakfast time, if you are out early enough you will find seats but you better get out of your room by 7am or else you will stand in a long line...at lunch time a lot of people are at the beach, so make this your main 'big' meal. lunch prices are usually cheaper than dinner and you may not be as tempted to buy drinks (alcohol) which REALLY adds up and who wants a hangover in Hawaii? go swim

get dinner early..go to Subway or something quick that you can take with you to the beach. something 'to go' . most restaurants will be packed ...most tourists will hit the streets before sunset and the sidewalks will be crowded, not something fun to navigate when you are hungry.

don't bother to dress up. no one cares unless you are single and even then they probably still don't care

instead, pick up something light and easy and walk over to the beach, find a place in the grass or on a bench and then you don't have to deal with sidewalk traffic. while everyone else is waiting in line and hurrying to eat to catch the sunset, you will already be finished with dinner and have your camera ready.

once the sun drops, stay out on the street if you like activity..the street comes alive.

two of swords

2009-08-22T06:59:00.002-10:00

interesting photo..the swords are there in case they decide to do battle, makes you wonder if they are a team or if they are both waiting to see who will draw the sword first. battles are bloody..they never end well.

I sold off the teal Sim yesterday, in a way it has lifted a pressure that 'you better go dance since this expensive costume is sitting in your closet' . I do miss dance, but I miss dance for what it is and not for performance. I miss going to good live shows and being in that community. I used to think if I kept around one costume it would motivate me to go perform again. The opportunities have definitely presented themselves. I suppose it's part of that removal process..I'm still going thru boxes of old items and I think once they are all gone, I'll be able to carefully select new items that will represent the new ??? new something. Selling things off (and donating..donated a bunch of stuff to a local art school) is a wonderful feeling, i can feel my sense of responsibilities lifting with each item that leaves. I don't have to take the time to care for those items anymore..or feel that I should be doing something with them since I have them.

Moving to Hawaii has been great for that..I used to be a packrat and keep anything that I might use ten years later. But with a small apartment shared with two dudes..and I do get most of the closet, it's much easier to have boxes gone. I'm still struggling over this one item, it's a beautiful glass horse my father gave to me years and years ago. I don't have many items left from my days with him. This horse has a broken foot so I can no longer display it or it will fall over. But I can't seem to part with it. I also have a black kimono he brought to me after a trip overseas..I don't even know which country he visited but I've had this kimono since I was 8 or so and won't part with it.

Sometimes I wish we had no furniture..maybe a couch and the tv for Survivor and Lost although lately I can't seem to find time to watch much tv either. Am more interested in reading nurse material. But there's those days of mental exhaustion when it's good to veg in front of the set. We don't pay for cable so we just get local channels..I do miss the travel channel.

I think it's time to sell Fat Boy too..I love that board. But I recently picked up a nice steady epoxy, Dong, and you can only surf one at a time right?

But life is like that, you cut some things free so that you can invite other things in. I traded out a bunch of old costume items that I probably won't wear again for an ITOUCH ipod thingie and loaded the sucker with nursing apps and a translator app that is helping me slowly learn chinese. Enough chinese to start teaching the baby.

What will come in place of the teal sim? Probably something for the new nurse job. Probably a kick ass stethoscope and a comfy pair of white crocs. A drug guide. Maybe money towards a ticket to Japan.

But today I'm slicing away work..the past couple of weeks I have been working before breathing again. In mermaid terms. Today when the boys get back from their morning beach walk I'm going to go in the water..snorkel, surf, doesn't matter..but I'll do it slowly and not think about what I have to do when I get back. I won't line up the day of work and see how much I can get done. I have felt the balance sliding lately, that voice saying ..you're working too much, too hard, slow down a bit..summer is almost over...so I better listen.

I'll still fiddle around with something later. Load new pics, post new items. Respond to inquiries. But it will be after a slow session in the water.

THE teal Sim

2009-08-19T11:07:00.004-10:00

This costume fits me perfect and I love the color. But I have this theory when you sell or get rid of one thing, then another appears. I wonder if husbands and boyfriends are like that? Just kidding.

If you go to the dahlal website, it is similar to Gilded Night without all the turquoise ruffles
https://www.dahlal.com/default.aspx?n=1&lpc=1&lpo=5

Here's the specs:

The set comes with a veil and some extra chiffon beaded piece, I have no idea what it is, the headband (velvet), two velvet beaded gloves, the beaded neckband, the bra and the belt that is attached to a long velvet skirt. If you know Sim, you know the bra has so many beads it's like fish scales. Not like these scanty naked lycra things I see these days (scoff). The bra is a heavy velvet base, it has silver beading , large crystals, and peacock iridescent fringe. The skirt is that deep gorgeous teal everyone drools over..NOT hunter green, it is indeed teal . The belt is attached and zips on the side. Tight fitting skirt but it is slit up one side so it does not inhibit movement. In fact it makes your ass look great. The skirt has the heavily beaded belt and then has the silver embellishments on the side, and is fully covered with medium length peacock fringe everywhere. A slight shimmy makes them all dance.

Take it quick before I change my mind. Every time i put it on..oh well just take it.

I bought it lightly used from a reputable vendor, I have tried it on but never danced or performed in it. It is in impeccable condition. No odor or sign of use.

$675 plus shipping FIRM. Customer is responsible for custom/taxes if it goes overseas.

Bra: Underbust 33 inches (the strap that goes where the back bra strap is). You might be able to get a 34 inch out of it but I'd say 33 to be safe so when you go do something fancy your strap doesn't burst.

Straps are each 15 inches long..I think it is meant to be worn halter style. You will probably have to move the hooks around in fact there is a hook and eye on the bra strap but no hooks on the halter straps. Widest part of the cup is 8 inches.

Probably built for a large C but I can cram double D's in there...

on the inside are some small hooks that poke thru the lining but nothing is torn

Length of skirt from middle of belt in the center (where the V dips a bit) to hem is 39 inches. From top of belt down the SIDE is 42 inches (I guess this accounts for booty room).
Belt is approximately 37 inches. Below the belt where the velvet skirt starts, it is stretchy so a pair of curvy hips could fit in it just fine. Depending on where you like to wear your belt, it worked for me to have a slimmer waistline and wear the belt low, and have enough room in the skirt for my booty and hips.

if you are looking for a matching silk veil, Tickle me Teal will match, so would A'Kai Bloom, Temptation, Hummingbird..

All SALES FINAL

email akaisilksinfo@yahoo.com

coffee goddess

2009-08-15T12:30:00.002-10:00

i have an ideeeyah...

want to buy a kiosk and paint it bright tropical colors and hang long grass and coconuts from it, you know real cheeseball ABC Hawaii stuff. i'm gonna get a generator and hook up my Keurig coffeemaker, and sell coffee and water on the beach. for two bucks a cup. no plastic cups, i'll have to use ceramic to cut back on trash..i'll have a dishwasher clean the cups as everyone does their shots. we might need an extra cart for cups.

ok anyways, coffee and bottled water. maybe kava too but i'm not sure of the current legalities of that. we had a kava hut on big island but only us locals went out that way. kava gives you an interesting buzz. don't plan on doing anything afterwards. it's best done ceremonially but i know of a gal in Kona who sells it by the cup right along the avenue, you sit down and chug a cup and wander/teeter off down the street.

i'll have cute bikini clad chicks or bare chested local guys making the coffee (i'll be surfing) .

we'll call it Kava Java or Kava Goddess or maybe Merjava. Hey Merjava has a good smooth sound to it. NO i'm not drinking coffee right now hahahahhaaaa of course I am..i have to study. but hey wouldnt that rock?

there's a section of sand right across from the zoo (and starbucks lol) ..it's prime real estate. i bet the rent is 12k a month. maybe i can get a kama aina discount :)

isn't this the most perfect picture ever? can you think of anything better than some dude serving you fresh hot strong coffee while you are on the beach? a nice sunny warm beach? in hawaii?

i miss dance

2009-08-15T07:51:00.002-10:00

stupidly, i turned down an opportunity to teach and vend at Bellydance Congress. but i may be able to redeem thyself and hook up on a double veil workshop in Japan. if we coincide it with a trip to Malaysia, it would be a great excuse to run around the entire area for a few weeks. an agency nurse job would allow for these times when i get the wild bug and must run off to boogie and travel.

i don't make time for dance, as a mom i choose between surf and dance for my free time..surf wins. not enough hours to do both. but with winter surf on south shore , dance may be taking a front seat again.

honestly i have not felt much urge to dance about anything for the past few months, at least. but the last couple of weeks a big cloud lifted and i'm feeling that familiar lovely skin crawl feeling when a good song comes on. i have come to terms that i will probably not, right now, take the time needed to work on 'belly dance' but instead use what time there is to dance with veils, which is the true love anyways. we can slip a little bellydance in there.

i remember that urge ..that need to hit open space and twirl until the legs could not do it anymore..

congrats to my husband, he is a permie resident now

2009-08-13T21:21:00.003-10:00

i received the letter in the mail today and called him right away to let him know..congrats babe you're a permanent resident of the United States.

a bummer that he was working but Zack and I decided to celebrate early, we'll continue with TY tomorrow as he'll have the day off

Z and I shared a dulce banana supreme from Haagen Das while watching a perfect orange and blue sunset. I don't normally have Z out that late because usually i'm making dinner but we're gonna have to start taking dinner with us or grab it out on kalakaua ave more often..sunset is a beautiful thing. i love that we can take an elevator and be at the edge of the beach to watch it in a few minutes. i love this place.

once the final sliver of sun slips down beneath the cloud or the mountain, whichever comes first, the tiki torches are lit and you can hear drumming start in the distance. it makes your heart race and you are so happy to be home with your tribe.

today was full of extreme contentment. i can't believe a month ago i was in the bay area, thinking about a move to that area. my heart is settled because i came back home. that warning voice has finally quieted. the last few weeks have been hard work but very satisfying..Twu and i are experts at working out watching the baby. bless this building for having a pool and playground on sixth floor. every morning they walk to the beach and back, and then go hang with da chicks on sixth floor. i normally work on morning stuff and then take Z in the afternoon so TY can go to work. it's easy, simple, and perfect. no stress.

i sort of accidentally stumbled upon a possible job opportunity, the application process will tell. if i give them six months, i'll start at 30/hr and work up to 48/hr within the year. we want to pay off the phoenix home and then possibly buy a condo here. this company staffs nurses in arizona and hawaii so how perfect, winters in arizona/sedona and the rest of the time ..here of course..

some employers are delighted that i have long term care experience, others are delighted that i'm still new enough to train. of a six month refresher course, that I started in July, I am almost done..am betting in less than a month but it depends on how much juggling with akai that i do..akai has been busy again, typical of late summer as dancers are returning from vacation, kids are going to school, classes are starting up. am not sure how i'm taking care of both, but each day is full of activity. i have not been in the water except for two brief quickies a few days ago. by late weekend if the jellyfish report looks ok it will be time to reward oneself with water again.

congrats, baby! maybe now you can apply to be on Survivor? or we can finally do Amazing Race? how are they gonna turn down such a badass couple? but you're eating the worms k?

how to assemble silk fan veils..Interchangeable fans!!

2009-08-10T11:23:00.014-10:00

Here's a few quick tips on how to assemble your own silk fan veils.

I bought the chinese dance fans from Meleea at http://www.beledi.com/products.php . Her main site is http://www.beledi.com

You can also find chinese dance fans if you do a search on ebay, but many of the vendors are overseas so shipping time and price may vary. Meleea has a selection of colors to choose from. If you prefer bamboo staves, she carries those as well.

If you would like pure silk fans, which means the fabric between the staves is silk (you can decorate the silk on your own with fabric markers, try Dharma at http://www.dharmatrading.com/html/eng/5903589-AA.shtml . The main site is http://www.dharmatrading.com .

I make the silk , usually using 5 feet of 5 mm habotai since the light silk has the feathery soft flutter and movement. The standard is 36 inches wide and 60 inches long. Both edges are unhemmed so that the float on the ends is very light.

I dye the silk lengthwise and sometimes let the colors run twice. Almost all of the colors you love on the Silk Colors page at http://www.akaisilks.com/colors.html can be dyed on to fan veils. Fan veils can be dyed to match your costume, or skirt, or other A'Kai items.

ASSEMBLING FANS: this is easy, I am the queen of 'mickey mousing' projects..I bought a pair of silk fans from overseas and was not impressed by the quality, they had used glue to stick the fabric to the staves, and the ends of the silk were cut raw and had many dangling strings.

1) Purchase your silk dance fans, the size, choice and colors are your choice :) I ordered mine from www.beledi.com and received them within a few days. I ordered the large chinese dance fans.

2) Purchase your silk veils for the fans. When silk veils are available they will be listed at http://www.akaisilks.etsy.com or email akaisilksinfo@yahoo.com

3) Go to your local grocery or fabric store and pick up two sided velcro. You want the kind that has the peel back adhesive..there will be a rough piece and a soft piece that sticks together. There is usually a tape on the back to cover the adhesive until you are ready to use. I chose rectangles so I could easily cut them to size. Here's a photo of what you will need.
I chose a pink fan to go with a Bird of Paradise silk veil set.

4) Here are pictures of the front and back of the fan veils. You will want to turn your fan so that the acrylic staves are up. Make sure the fan is on a level surface and fully opened. If you have trouble opening the fan, you could be trying to open it the wrong way. Try to open it the other way (there are right and left side fans). Again make sure your fan is fully opened.

5) Cut out small squares of velcro and stick them to the acrylic stave base as shown. I started on the outer edges.

6) After adding velcro to the outer edges, add more tabs towards the center of the fan. MAKE SURE YOU CUT THE VELCRO A LITTLE BIT SMALLER THAN THE SPACE ON THE STAVE. You don't want to have to curl around the velcro to make it fit..smaller is better. Do not apply the velcro to the fan fabric, if you go to remove it you may rip the fabric.

7) Carefully line up the edge of your silk veil on the fan. I laid out the silk above the staves so that I could see where I placed the velcro. You should have a bit of extra fabric on both sides. Again make sure your fan is fully opened and your silk is relaxed but straight. Visually line up where you placed the velcro on the fans and put the OTHER SIDE of the velcro piece (the soft one) on the veil edge, so that when you go to attach the veil to the fan base, they will all fit. I found it was helpful to start in the center and work outwards. I ended up adding four pieces total. This photo will show you the velcro on the staves and the corresponding velcro on the silks.

** I chose to work with velcro because glue is evil. Not only is it messy to work with, but the glue lines tend to show through the silk on lighter colored silk. It looks like a third grade art project. Also, using velcro allows you to buy one fan base and switch out different colors of silk fans to save on costs. Interchangeable fans!

** If you plan to swap out and change the silk frequently, it is recommended to sew a thick ribbon along the hemline of the silk veil and place the velcro on top of the ribbon. The ribbon will have a longer life span than silk.

8) Carefully line up your velcro tabs and stick the silk to the staves. YOU ARE READY TO DANCE.

This method allows for only the fan stave base to be attached to the hem of the silk, so you can still turn the fan up, let the silk drop and hang from the base, and just dance with the entire fan base showing.

9) By folding the fan back down against the silk again, you can dance with both silk and fan working together. The fan literally waves air into the silk. It's brilliant.

10) If you wish to make the silk permanently attached to the staves, you can add more velcro on the staves but you have to be very accurate or else the silk veil portion will not line up with the velcro on the stave. You might try a fabric glue instead.

11) This photo shows the fan folded up with silk attached. It should move freely open and closed.

12) And here I've shown another example with a gold fan base..the gold fan base can be used with color designs such as Sunrise Merkaba and Gold Merkaba. Get a green base pair and use with Temple Peacock and Temptation. A red base pair will go great with Prozac or Fire, etc.

OTHER HELPFUL HINTS:

If you plan to remove your silk and change it out often, you may consider sewing a thick ribbon on the outer edge of the veil, and placing the velcro tabs on the ribbon edge instead of on the silk. That way there is less wear and tear on the silk.

Using more velcro tabs helps to stabilize the silk more. Experiment to see what works best for you.

Pick up how to dance with fan veil tutorials here:

1) Mahsati Janan offers two beautiful dvd's on dancing with fans. On her page you will also notice a link to another silk fan vendor who carries beautiful fan veils,

http://www.mahsati-janan.com/dvds.html

Faye's fans http://www.faye4u.com
2) Meleea offers a dvd that not only teaches you fan veil dance but shows you another method of attaching the silk to the staves

http://www.beledi.com/proddetail.php?prod=superfan

Also, google silk fan veils on YOUTUBE for more examples.

in a word..perfection

2009-08-08T06:58:00.003-10:00

my gawd, perfection really does exist. THIS chiseled creature is in the new GI Joe movie. Twu and i went to a double feature yesterday but we snuck in to GIJ for a few minutes to see if it looked interesting. Cool special effects but THIS perfect parfait caught my eye and I vowed to come back and see the movie in its entirety. I turned to Twu excitedly and said "I'll swap you..I get a night with that guy and you can have a night with Megan Fox" ..he smiled so I don't know if that meant yes or no.

I don't even know how to pronounce his name..do i have to know? Lee works. Or just gentle grunting sounds. Man. Ok I know the photo is probably airbrushed but look at that facial bone structure..high cheekbones, hollowed out cheeks (not puffy), gorgeous slant of the eyes (not round) , sleek black hair (not mushroom shaped)..a body to ovulate for.

ok..breathe in paper bag..focus.

today was the second day in a row that i woke up without feeling a strangling web of problems on my chest..i felt free, happy, able to move forward with decisions and plans that are GOOD instead of forced. it's like the last few months are just a bad dream. life has settled back into an easy, dancing pace again and is not full of stress and emotional cartwheeling. maybe it's the bump in celexa. maybe it's knowing there really are men like Lee out there.

can they make him a vampire too?

costa rica

2009-08-07T07:49:00.005-10:00

.... vacation time this year..now that i'm free of other obligations and financial worries we might be able to go to costa rica as we planned a couple years ago...we hear there's good surf

might do a full round trip..go to sedona a couple of days, drop kid with mom, fly to costa rica (i'm still thinking yucatan peninsula but already been there) , come back home, do a vegas 'nighter, then fly back to hawaii. why the hell not.

i'm happier today than i have been since early April..am finally free of self imposed emotional torture ...i've let go and went with the river flow and the view is beautiful. life should not be uphill every day

a diamond in the snow

2009-08-07T06:55:00.003-10:00

i want to thank my parents for always standing by MY decisions..they never told me who to marry, where to go for school, what type of job to have, they never gave me an income requirement, they never told me to date someone rich or who was cultured and played violin, how to raise my kids (although I complain frequently) . I don't know if that's an American thing or just a King/McLane thing but i really value that my choices have always been mine, and the mistakes have been mine. I have fallen but if they had caught me I would not have learned the lesson.

and..I married someone who had basic values as mine..priorities of living simple, of not having to buy expensive crap to make us feel worthwhile, of being happy for what we have, of living in hawaii if it was a good decision for both of us (that's hard to find..a lot of people want to live in hawaii but not many can move here and get a job), of understanding the simple happiness that comes from being in the water, of being able to explain to him a good wave and he 'gets' it..he allows me to grow and do different things, travel on my own, he is never selfish and never requires me to be with him, he encourages my freedom and independence, my free time, he loves our son, he loves my other son, he would never make me choose, he'd never say no to letting my older son live with us, he'd work two jobs at fast food to keep us going, he's willing to relocate to make me happy (we came back from big island cuz i hated it). he does not require that i make dinner for him or spend extra time with the kids. he is the first one out of bed to tend to Zack when Zack wakes up.

i get pretty annoyed but i think it's because i'm tough to live with..prefer to be alone in the morning so i can get things done. don't like tripping over people in the am hours. he understands, puts the baby in the stroller, and goes out walking.

he doesn't kiss me as much as i'd like and has to be reminded to bring flowers..but compared to all of his other traits..i think i'll let him work on improving that part and tell him today, that i love him, and i value who he is.

but more kissing is good

request to see more

2009-08-03T06:32:00.003-10:00

request to see more of yesterday's photos..here's three new veils and more pics of the kimono/sarong set, silk knit/sarong set, crepe ruana

back to beach stuff

2009-08-02T15:17:00.002-10:00

had enough free? time today to dash off to one of my favorite hotels in waikiki..i love the old colonial style of this hotel..wish i could tell you the name but i forget it all the time :) Surfrider?

here's just a few shots, we are practicing with a camera again..i've always been curious if the light in these hallways would be good, and i love it. the colors show up really nice.

this is stuff i don't normally feature online..it's more an island obsession. what you are seeing are outfits made of: silk chiffon kimono top over a scarf tied bandeau style, with a sarong, then one with a crepe de chine ruana, then the aqua and purple set is a silk knit top with a sarong, their is one photo taken with a cape which i rarely do anymore but i kept this one

one of these days they may make it to the website or etsy store..for now they are for sale in waikiki

heads or tails

2009-08-01T14:54:00.002-10:00

no one knew which end of me would show up first as i was basically swallowed by a big wave out at 'kuna's' today. i really should master smaller waves before biting on to the lip of the biggies but i love the adrenaline rush.

on big swell days i'll fin all the way out to kuna's and park it next to the other bigger wave junkies. north shore riders i'm sure they laugh at us..to them these are not big waves. i don't think i've ever even been in the water at north shore. i'm certain i'll be swept out. there's something ominous about those waters.

today i chased Keola out..this is the guy who deserves his own statue in Waikiki. i call him mmmmastahhhh or sensei. i rode these same big waves when i was pregnant with Zack but lost my nerve after being out so long. plus i think the more you learn about surfing, the more you realize how completely crazy it is and you start to get spooked. Chris told me today that if he feels butterflies he knows it's a good wave.

A very large set rolled in when I first got out there. Keola started shouting at me, dig hard Jes don't look back just dig hard and look at the beach. I looked back and saw a shiny towering beast licking its lips...mmmm girl...I was the only girl out there, easy target. Seeing that huge slick face, I cowered, punched down thru the bottom, and narrowly escaped being rolled. Only to surface to see three more, even bigger, already cresting at the top. White water is not where you want to be.

After a rest period (obviously I did not take the wave) , Bruce was telling me shark stories and pointing out the black bird in the sky who was circling..apparently that means a storm is approaching. We have tropical storm Lana sitting underneath us but I 'heard' from the weather report that the winds were skewing everything up. So we don't know what may hit.

Sensei paddled back out after a quick breakfast on shore. I had made new friends and as he arrived he told me to saddle up. We weren't discussing the game plan for very long when another set started to form..he got on the first wave to my right, I started the incline down, I could hear him shouting something but his speed overtook me, on his left, I watched him thru the ocean spray drop down in front and suddenly appear on the left of me, and all I could see was his baseball cap and the rainbows that are made when the spray hits the sunlight. I wonder what would have happened if I had stuck a leg out when he cruised by. Just kidding Keola, you know I would never do that. hehehe

But..he caught the first one so I had no time to waste to get into position, it was already too late. The waves were already reaching impossible heights and the tops were starting to look white. On Kona days, they will crest and slough over and become sort of like a landslide. But days like this they can barrel and crack you in half. One wave actually broke over, partially, and then reformed, so it had a thick wall of white on TOP of it, with an incline on the bottom. I was in a baaaaad place so I faced the shore, took a deep breath, and prepared to 'go with the flow' as Keola had instructed.

i went with the flow alright but i'm not sure if my head or butt was going first. i am not sure if i was under the wave, on top, in front..all i knew is that i had a death grip on the front end of the board, and a full set of lungs. how long can the wave last? i could not see a thing, buckets of water were getting tossed on my head, i do know that i was travelling at a very fast speed , blindly. i wonder if the lifeguard saw.

eventually i must have popped out in front of the wave, or it softened, since i was finally in front of the white and i could see the blue incline. of course i did not pull out and rest, i charged the reasonable sized incline and continued the ride back to where most NORMAL people ride the waves at 'walls' . Ran into Alan who was having a good laugh and said all he could see was pink and black going really fast in the water (that would be me dude).

Ok i really need to practice smaller waves before I do this..but i was the same way with horseback riding when i was little..i didnt want to waste time on the small fences, i wanted my horse to jump the big ones.

Keola..i owe you breakfast. i'm seriously so lucky to be able to surf with these guys and get free tips. trade this for living in the bay area? no freakin way

Atlantis

2009-07-30T11:52:00.002-10:00

photo by http://fineartamerica.com/images-medium/gates-of-atlantis-stanley-morrison.jpg

i wish surfing didnt make me so sleepy, but a second cup of Caribou coffee made by my best friend, the Keurig coffee machine, is keeping me alert enough to finish a nursing paper on obesity. fun stuff.

made it to the beach a bit later than normal this morning..you know it's early if you paddle out and the shade from the high rises dominates the water. our mini atlantis.

the morning surfers are joyous..we have a decent group of happy early evening people too, but i do have a special adoration for morning surfers. we've not been spoiled all day by hot sun and traffic, we are in the water right after a light breakfast. the cold water hits your skin, you squeak with delight.

this was my third day on ole Dong..he has really bruised me..my knees and hips give the appearance that i fell down a flight of stairs. they'll go away. i like being tan, having chipped nail polish, and running around with wild mermaid hair and bruises on my knees. waikiki is one place (i'm sure there's more) where you can truly live how you see fit. i could never get away with running around in a wet bathing suit and no makeup in san fran. too many city and career standards.

so, earlier i rated the waves as a 1 on a scale of 10. but social interaction was a 10. slam dunk. i'm normally at the 'wall' with the booger-board but the surfing side of the beach is a whole different crowd. one that loves the ocean as much as the bb'ers but for different reasons. i assimilate into cultures very easily and find it only natural to go back and forth between my two families. walk a quarter mile down the beach and there will be more regulars you have never met.

i've discovered that it takes about 30 minutes to push past the pain of paddling. my arms are crap still..it will take six weeks of three times a day to get back to where they were. I plan to have a kick @ss body too. you sort of get a second wind after paddling for a while, you realize how badly you want the wave..you dig deeper in the wave and use long powerful strokes. i can feel a difference already, instead of helplessly clinging to the board when a wave hits, i am able to easily push up on the board and allow the water to pass between Dong and I (sounds like a love affair doesn't it). I love arm strength..have always had strong legs , and the use of fins during bb'ing keeps them strong..but to have strong arms is a really good feeling. It opens your chest and you breathe easier. Veil dance is a dream with strong arms.

all the lessons you could possibly want from life are in Atlantis..

we change form, we live on

2009-07-28T06:08:00.002-10:00

can we ever say the word freedom enough?

TY is a truly wonderful person. He knew I was a drifter, wanderer, gypsy-spirit, free spirit, hummingbird, floater, bouncer when he met me. Never once did he tell me that I should settle down or change. His gentle way accepted me just as I accepted him for being a steady type. Kudos to my first husband, who remains a good friend, because he understood as well. And he loved that about me. TY never told me I'd have to grow up and get a steady job someday, or settle down in one place.

I've really taken for granted how free TY allows me to be. If I tell him I'm running off to Europe for a week long vending opp, he says have a good time baby. If I run out for a night of dancing with friends he leaves the light on. And it's reciprocal..sometimes I have to push and encourage but I put a surfboard in his arms and direct him towards the beach. And he comes back with a smile.

I've met some people with relationships and they do everything together. Which is great, but the relationship style I've always been drawn to allows growth of each person separate from each other as well. There's no need to make TY suffer thru hours of bellydance dvds, or take him to every show. And I'll never like volleyball. I also don't like board games. But we do like movies, and of course we share a love for the water together. No one else gets it like a surfer. No one else but another island inhabitant gets the lifestyle here, or the little details that a non-resident would miss. He's been here much longer than I have..about 8 years longer.

I remember when we met, other than an attraction to him (hey, he's dark and cute) we liked each other because we both loved the water and we both didn't want to leave Hawaii. We are equally as excited by travel to other destinations but we know a beach life is a good one. We both are satisfied each day by putting the kid in the stroller and teaching him the water life, and taking turns going out in the waves by ourselves. I'm usually the hyper excited one who will describe in detail each wave and ride. He smiles and affirms he had a good session. But we both know.

I value those things about him, but I also value that he does not make any requirement of me to be with him. I always remind him if he is ever unhappy with anything that we can change it (like if he hates a job, etc). And he always says no baby i just want to be with you and Zackie, the rest is small stuff.

TY really taught me a lot about living simple. When I moved to Hawaii with two suitcases and a car that I should have left in San Fran, I had to learn how to live in a closet space. Where he came from, not a rich family, but an honest one who worked hard. He grew up playing with simple things instead of elaborate toys. I'm glad he can pass that on to Zack.

We have enough, every day. Fresh banana and coffee. A walk first thing on the beach each morning. I have the freedom to choose each day if I want to study or do art. I am so lucky. Mahalo TY, no one gets it like you do.

meet Dong-Hua

2009-07-26T09:30:00.003-10:00

I'd like to introduce you all to Dong Hua, close relative to Don Juan (there is a rumor Dong's dad ran off with Don's sister and after an arranged marriage failed, they finally became lovers but once their love was found out by the Vietnamese lineage, they were both beheaded.

Dong, like Don, is just your typical guy. He's already been ridden by a lot of chicks. Don't (Don't is not related, Don't is part of another dynasty) let the cassanova type name mistake it..he's a total ho bag but their ain't nuthin romantic or remotely appealing about him.

He's made of a tough epoxy that floats well, like all turds should. Buoyancy in an ocean, surrounded by sleek Dings and Joses and Johns, is all this guy has to boast about. He's not a race car but he floats.

He's an easy paddle because he's been ridden by so many already. He's obedient and subservient when he is around other surfboards that are taller and prettier than him, or that cost more money.

Dong Hua is all chipped up..he's seen better days. His skeg or "teeth" had to be replaced when he let another surfboard hit him. He kind of deserved it though, he had no business being out in big waves like that with the pro boards. Dong Hua wants to be, but can't. He spends his life longingly looking at the other sportier models and tries to prove how important he is, but he is just a Dong Hua.

Dong Hua is the type of board that is a dime a dozen. Go stand at the right place on the beach and you will see that all the tourists have a Dong. Dongs look and act like other Dongs. But this Dong is special because it's a Dong Hua. And we know Dong Huas and Don Juans and Darn John are special people, right?

But..all surf chicks need a good steady place to start, huh? Give Dong Hua a chance. You'll likely want to move up to a better model when you know how to stand on your own, when you have the confidence to move on. It should be known that Dong Hua is the type of guy who is good for beginners who don't know any better, or who need more time standing before they can dance. But once she's confident, Dong Hua will likely be seen in another girl's lanai, starting her out on a life of surf and freedom.

C'mon gir..give DH a try..

you can choose...waikiki

2009-07-25T06:33:00.003-10:00

there's no place like home

i really need to put together that 'guide to living in hawaii' ..the truth about living on an island. the perks like waking up to find a roach under your dishes, suffering island fever, dealing with traffic, wondering if the rest of the world really does exist :) ya know, minor things

life is timeless in waikiki. what is one week to a tourist is another moment to a resident. locals who gather in the water first thing in the morning share a secret smile. we made it thru the gates, we are settled, we have reached the destination. we no longer have to sit and dream of a paradise island, we live it every day.

every time i leave the island i feel a bit of pull on the heart. every time i return and the plane circles over the blue-green reef, i breathe in bright fragrant flowered air again and smile.

living pono

2009-07-24T09:54:00.002-10:00

Pono: Pono
Pono is the personal and organizational value of rightness and balance. When a person is “Pono” they have the feeling of contentment when all is good and all is right in their life. Pono teaches the attitude of positivity and optimism. Life itself excites you, and you are full of hope, seeing that the future can only get better.

Pronunciation Guide: Pono (Poh-noh)

Today as I was floating in the water, watching the water and sky connect, a paddle board surfer caught a beautiful ride. It was long and smooth and you could see the interaction of human body, board, and water..what we strive for. That moment of unity.

When the wave softened, he pulled off. He stood on his board and blew a kiss to the ocean, I heard him say something but I was too far away to hear the words. Then he got down on his knees and kissed his board.

I shouted to him "that's sooo Pono dude" , he waved aloha with a big smile and paddled back out.

This photo is not him, this is my friend Chris..I used to surf with him when I lived in Ewa Beach area. I love this photo, this is exactly what it's like when you are in that unity.

talks to fish

2009-07-23T09:46:00.002-10:00

you've heard of Dances with Wolves? now you've heard of Talks to Fish :)

this morning, Twu walked Zack to the beach and called me to let me know the waves were firing..after coffee and a quick facebook comment I put on a still wet from yesterday suit and ran down to the wall

when he was finished, i walked out to the edge of the wall where we jump off when the water is high enough. i won't do flips, in fact i'm too chicken to stand, so i sat on the wall, put on my fins and waited for the waves to be just right.

a cute redheaded girl, maybe about 6 years old, stood next to me, she was there with her mom watching the surfers. she asked me if i was going to jump in the water, and i told her yes. i got into a short discussion with her mom, who works as an OB doc, (not on the island unfortunately) about having babies and surfing during pregnancy .

a good wave washed up and i jumped..i heard the girl gasp ..when i surfaced i heard her tell her mom she wanted to learn to do that. i smiled back at her and waved. she says..do you see the fish, do you see the fish? i said, yes sweetie I can talk to them. she looked so excited..she shouted down at me, what did they say???? and i said..they are telling you to come on in the water :)

another girl mermaid goddess born

the problem with mermaids..

2009-07-22T06:41:00.003-10:00

artwork by Susan Seddon Boulet..

is that they have to stay underwater. the underwater kingdom is a beautiful world, but sometimes a mermaid needs to dry off and explore the mountain areas, the canyons, the heights. a mermaid needs wings

i have just made it thru another growing process. i had to revisit it a few times, over the span of four years, to really grasp its lesson. i had to suffer enough bruises from it to realize it was real pain and not a lesson i wasn't getting right. i had to stop seeing the situation thru blue colored watery lenses and see it what it was..a big illusion that led me thru a tailspin ..i ended up questioning who i was, what i was willing to give up, how i was willing to change and compromise, and what i needed to stand ground on

this mermaid is on ground again. of course the ocean is nearby ..it's two blocks away, and will always be a comfort. the worlds' problems go away when your head is underwater. the fish and blue-ness are the new reality when you wear a mask and breathe thru a tube. but wearing a mask distorts your vision. the nurse wants to help all those who are hurting. the mermaid wants to free all sailors from their prison ship. the mermaid wants to rescue falling wedding rings and return them to their owners.

the back has been hurting lately because the wings have been tucked so tightly inside..the burden of having to deal with a new path that was imposed by someone else, not asked but imposed. it was a requirement, not a request. it was a structure of beliefs that mermaid left behind years ago because she did not want to end up as a lifeless gray corpse on a BART train. mermaid follows the tide and the moon, not a 9 to 5.

the wings are still wet and fragile, she needs to sit a bit longer in this tall tree and let the wings unfold gradually. waiting. she knows her tail is there should she need to drink the blue water, but for now she will wait in the tree, until the wind blows just right. and the wind always comes back.

mermaids, never give up your water, your tree, your dancing, your mini-trips, your free time, your hobbies, your esteem of being who you are alone, never 'tone down' your blog, never wear a business suit if you feel like wearing a wild skirt, don't follow the eyes of a lost person and be tricked into thinking their world is better or what you 'need'. you can live near the water and store nuts for winter. don't give up your beliefs, your wandering, your drifting, your love, your live music concerts, your time with friends, your steadiness. walk the streets of the city but don't get sucked in and forget where you are.

above all else don't give up your children. for anything.

new wings are drying and they will blaze in all rainbow colors

AddThis - Social Bookmark & Feed Button Builder

2009-07-04T10:36:00.001-10:00

AddThis - Social Bookmark & Feed Button Builder

Shared via AddThis

quiet fires still burn

2009-06-27T06:57:00.002-10:00

haven't actively done much with akai since mid april..we were on big island when i packed up and moved to oahu..after a couple of weeks on oahu i went to the mainland..for a month...haven't been home much. home has been out of a suitcase.

fires still burn quietly on slow heat so long as you throw a log on it. i have no intention of letting akai go under water while i pursue nursing again. i KNOW there can be balance. it's about managing akai the way it should be run..making some cuts..maybe not offering full product line anymore, maybe cutting back on custom orders, maybe cutting back on marketing, maybe offering for sale only what is available and made. making small cuts so that it is streamlined but still on low heat.

i have to take some time to explore nursing again..it's my other profession. i can't begin to relate to you how much i have loved reading medical articles again or achieving certificates. art must be balanced with business and skill/trade/profession.

we are looking at a year with a lot of change coming up...another relocation, a trip to costa rica perhaps, going back to nursing work, going back to nursing school, but the quiet fire that has been on low heat is still there. quiet fires tend to rebuild and with the right breath of wind, blaze even higher

the blaze will be about a smarter business for akai..no longer a convenience store of everything on the table and a fast paced chaos. more meditative, thought out, with a plan for future. bellydance, you are my love. i have another love too that will require some work and time. but i love movement and fluttering silk..so dance, you will always have me

would you choose career or lifestyle

2009-06-24T06:43:00.006-10:00

would you die satisfied?

what makes you happy?

are you taking time to be happy everyday by doing the things you like to do?

are you stuck in a place where you don't have time to figure out what makes you happy?

.................................................................

Twu and i had a decent talk last night..I'm weighing the options of starting up school now, and working part time, or just going back into a nursing job and re-adjusting to the work force. A job in nursing right now, in the area I want, and the only one I'd settle for, would probably require working nights. Not easy on anyone. But for ten years (or more) what has kept me from working in the area of nursing that interests me most is that I have refused to work graveyard shift.

Both scenarios have their pros and cons, we've talked about how each situation would affect lifestyle. Lifestyle is very important. It deserves it's own thread.

There are people who choose a career, and love the career, and work hard at it, and enjoy the career. Maybe on weekends they enjoy a hobby or their kids. They are happy. There are people who have lifestyles. They choose to live a certain way or in a certain place. The lifestyle comes first and they are willing to work just about any job so that they can maintain the lifestyle. A sailor chooses to live on his boat so he can sail every day, he chooses to live on the coast line so he can park his boat and have easy access to sailing every day. It fills his soul completely. It makes him happy. Sometimes he goes into town and works a part time shift cleaning bathrooms so that he can afford gas and food for the boat.

Both the career person and the lifestyle person are happy. Of course there is overlap..a doctor can live on a boat. A sailor can have a house that's inland.

Career person sometimes teases lifestyle person and says hey..if you don't work hard enough you won't have enough money to retire on. You can't sail your whole life. But career person is happy because he has a good 401k and he enjoys his weekend activities.

Sailor says to career person..hey, I am so happy today with the water and I have all I need. When I die I can't take that money with me. I think about my future and put away what I can but I live today and in the now. I am very happy.

There's no right or wrong, or the right path, wrong path. Only choices and consequences.

Which one are you?????

i absolutely REFUSE

2009-06-22T16:28:00.002-10:00

to jack up the price of my retail veils to unfair amounts so that there is enough room to wholesale them

i've always offered veils from retail 39 to 49 depending on the amount of work that goes into them..the work isn't inferior to any other work..it's what market price was. enough to make the time worth it but not let the artist ego dictate the price.

i can't and won't raise retail prices so that people are more tempted to buy in bulk for a lower price. that's sooo not cool. won't operate that way. i hardly make much from wholesale orders but hey..am not raising prices..would rather keep the ethics intact. i don't think that is fair practice to customers. at least to a community who have been dear friends and associates for the past decade.

if you want overpriced imported veils, shop elsewhere. better yet ask for their discounted lots so you feel you are getting a deal. not.

clement st, san fran

2009-06-18T03:40:00.002-10:00

life in the bay area has been redeemed by a trip to clement st last night..clement and 4th to be specific..my favorite viatnamese restaurant is still in operation..i'm sooo happy. people if you want the best coconut chicken curry you've ever tasted..it's here. the Burmese restaurant is right across the street and that one is next in line..that place is always packed. the indonesian place down a few lots was empty. a full restaurant is a good indicator.

i took the train to oakland and met my friend, and we drove over the bridge together. the gray clouds ended right at the san fran skyline..the water on the right side of the bay near alcatraz glittered in gold and gray..the bay to the left was dark. every tall window in sf refracted the setting sun.

we hit the busy streets and i instantly remembered the places i used to run around. for years i have tried to seek a lifestyle with a quiet cabin in the woods..over time i have realized i am really happy near a big pulsating city. i love the people and activity. there's nothing like a taxi ride in sf. the stores, oh god the stores.

clement st and area is full of restaurants and side shops. i had two cups of coffee after 8 at night..a major no no for an insomniac, but after dinner we rolled down the windows and hooted and everyone and made a lovely excited scene. we were both energized and relaxed. Zack sat in the backseat with his thoughtful look and enjoyed the ride. we bought an exquisite peach and yellow orchid with intense detailing. and more coffee. coffee pearl drink followed by viatnamese coffee..my favorite. condensed milk with coffee is good. i am going to a store in chinatown to get one of those coffee set ups that drains the coffee into a cup that has a thick sluggish layer of condensed milk on the bottom. yum.

i was happy to break out of my self imposed jail and risk more lack of sleep by staying out late. sometimes lack of sleep leaves you feeling more energized.

the Tao by Jes

2009-06-17T04:11:00.009-10:00

have you ever woken from a bad dream and feel like you've been on a really long ride? which station did you decide to get off? was it a tornado that swept thru and knocked me unconscious ? or was it just a bad dream?

i have, today, june 17, finally completed a four year long cycle of roller coaster bullshit. and i feel resolved on the issue. battered, bruised, STOLEN, played with, but fear not..my surfboard saved me before and it will save me again. nothing like water zen to float away all the lingering turds

what i've learned from the process:

hawaii is my 'now' home..it may not be home forever but it is one of the places right now i most wish to be. arizona is second only because i love sedona so much. in arizona i feel the strength my dads and brothers taught me. (mom always encouraged me)

the bay area holds in a grayness that never goes away. summers should be sunny and full of bursting light and color every day. but a house becomes like a jail and the cute mini blinds start to look like bars, while the outside world lives and breathes that cold bay fog. and the bay aint no ocean.

people who live to make money are missing out on some really simple pleasures. i remember living on the mainland and feeling a constant pressure to be type A, gpa A, militant disciplined A, no free time to breathe A. sure, we need good grades and behaviors to get what we want. but if the entire process of getting that A requires you to live in a grave, how many years of your life are you missing? it's not all money and Ivy league.

i have a friend who status means everything to. i urge that person to stop living to earn the recognition and approval of others and live to be happy. friend makes a really big paycheck but friend is missing the boat. friend will continue to lose friends .

not everything has to be expensive to impress someone else (if that is what you are after).

it's tough for someone on the mainland to grasp something like surfing..us surfers know it's like trying to explain a different language. until you are standing on a real beach and watching the waves, it's tough to imagine. and even then it's tough to imagine things like the feel of the board under your bones or the spray of water as it hits your face as a wave crashes in front of you, and you watch your REAL FRIENDS ride by. surfing is a time out. it's a quiet zone that is exhilarating and full of breath and rainbows from every direction. your problems are gone. you are , really, as insignificant, but as part of the WHOLE , as every piece of coral and every fish you are swimming with. makes your problems seem rather small.

i need to walk..daily. walking the cracked busy sidewalks of hayward california is not exercise, it's punishment. a walk should be near something beautiful. a walk should leave you feeling invigorated..not feeling like dodging bullets

the song Halo is perhaps the most beautiful song i have heard and i dedicate it to my husband. i'm sorry for running off. thank you for letting me go. i'm coming home. (but still like to run off :)

my husband never put me in a cage, never told me how i had to do something, never told me i couldnt visit friends or go out. he loves my dance. he loves my blog and outspoken ways. he never silences me or expects me to act like a lady. he would let me go to europe in a heartbeat, even if it meant he had to stay behind. he may not kiss me as much as i would like but he has 10,000 other good things about him. i'm sorry my eyes have been closed to it.

coffee is just as good when it's made with instant as when it's made from a fancy machine.

organic food did not prevent me from getting sick.

sleep is golden.

i'm fine spending a night a week watching some senseless tv program. not all nights should be spent studying. i made it thru nursing school as a single mom, working part time, and taking one night a week to dance with friends. all work and no play makes jes a dull lifeless corpse. no dance makes her die inside.

sure we can plan for tomorrow but if you are so busy worrying about all your future plans, you are not living today. a disease can wipe out earth tomorrow..would you want your last day here to be spent counting your money or laying on a beach in the sunshine watching your kids play?

i love akai silks. i want to go on to grad school but it won't happen overnight. i refuse to give up on things TODAY to make a path for four years from now. what a waste. i will have to cut a path thru the jungle to grad school. no sense on giving up all pleasures now for something that is four years away. one day at a time. one degree at a time. for Gods sake lets just wait until the nursing license from hawaii is in hand before mapping out a four year course. (two weeks..two weeks..two weeks)

i'll raise my kids to achieve their potential but above all else, seek and enjoy daily sunshine and happiness. for without those two things a degree and good paying job don't mean shit.

i've been living under a black and white world for a few weeks..but today i opened the door and before me stands a world in blazing color again.

i'm free

oh...and vortexes may not really exist in the way people think they do..it might have been all the coffee!

building bridges. sorry no caps today, sleep dep

2009-06-15T04:20:00.004-10:00

years ago when i first started out in nursing, i had already decided i would work in OB or L and D..no question about it. cardio, neuro, peds, icu..nothing else excited me. i have a tolerance for surgery, pacu, plastics, derm, and psych but really felt my aptitude and real interest was in women's health. each time i had a baby (uh..twice now) , going thru the process affirmed that's where i want to be. watching multiple births affirmed it.

i worked briefly as a CNA in OB ..was my first real 'nurse assistant' job at Flagstaff Medical Center. but with a new baby and less than helpful mate, when they put me on night shifts i couldn't do it. Morgan's dad was on a path to make sure i would not succeed so that i would need him. i eventually transferred over to SNF and was miserable. didn't have to suffer too long, was accepted into the nursing program in phoenix..i did work agency as a cna then lpn..i sorta got 'stuck' in snf's and ltc's. assisted living wasn't too bad. but i always felt getting the transfer during my first job was pivotal and set the tone for many years. after earning my rn license i stuck with what i knew, happy to get a job that was non-hospital with hospice. but still worked agency. agency is wonderfully flexible and pays well. but why be paid well for work that sucks the life out of you.

ever since returning to the bay area i have felt a rush of excitement about doing something with school and career again. for the past two years i have felt pretty restless with akai. i enjoy the challenge of running a business but feel i've reached a plateau and can't produce, on my own, any more. goal met. what's next. i've battled the feelings of returning to a nurse job because i couldnt bear the thought of getting stuck again. but in a crappy economy oversaturated with new grads fighting for scraps, i was undecided what to do.

there are a lot of factors pointing towards going back to school. the money i would normally spend on stocking akai for fall season can easily pay for a full year of college. on the accelerate track i could finish my four year degree in nursing in one long hard year. once i had that degree, i could apply to grad programs. there's three i am considering..well three areas of interest. by the time i apply i should be able to narrow it down ..my heart and my head are battling it over. nurse midwife..physician assistant (always loved the medical model..even..i admit..more than the nursing model)..and nurse anesthetist.

it's a relief to not wake up and work on things like a website..it's exciting to be able to research schools and do something that will allow for upward mobility. i dont want the stubbornness of excelling at a business that i created to prevent me from moving towards another line of work that is a lot more stable. so for now i'll cross the bridge that leads to more opportunities

am giggling over

2009-06-14T04:46:00.001-10:00

some certain 'vendors' style of what works for bellydance costuming..needed a good giggle. seriously..it helps to be a dancer when making things for dancers..we don't want to look like an attack of the circus clowns. hehehehehe.

ps clowns freak me out

a return to previous self

2009-06-09T04:02:00.003-10:00

life is so interesting as people drift in and out of your path, and you study the effect they may have on your path..maybe someone suggests a side trail and you follow along, and you learn a new perspective and then swear by it..and it becomes so much part of your life that all future decisions are influenced by it.

then you get restless, and you start your own path, or maybe go back to the trail head to walk down the path you had left behind. and you meet someone else who is there walking the same direction. and they remind you of all the dreams and ambitions you once had before your ideals went astray (or diverted). astray ideals are not a bad thing..we are all layers of experience. and trying things out.

i am remembering now who Laura King was, straight A student, champion horseback rider, disciplined, studious, career oriented. Type A. Financially conscious. Multi-tasking and can do it all. Might work self to death but enjoys the challenge.

I met someone four years ago , we remained in contact and now talk frequently. He comes from a military background like me and gives 100% every day to his job..but he is not locked down to 9 to 5. That may be his hours but his spirit is free and he enjoys every moment of life. laughs constantly. Is very driven, has a plan. Has goals, motivation.

He has reminded me of the blue ribbon that I once was, and shows by example that one can have a busy life with full time job but still be free. I used to think I was selling out if i stopped working akai full time and went back to work..oh but i'm an artist living free. how free is it though? i work long hours. i love the work but why haven't i given my other interest, medicine, a decent chance? why did i abandon it because of one job in one location under one set of circumstances? do i have what it takes to stick it out under undesirable conditions to find what i want from it?

i'm excited to be looking into grad school options. there's an excellent one here in oakland. it would take a few years and a lot of work. akai would have to go into recession..impossible to do it all. but the job i'd have the opportunity to work towards would be outstanding and once again i'd be free.

artists are free in their path..they wake up and create. but so can the military person..if they use their job as a tool to create freedom

i hope they make wetsuits in pink

2009-06-08T08:55:00.002-10:00

cuz it looks like this may be a new surf spot..we drove past yesterday and i was frothing and jumping around wildly..yeah water is super ass cold..but the waves broke easy and smooth..

forgot how much i love california, such diversity..and you don't easily end up at a dead end, the highways go for miles, unlike an island that is often like an amusement park..very exciting at first but once you've seen everything and been on all the rides, you look for a new one

i was born and raised a so cal chick but loved the bay area the couple of years i was here before..glad to be home. i have to return to hawaii and plan on going back and forth as much as possible (thanks to a travel nurse job)..surely all that bouncing around will settle the spirit :)

resurrected

2009-06-06T05:59:00.002-10:00

it may be a hoax but today is the first day in many that i woke up and didnt feel like i was a corpse clawing my way out of a grave at midnight. the hours of sleep did not change but i do remember dreaming of the water and watching the waves..and after a good talk with a smart business guy last night, i suppose rest came easier. one can exhale when one knows the next step. it's a dance and often you just have to move forward without overthinking it to find the right place to poise the foot.

i like this photo, courtesy of http://drlisalongworth.files.wordpress.com/2007/09/gctext-copy.jpg

a woman is in a prison while in cocoon but it's a necessary step to sprout the wings. i'm the impatient type and was probably beating on the walls the entire time, but if i fly too soon the wings will be wet. more time needed to let them spread open and loft on the breeze

it's sunny today and a dark gray cloud is hanging back..black cat in the yard looking at me curious. deep breath..

posting photos for use in newsletter

2009-06-05T05:33:00.004-10:00

my take on using online dating sites

2009-06-04T06:33:00.002-10:00

UGH! buyer beware. I was on match.com years ago and 99.9% of those guys , when you meet them in person, are either overweight, 10 years older than their photo, or have no teeth (I think Lauren or Dani can back me up there)

Think of the profile as a souped up application, you are wanting to highlight your best features and downplay the negatives. Some guys look so good on paper and you can read the profiles and say wow we are a match..on paper.

Not that I am a non-believer and by all means go for it. I met and dated a few guys who were really pleasant but we just didn't share the same chemistry..two are still friends of mine, they later went on and met their wives on the dating site so it must work.

Ask for lots of photos. Don't give out your number , and make sure your girlfriend is ready to text or call you to get you out of a bad date..work out a code for God sake or you will be stuck sitting in a stinky car with someone like Stinky Troy (one of my experiences..well hey got a nice dinner out of it). PLAN AN ESCAPE!!!

Meet in public, don't give out your number or he'll stalk you when you end the date. Make up a new email address you use just for the dudes (don't give work or personal email..or address). Try to answer questions generally like "I work at a bank" instead of having him meet you AT that bank.

Be prepared for false or inflated info. Because they once read Pride and Prejudice does not make them well read. Because they took a few college classes and claim to have graduated does not mean they have a good job and are free of loan debt. Or even that they are intelligent. They'll say they like romantic dinners and walk on the beach and that's to get you in bed then they'll go back to ESPN and hot dogs.

One of the other reasons I didn't care for the dating site is that I'd be suspicious if they had a lot of recent activity..if you see they are signing in every day and not talking to you , then you have to wonder how many other profiles they are romancing. AND additionally if you see that they have been a member A LONG TIME that is a major red flag. That may mean other women have tossed him back into the pool. Turd no good dude!

I still believe in old fashion eyes meet and instant chemistry. Twu and I had an interest but not a lightning bolt. My first husband and I had the lightning bolt and we still share a love for each other tho we are not together. But we met in person where you can all at once see their eyes, catch their scent, sense their general aura..things that can't be done with a computer

But..a computer can be a great shopping tool

i want to dye

2009-06-03T05:15:00.002-10:00

finding that balance again between ordering more supplies than i can possibly go thru before heading back to hawaii ...just to dye something... and knocking out a few more CEU's for nursing again. both have an arm and are pulling me and i know i can move forward with both of them, after all geminis like challenges and we are all about balance of some sort.

am feeling a bit of angst for not being out in the hawaiian water..a quick morning surf would cure the jitters. or another rigorous vortex hike in sedona. oh i promised to come back to vortex. it's sort of like a gemini mind and you have to breathe in the moment then release it so that more info can swirl by. mmm i like swirl. colors, coffee, wind tunnels, anything that spins.

promised self to get on BART today and learn a few stops with the Z man but it's weather permitting. not completely sure how i feel about the grayness here yet (bay area) but it's only been a short time .

i think i need a good long day break from Zack..love him so much but need to spread the wings and fly around and exhaust self from looking in windows at Haight Ashbury and get a map going of the current POA ...website updates, registration for next nurse class, and if i can sit still long enough, determine exactly what it is i need to live on and work towards that. awfully tempting to go get a well paid agency job in bay area but whats the sense of making good money if no free time to spend it ? yes, the return to bay area is a return to a lifestyle i long ago ran from. but can one be a silk dyeing beach bum for life?

i need a warm, quiet rock with no distraction to figure this all out.

Sedona vortex

2009-05-28T18:26:00.001-10:00

more on this later..just starting a tag vortex for later

senseless blather

2009-05-19T19:41:00.002-10:00

so do you think you should be an excellent communicator with your 'mate' or do you think some things are better left un-talked about? how often do you not understand each other, and why is there a misunderstanding? is it lack of hearing each other or different interpretations or a cultural thing? if your 'mate' was silent most of the time are you ok with that? if they tell you they love you because it's what you expect to hear does it mean less? or does it mean anything? is the idea of love something so different between the two of you that you can agree that there is a love between you but not one that is everlasting in a 'mate' sense? and what is a 'mate' , what are your terms or guidelines?

how important is clear communication and how important is silence?

an unexpected treat

2009-05-17T13:40:00.003-10:00

this morning i took zack to the beach early..yesterday i met up with a friend around 1pm and it was deadly hot, even in the shade. i can't stand tv anymore since we're finally turned loose in waikiki so not going out due to heat is not an option. so we packed up early and hit the sand by 7

we have a handful of mermaid lady friends (the guys stop by too) who report in early as well, we sit on the wall and jabber about nothing. usually they snorkel or boogie, we fed the fish this morning and that delighted the hell outta z

the last week of waves has been pretty crappy at least when we've made it over so it was particularly painful to see them firing, in sets of four and five, every few minutes. the wave faces were high, peaked, clean and perfect..and plenty of them. surfers were pausing and picking which one they wanted. i sat in the shade with z and drooled.

J must have felt sorry for me or seen the crazed look in my eyes, she had snorkeled earlier and had told me she'd seen some jellies on the other side of the wall so that ruled out letting z splash around in the shallow water. little bastards will camp out in the sand. she offered to watch z and give me 'five waves'.

i wasn't wearing a suit..,and i know better than to go to the beach without stuffing a suit in his diaper bag, just in case. but i was wearing a cropped tshirt and a knee length skirt. the panties were too light colored to pass for swimsuit or not offend. i tried on a pair of shorts offered to me by one of the local guys who rent out the boards but it would have wound around me twice and i knew i still would have lost his shorts..not a good thing.

so i asked them how much to rent a board for 20 minutes, they hand one to me with a pair of very comfy fins and tell me to go have fun.

there i was plunging into the water with skirt and shirt on. i noticed a few curious looks from tourists..but a mermaid must go to the water. was out there long enough to greet everyone, get a few waves, and relax the entire body for the rest of the day. people who do drugs are dumb. they should just surf.

cruised past two jellies on my way out but it's funny how you don't think about jellies and sharks when you are in the water..

should turds have their own birth certificates?

2009-05-17T06:21:00.003-10:00

dont you think some of them earn it by their size, length or girth?

if anyone thinks i'll start acting more professional once i'm working as a nurse again i'm afraid not. i'm here for life.

summer is here

2009-05-12T13:42:00.003-10:00

it's time for my yearly roach rant. this will be my fourth summer in hawaii yet i just can't seem to shake the fear of roaches. ours are colossal. and they fly.

i have learned how to take them out though. you cannot sneak up on them with a shoe over your head and get into position. i know they must have one million eyes on their loathsome heads cuz they know you're coming and they will scuttle off or fly at you.

today i had an encounter with two large ones. no matter how clean you keep your place, if the people above you are filthy and pack 8 people in a one bedroom condo guess what? roaches see that as a sign that we should all live together happily. damn i miss my cat.

the first one was under the sink. i'm very strict about emptying all trash out but there he was crawling around on the baseboard. no shoe with me (i know better) so i grabbed a bottle of spray clean and doused the fucker as he ran in circles. he eventually crawled to safety under the oven. knowing there was nothing i could do but considering that he could still live and make it over to the bedroom, i had to give up the hunt..zack was ready for his nap and i was ready to lay down and rest for a bit.

i woke up feeling like something was over me. you know that half glaze of sleep where you don't want to wake up but you know you're not going back to sleep? of course i look up and see the roach. could be a different one but let's think this thru. it's roach karma coming to get me.

he was high enough on the wall where i knew i would have to jump to get him. this requires skill and luckily i have it. he was right over the baby's bed (still sleeping) so i quietly pulled the baby's bed away from the wall. folks..those of you who stupidly think by pulling your beds from the wall will prevent roaches from getting on your bed are idiots. they climb walls and they don't do too well on ceilings which means they FALL on you. just hope to god you are not aware of it cuz it does cause family issues.

i snuck out of the room and grabbed one of twu's heavy shoes (no need to use mine plus what are high heels gonna do). now this is the important part..you can't size up the situation and sneak closer to him and take a deep breath and all that crap. you have to move in fast and obliterate your enemy. which is exactly what i did. a split second before i made impact i could see it twist its head around and tickle the air with its antennae.

i smacked him so hard that i saw goop fly on to the baby's bed. the first thought..hmm should i wake the baby? it's not near him it's just on the rail. the rest of the winged body clumped to the floor where i covered it with twu's shoe so he could deal with it later. there are some gender roles i believe in. i don't clean up bugs. on occasion i will destroy them but the cleanup must be done by someone else. he'll have head guts waiting for him as well.

i'd like to display part of the carcass outside to warn the others that i don't dick around but a cat will probably carry it off.

well..summer is here. soon the island will be grossly overinhabited by something smaller than a hand but that causes more stir than an earthquake. and we have plenty of those.

seriously, the thought of tsunamis and sharks does nothing to shake my image of hawaii but when i see roaches, i consider moving.

don't leave me floatin like a turd

2009-05-11T09:29:00.002-10:00

Ok so my RN license for state of Hawaii was approved, should get it in July (could get it sooner but it would cost $$ as their renewal dates fall in July so I may as well save the $ and wait (who me wait???)

I'm not coming down on HI state board ...but they require absolutely no refresher course of any kind to re-enter nursing. Refreshing is up to the hospital or agency who hires us. I can tell you in my experience, even the orientation for nurses who are current and active is usually piss poor. Thrown to the wolves is a good expression.

It's not that I doubt I can poke people and chart it..it's the years of not doing anything active within nursing that concerns me..I haven't looked at a patient chart in years..have not had to make decisions or assess a patient. Yet HI hands me a license just like that?

Have been doing reading and research on my own but it's like floating in a pool without an anchor..I can review labs, meds, skills, but despite the 'no need' for refresher course required by Hawaii..I'm checking into online and in person courses anyways. It would make me feel a lot better to have a mentor guide me thru an organized outline or review. At least give me an outline. Online courses are expensive and some are lengthy but at least I won't be a floatin turd.

It's not like tie dye..

but..I'm up for the academic challenge and am strongly considering going back to school to complete a BSN degree, then on to MSN

"how insomnia means true love"

2009-05-10T20:37:00.003-10:00

i've been a frickin zombie all day from lack of sleep. sleep and food are so very important to a healthy functioning mind. we won't go into why i didn't sleep much last night.

so it feels like i lost a day..zombie-hood is only good for maintaining the toddler's food, activity and potty status. mom slumps over in a half breathing state and waits for bedtime. no work was done..it was tough enough to plan lunch.

and now..i'm free to sleep, the kid is in bed. most of the neighbors have shut up. but darkness and outdoor coolness ...oh i'm awake now. kewl..now what? lay in a single bed and stare at darkness and let the mind run in circles (i'm contemplating reading up on hospice nurse care) . should i plan the next three years of life? sleep????? that's only possible after 11.

i think the energy of oahu has sparked me back to life, after a long dull sleep on big island (sorry big island, love you for what you are). but haven't had full rich deep sleep since we've landed here. might have to go on vacation to sleep..but i seriously doubt i will sleep when i am on vacation..too many..distractions :)

surely a long hard surf session will make me sleepy?

i welcome the activity tomorrow..morning fast paced walk, fast veil production, fast anything. i want there to not be enough hours in the day to complete projects. will make the next two weeks go by faster, hopefully.

drive by...

2009-05-09T06:46:00.002-10:00

what else?

absorbed some courage and paddled out to the back of the lineup yesterday, figured the expert surfers know how to turn and they won't hit me. i rented a smaller board and did much better. the exhilaration of spotting a wave and watching it slowly build, waikiki style, it surges upon you , the tail lifts, the board jumps forward and starts gliding. there's no other moment on earth and really, nothing else matters. it's sooo zen.

i'm still knee riding too long and need to pop up faster but arms are still saying wtf? by the time they are ready i'll be on mainland hehehehe. that's ok my love of surfing is going nowhere

i am devising a plan to dye and work akai sept thru april and work as a nurse at a temp agency late apr thru august.

learning to ride again

2009-05-06T20:55:00.003-10:00

today the full moon (almost) energy made me buggy as all hell..late in the day i decided it was best to ditch the boys and go to the beach on my own. no sitting out in the sand under a blazing sun picking sand out of my ass waiting for them to tote along their water and toys and towels..i had a date on my own with the water

our scheduled swell produced no waves, in fact this morning showed nothing but a lake with bare rock on standout reef. i knew going down there this evening may be a disappointment. the water was choppy from the wind and there were only a few ripples. nothing resembling the normal waves i give thumbs up for.

i drove past the beach before parking to get a quick surf report. i knew i could go boogey board, at least get wet, have a decent exercise routine, have fun, and catch a few small ripples. safety. or i could walk the length of the beach, pay money to rent a huge tanker surfboard, and struggle to find the balance that had long ago been so easy for my body. when you surf you don't always have fun. when you surf sometimes you go thru a lot of pain for no reward. boogey boarding is a day event. surfing is a lifetime committment. surfing is a risk.

i chose surfing with no regret and no looking back. got the locals discount for a huge 12 ft tanker. i couldnt even wrap my arm around it , and had to drag it by its nose to the water. in the past i'd be carrying my 8'6 Fat Boy and plopping him down in the water, and gliding on in one fluid motion. My body doesnt remember how to do that and i mighta popped an implant had i attempted it today. the board was so long i could barely control it and turn it. it was like navigating a canoe.

but somehow i got on..no arm strength any more to hoist myself on. had to struggle on like a tourist. paddling wasnt too bad, had to stop often and whimper in pain but i made it out to the beginners line up, chose who looked like they had more control of their board than me, and waited

was pleasantly surprised to find that i could easily catch the waves..not much of a feat since i was on a 12 ft aircraft. as many times before i get caught up in the motion of the board and stand up slowly instead of doing a quick pop up. must build arm strength again..will take about six weeks and unfortunately i dont have the full time ability to commit right now. my feet made contact with the board a few times just for me to dive off the side or land on my ass. water got pushed up into any orifice. damn it burns the eyes and nose when it goes in hard. falling off a board is so much more violent than falling off a boogey board but it makes a man outta ya.

i did 'ride' a few waves, not very steady but enough to satisfy my inner challenge goddess. or lack of. no shame in blowing your nose in the water and looking like utter shit to others. not diplaying the best body angles and feeling awkward, un-athletic and then having to admit yes i've surfed before but its been two years since i took it serious so yea i SUCK. yea i used to charge bigger curvy waves and fight for them and now i struggle with tiny ripples on a huge steady 12 ft board. up yours whats your point . hehehehe

but i remember back to when i bought my first board, Fast Betty. green and white with a large Steinlager beer label on her torso. it was not an easy board to paddle or ride on but i was recovering from a horribly devastating break up, and instead of drowning in sorrow, i bought a board and paddled myself out to the line up, started asking questions, and fell in love with surfing. the pain of trying to achieve was far better than the pain of heartbreak. oh and that heartbreak was bad..if you are reading this you fucker you know you hurt me bad. but i forgive. you gave me surfing. i needed it to survive. i was sinking like a weight and Fast Betty kept me floating.

beginners luck, picked it up rather fast. didnt know enough to be scared of anything. didnt know you could be knocked out by someone else's (or your own) board. good friend of mine lost a chip out of his tooth from having his own board come down on his face. bad place to put your face, don't you think? in the way of a big board. he named his board dick cuz he said he always wanted a big dick.

now i know the fear and potential. now i know how quickly you can run out of air as your board drags you under. i know how fast a hand can struggle to find a velcro leash around the ankle to release you from the dragging beast. surfboards can keep you adrift or drag you under.

i have feared waves and surfboards for some time now. on August 1st a couple years ago, in rain and wind, it was the anniversary of my dads death so to escape that pain again, i went out in the water. i was held under the wave for a long time, was gasping and terrified by the time i got back to the surface. instead of getting back on the waves, i kept falling off and tumbling more. i was falling and spiraling. i could never get over that day, and that fear..since that time i'm a big ole chicken shit surfer.

but hopefully today was a reset, when you go back to the very beginning of something and remember so well what you loved about it and experience every moment of newness again, when your muscles are awakened to their purpose, when your primitive self seethes the wave under a waxing almost full moon, you know the cycle has completed itself. you know you have served your sentence, you are healed from the breakup, you trust in love again, you get back on the board, and you ride the wave fearless.

the nurse thingie got approved

2009-05-03T17:01:00.001-10:00

but no worries i wont have a piece of paper til july 1st which means i can go dick around until then. :)

Omar Faruk Tekbilek

2009-04-29T06:31:00.003-10:00

new cd!!!

pics taken during a show at a tiny bookstore in..Marin? where the heck where was that? bay area hehe. love OFT

was so inspired by his music i had to dash to the back of the room and danced between the shelves with the smaller half circle veils

am wondering if seeing a shrink or going to the water would be a better plan

2009-04-28T21:50:00.001-10:00

for the morning hours

getting an appt with the shrink may take a few days so i may as well grab the board.

i have to stop thinking about things

KISS

2009-04-22T06:46:00.002-10:00

KEEP IT SIMPLE STUPID

what wise words

not that anyone who is complicated is stupid

but there is much to be said about un-complicating your craft business and your life for that matter

i recommend moving as it almost forces you to trim the fat and decide what's really important.

which are your best and most profitable items? items with a fast turnover? does custom work really pay itself to make it worthwhile? are you 24-7 and chained to your job or do you call the shots? does your business own you?

i have been owned for many years now. akai and ebay both co-owned me. now of course it's easy to say i am not owned anymore since it's almost summer and i do a self imposed slow down on bellydance business. the clothing and accessories that i do usually have a bit of leeway of completion time unless it's a store that needs items right away for a big sale or promotion. bellydancers, well we all need things quick and things come up right? still..it's nice to relax from the fast paced city life of bellydance production and slide into ohhh what will i make today for the accessories portion

this morning is a little bit tough because i have errands to do again but want to see the gals at the beach before it gets too hot. but i often have a spurt of energy first thing in the morning and furiously write down ideas.

still haven't heard back from the nursing board but i'm not even sure i'll have time for that kind of job, unless it's just registry work that is part time, very part time like one weekend a month. i have too many ideas.

and now that i'm in waikiki again it's as if the entire head has opened up to the possibilities. i am very in tune with the environment i live in and constantly see new need or new idea depending on where we live. i remember a few summers ago wanting to create nothing but summer and resort wear clothes. here in town it is normal to wander around in bathing suit tops and sarongs. showing skin is fine. i forgot about that on big island..it's colder and the beach-ism is removed from hilo town, people are more dressed. now..the silk dresses did really well at the craft fair in fact i have to set up my gal with more soon . but it's an entirely different dress code.

so..faced with having a friend visit tomorrow from the mainland and not having a husband around til next week i have to put the ideas on slow simmer and just go enjoy the daily activities. it's not that i can't do things with the baby here but you have to get into a mental groove of sorts...it's easily thrown off by a walking talking beast

anyways..akai aint going anywhere, just re-grouping and redistributing and getting back into the side projects that i love = waikiki stuff. bellydance will still run pretty much sept thru june . but i'm gonna buy a new lot of dresses and other items soon.

my model in Greece is getting new photos, can't wait to see them

am drunk on sunshine

2009-04-20T19:17:00.002-10:00

aloha mateys, at last there is an internet connection from the condo. so far my only times to post quickly to facebook or check in are the rare moments when Zack is asleep ..or when Zack is asleep. i had no idea what i was getting myself into by taking him to Oahu, on my own, for two weeks. it's an...adventure.

not sure where the energy is coming from, surely the heat of late summer will have me cursing over things that are a welcome sight right now. the pulse of a city that never sleeps. my first night was in a hotel room because we had no electricity at the condo ..and well i have a baby. flying back home was no option. so i stayed in the heart of waikiki till today when they switched the electric back on. i was up rather late both nights, i remember staying the night in waikiki a couple years ago, in a penthouse overlooking Kuhio ave, and remembering the nonstop activity. our condo is pretty close to it all, we are over on the other side of the canal. i'm still very happy we are ground floor. i don't like elevators and not having immediate outside access..it just weirds me out. anyways, the sirens and shouting and cars and foot traffic is just amazing. i remember hanging on the balcony a good portion of the night just watching.

the physical activity feels awesome, we have been walking everywhere. just a cheapie stroller and a backpack but we've been treading some major amount of streetage. every time we had to go out for food i'd turn it into a mini excursion. Zack has seen boats, birds, fish, motorcycles, buses, more people than he knew existed..and I think the sun is affecting him too. since we've been here he has started saying Uh Oh and ball and i thought i heard a bye bye. there's a lot of new stimulus to the brain.

the condo is just a place to relax, make dinner, shower and sleep. it serves as the convenient pit stop to island activity. of course we'll be in waik a lot of the time.

i talked with someone at the gym i want to join..it's a monthly membership but the initial set up fee is the killer. then it's 3 dollars on top of that for them to watch my kid . i was planning it so Zack and i would take a bus to the gym (maybe five..ten minutes from here) early in the morning, he would hang with the gym daycare while i worked out , then we'd catch another bus to the beach where daddy would be waiting with the beach gear. i'm going to try out the seven day free trial and see how it all works out. beaches are best when you are there early in the morning and a beach will definitely be cardio exercise..and is free. so i'm weighing the options and price. overall, just being back here will be more conducive to just simply walking and exercising since it doesn't fucking rain every day. it's easy to go walk to jamba juice or walk to the canal park to take Zack outside. the outdoors are a whole different world to him. as i said he's even tripping out on sunlight. wow mommy it's warm and pretty.

tomorrow i get a bit of a break from serving his majesty and am running off with a friend to the water. yes, a beach but most importantly the water. may be able to just paddle around but that is good enough.

i have a friend visiting on thursday who may be here thru the weekend so no concrete plans other than just keeping fresh fruit in the fridge and taking the baby on mini trips. hope to take him over to the aquarium in a couple of days. we both have blisters from walking.

i haven't taken him in the water yet since there were jellyfish and the suckers wash right up on the beach. i didnt want him to step on one. they should be gone tomorrow ..but if there's waves he'll have to wait one more day :)

we can't wait for daddy to join us. daddy is going to take him for a week straight. mommy's going to savor the goodness of going potty alone.

how to pack to go live on an island

2009-04-14T08:32:00.002-10:00

now i've done this a few times so i consider myself a bit of an expert..it's not as daunting as it seems, you just have to be willing to part with things. it's HEALTHY to not have clutter. it is FREEDOM trust the wise words of someone who moves every six months

1) first, get mad about something because as you go thru your clutter, your anger will keep you from feeling too sentimental

2) open a suitcase

3) place enough items for ONE WEEK in the suitcase. ONE outfit a day..not one beach outfit, one dinner outfit, one sleep outfit. remember the airlines charge for suitcases now. you don't want to bring more than one.

4) choose one nice necklace or pair of earrings that go with everything

5)sell off your cds and just take an ipod

6) pack your kid's stuff but not much, he's growing anyways

7) whatever does not fit in the suitcase, DONATE to goodwill . there's people who need it more than you do.

8) don't pack silly shit like salt and cotton balls, buy new stuff when you get there

9) girls, you can have one small carry on bag as well as lord knows we have to bring makeup

10) don't let your sig other talk you into bringing anything else..it's all useless shit that clutters your life and takes up space. we only need one towel, one pair of sheets, you get my drift?

11) surfboards are absolutely included as the freebie (we all get one)

12) book your flight to leave before your husband so he has to toss out the remaining crap (or donate) so you can't change your mind. be sure to leave him enough food and a few dishes.

13) be prepared to give up old bad habits. you are starting a new life.

14) reflect on how purchases have ruled your life and how wasteful you are and vow to not buy any more crap

life is better without furniture and crap. i've been pretty crapless since i divorced my first husband with his roomfuls of crap. yes i said roomfuls. poor guy.

who needs blogs when one has Facebook

2009-04-14T06:35:00.002-10:00

admittedly a good time waster but it's a great way to keep up with friends and send meaningless photos/links and hey..feed your vampire. i'm ashamed to say i spent a good 20 minutes feeding my vampire last night but i did throw my ex husband to a buddy vampire to give her meaty snack.

am having a really hard time focusing on work and sitting still because i'm winding things down for the move. hard to run at full speed when you have to slow actions by end of the month. so i might just step it up and get things ready as possible today and see what happens. a flight over wouldnt cost too much and the sun would do wonders. my sentence on the big island is up.

i won't have a car or kitchenware for a few days but PhuketThai is walking distance from the condo. Put kid in condo, sign up to gym, and get shit rolling.

WWYD if you found out someone is selling an import as something they made?

2009-04-12T08:03:00.003-10:00

there's nothing wrong with selling imported items but it should be disclosed the item is an import and not made in the US or by the 'artist' right?

I used to sell silk and sari double layer skirts but it was understood I did not make the sari nor did I do the sewing. I just dye stuff.

kinda sad when the rest of us who play by the rules with honest, back breaking sweat and tears have to go up against dishonest sellers who import , cut open a package and list as handmade. thumbs down.

starts the countdown to sun

2009-04-11T07:16:00.002-10:00

well the 20 or so veils i hung up yesterday are still sopping wet. gotta love rain..can't dry a thing. if my cats leave behind cat food for too long it molds here. gross. you have to bleach the walls on occasion to get rid of mold as well

am dreaming of a long flat red rock to stretch out on, just like a lizard. of full moons over desert landscapes unobstructed by tangled green vines and towering greens. the canyon is always redder when you are away from it

but..the couch is gone, the washer leaves tuesday, the beds are sold, we have two beach chairs and a tv. and the kid. if drying time goes well i'm shooting for leaving this saturated rock in about a week..i'll be on my lonesome with the baby in Oahu, no respite care for the weary. he'll be mine day in and day out til daddy joins us on the 30th. that's ok i plan to be really busy. like, sitting out in the sun and regaining valuable nutrients.

i bought a rash guard that actually fits over the DD girls. if i'm lucky i can talk a friend into watching the baby for me while i paddle out at sunrise with friend Gary and surf the morning sets again. rebuild and conquer.

am getting hammered with silk orders still but hey..it survived a recession. we're zipping up all the final tax papers and my sales are exactly where they were last year. it would be stupid to give up ...akai is recession proof (just kidding, but knock on wood). i'm finally exhaling and realizing that if i take a month off here and there, that business does not go away. it just waits.

so..if i'm gone all summer, i'll be back.

sorry about slow emails right now!!

2009-04-09T15:50:00.004-10:00

went outside this morning after the coffee bhuz and dyed 30 Temptation veils for a California troupe, then had to document some ideas about a straight two panel skirt made from crepe de chine silk. I'm sorry if I didn't email you back yet about something!!

have a good night if you watch Survivor (i like Tyson)

me likey

2009-04-09T08:00:00.003-10:00

i wouldnt dare cut this one up to make a skirt from it but it's fueling an idea for a really bitchen panel skirt. me keepie. its hanging next to the last few.

it has a matching crepe de chine scarf (that i'm keeping)

the real stars of dance

2009-04-06T20:19:00.003-10:00

yesterday i watched a 'professionally made' dance video with many pro dancers..am not sure why i felt that way but after about 40 minutes i was bored.

tonight i've been watching old student night videos..maybe i'm more emotionally tied to those dancers because i knew/know them.

it's interesting how much you learn about your own dance, and style, and perceptions when you watch how things were a few years ago

these will come in small doses

2009-04-06T06:54:00.003-10:00

did some pics of a few different ruanas, as you might expect there's one i'm holding back and i'll show it off later..

this one started as a complete muddy flub but magically i was able to dye over it again and paint some bitchen gold streaks in it. i'm obviously very drawn to the desert and all its magical copper and earthy colors.

99.99999% of bad behavior is caused by boredom

2009-04-05T07:09:00.002-10:00

it's the final couple of weeks before we move again. you'd think with all this free time i'd be all over projects like brown on good for you rice but i just can't seem to get motivated to do anything. am awaiting one more slow shipment of silk to finish a large troupe order and then, realistically, i can take Zack with me to the condo and meet daddy there in a couple of weeks. we'll miss him of course but i am certain i can keep him busy in oahu. we have friends all over the island. i've saved enough $ where i don't HAVE to work until fall season again. plus we're gonna see where the whole nursing thing goes. whether i go back to work as a nurse varies on which day you ask me (surprised?) . had a chat with a critical care nurse yesterday, when i mentioned my possible return she asked me if i was retarded.

besides, i've long held a theory that working is not a way to escape boredom. if you think about an average 9 to 5 workweek, you don't have time to be bored at home. you're too busy on weekends cleaning the house and getting shit ready for the next week. working is not an answer to cure boredom.

am just not understanding this slump. i don't know if i can keep blaming the weather, i've come to expect gray skies everyday. i don't know if seasonal affective disorder can last that long or if we get immune to shitty weather.

if i had the means, and the patience, i'd duct tape the kid and go fly to arizona and visit my new house.

the same recurring dream

2009-04-04T07:28:00.003-10:00

well there's a few..one of the most common ones, that's actually pretty fun, is that i'm getting ready to perform and can't find a piece of the costume, or am finding multiple nonrelated parts, or can't find the veil, or can't decide on music.

usually these are the dreams i have to listen to and spend the day focusing on that part of creativity. no dyeing today. might go play.

how to deal with alcoholics

2009-04-04T07:26:00.002-10:00

and then hit the delete key :)

sensu, sensu, sensu

2009-04-02T07:50:00.003-10:00

had a very vibrant active dream last night, i was with a ..i guess you can say an archetypal wise woman and i kept asking her questions..should i do this, should we stay here, what about this, and i think she was getting a bit impatient with me because she grabbed my head and tried to quiet me (hehehe)

but anyways the dream is fading fast and the only thing i remember is that i kept calling her Sensu.

so of course i google sensu this morning and sensu is a japanese folding fan (behold photo)

it must MEAN something

i'm to take up sensu dance? and all my questions will be answered?

one more hoop completed

2009-03-31T09:39:00.002-10:00

am one more tiny step, or have jumped thru one more hoop, needed to activate my nursing license again. i swear this time i won't let it lapse..it's a huge pain in the ass and a lot of paper pushing and waiting to get it back

oooh new project!!

2009-03-30T07:57:00.003-10:00

so i wised up and ditched the antibiotic that was making me sick as a dog. serious malaise, wanted to sleep all day, no appetite, feeling of wanting to barf. yuck. i discontinued it a day and a half ago and feel better already. post surg pain is nonexistent i'm ready for anything now even tho doc orders say to lay low another four days. FINE. i might call him later and tell him i dc'd the AB and beg that he doesnt put me on another. only had another day and a half of pills to go anyways. i'll be noncompliant when things make me sick.

TY sold the couch so we turned the tv and after putting the baby to bed, lay in bed together and watched tv. a rare night off for him. loved it. Amazing Race contestants went to Phuket, a place i have long coveted.

i turned to him and said..hey, why don't we go to oahu, spend the summer, save up some cash, sell the condo and then go spend a few months in Malaysia with your family? and we can travel around to Singapore, Bali, Thailand, while we are there. The house in Arizona will be rented out for the next year anyways. We can live a few months in Malay for dirt cheap, his family has a place for us to stay and food is pretty cheap if you know where to go. It would be really neat to meet his family and see where TY is from and introduce the fam to the baby. If we vacationed there we would only be able to spend a few days but if we go for a couple of months, we could settle in and have a good visit.

we've always thought about buying a property on east side of malay, near the beach areas, as a 'vacation' home. i've always had a romantic notion about living near thailand and working part time as a nurse (not sure how feasible that would be) hmm maybe this is the opp to do it. before the kid is in school. I bet Morgan would love it too.

i love having new projects to think about and explore. am glad we are not normal and have wheels on our butts

ps i REALLY do not like that redhead on Amazing Race, SOOOOOOO rude to that elderly couple in the herbal shop. shame on her.

don't sell the baby

2009-03-29T16:59:00.002-10:00

i have to start by addressing a frequent email question that i get..why am i not selling on ebay anymore??

i do, but not very often. right around the time i got pregnant is when ebay was going thru their changes and i was introduced to etsy. i know dancers like a bargain but running auctions was very time consuming due to the amount of email maintenance, and shipping labels. a couple of years ago bids were ending high so it was worth it to sell on ebay still. but now after paying the ebay fees it's not worth the cost to do it full time. am doing quite well on etsy and with wholesaling am am happily not forking out a good portion of profits to ebay anymore. so less profit to ebay means listing less items means i don't have to kill myself to make a bunch of sales. don't need the advertising cost of ebay..it's ok as a reminder here and there but not to run more than a few auctions at a time unless it's all oops items.

plus i check the overall scene on ebay every few days and unless i see lots of bids on items, i won't list. the market has been flat. oversaturated with same items, and i won't list items in the garage sale environment unless it's a sale or special promo.

speaking of garage sales, my husband brought home a pot of pink flowers for me the other day, marked down to fifty cents. today he had a garage sale. i saw a woman walking away with my flowers, she had paid two dollars for them. isn't he romantic?

boy, mention you're gonna have a garage sale and the vultures start circulating at the crack of dawn. i thought i was on my game by being up with coffee at 6am but i peeked out the blinds and there were already cars parked ready to raid us at 7.

my husband is much better at doing the sales part, we raised over $550 today. in another blog i'll show you in a few easy steps how to de-clutter your life and move to a tropical island. the key is not packing up all your items and preparing to ship them. the key is to pack as if you are going on vacation and can only bring two suitcases. we'll get into that later. moving is always a great indication of how much we use retail therapy. i can't believe how much crap we have. and we are really careful about what we buy (besides my boobs but that's been a wish since i was 13 and my teen friends had bumps and i DIDNT)

so i did the chatter and socializing and love it, i made sure the baby wasn't sold or anything else that we needed right now. he sold one bed so i guess he's sleeping on the floor. he sold our couch, we're sitting in plastic chairs to watch tv. guess that'll encourage us to not watch tv. or maybe move the tv into the bedroom so we can sit on the one bed that's left. sold my dresser so all my clothes are on the floor. other than zacks bed, my bed (which i'll only sell last minute, sorry), and the high chair and tv, there's nothing in our house. i love it. nothing pisses me off more than clutter. i hate having things on the floor (no dresser) but also like the "i can throw my clothes into a suitcase and be gone in ten minutes" feeling as well.

still gotta pack up the business. been listing odds and ends on etsy. don't expect to see a lot of new stuff in the next two weeks, i'll be finishing up three wholesale orders then packing the dyes to shuffle them to oahu. not too much store merchandise and supplies to move, i'm happy to say. i'm down to three boxes of white stuff..scarves, purses, pillowcases..i'll eventually dye it all and sell it. and down to about four boxes of stuff that either needs dye fixing or i'll just sell it at a deep discount (ebay?) and free up the space. eventually i'll only have a few boxes. i'll probably always own more business stuff than personal stuff and that is fine. someday we may move to that huge house in arizona and put all our crap there permanently. but not yet..summer is almost here. we'll be staying in our 'vacay' condo. still may try to sell it and use funds to pay down the arizona house. but it's kinda nice having a little shithole near waikiki. the most beautiful place on earth.

the sleep within surgery

2009-03-28T19:09:00.004-10:00

this is going to sound weird but when they put you to sleep for surgery , you are in almost a meditative state. i remember the nurse telling me she was going to give me some oxygen and i remember breathing something very pure, then i was asleep

it's pretty amazing the human body can be put to sleep just like that. i don't remember ever having oxygen before , even during childbirth. but i can still sense that pure oxygen feeling in the lungs. it felt good.

after a surgery your body has to relearn to eat and do normal things. it gives you a chance to reset your habits. a few times now i've wanted to give up coffee but it never lasted til the next day. am still stuck on that habit and many others. post surgery and how you have to care for your body gives you a chance to add in new healthy habits. you get a new diet, a new sleep pattern, you are forced to rest, you are forced to watch your body signals.

i wonder what really goes on when we are asleep during surgery. i don't remember any dreams from it.

gotta go find the mojo

2009-03-28T07:50:00.004-10:00

by late last night i had finally quieted my head and convinced self that it's ok to not always be doing something. post surg makes you slow down. its sooooo hard. but at least as of last night, right before bed, i was content to watch over the baby and sit on my ass and watch tv. not job search, not simultaneously fix the website, not plan the next two weeks out.

how many days have we been back from oahu now? have seen the sun again for about 20 minutes. I'm going to walmart today to pick up a halogen light bulb. we're only here a few more weeks but i might lose it without some warmth and light. i know i have that seasonal disorder the one where people want to run off and hang themselves from lack of sun.

am feeling pretty motivational-less. no desire to paint, dye, read, write. put me out of my self induced misery. just kidding. clock is ticking and the boredom is over soon. i've already checked into a 24hr fitness center that is a short bus ride from the condo. they watch the kid while i exercise. i might be there all day. Zack loves the bus. this is a win win. i loved going to the gym back in the day..to be able to go and take my time would be bliss. they dont watch kids in the evenings so i wont be able to take yoga or pilates or pole dancing classes but we can hit the gym in the morning and meet daddy at the beach before noon, then he goes to work.

the gym is my mantra. fitness and waikiki atmosphere saved me before.

go with the flow

2009-03-27T09:26:00.002-10:00

well i feel a bit better as we have established a timeline as to when my butt needs to be in waikiki to open the door for the internet guy..april 24th people. which means i may go sooner and just sit in the dark without a computer but oh yea there's sunlight over there so i'll be too busy for computers

i woke in a bit of shock this morning after a twelve hour slumber..obviously needed it. kudos to husband for watching the baby while i caught up.

spent the last two nights actually stressing about getting a nursing license reinstated that i DONT need, and looking for jobs i DONT need, talking with nurses saying in a nice way, wtf do you want to be a nurse again if you dont have to? Oh i suppose this is all part of a journey, we all have paths presented to us and i'm the curious one who likes to at least step on each one to see whats up ahead.

truthfully i dont want to be committed to a 9 to 5 job right now, and right up ahead is a summer i can spend with the baby and my older son if he decides to come out, the income from akai is plenty. we dont even technically need it unless we get greedy and want to go live in a bigger condo area. which might happen.

i dont understand SELF sometimes always choosing the uphill path and struggling to get things done and spending hours on the phone with IRS, STATE BOARD, etc when all that is needed is to make sure the kid has a healthy snack and i mail out the latest items that sold in the store. how hard is that. and why do i have to make it harder.

seems i like effort and challenge.

should really just kick back and hold on and let things coast for a while and quit busting ass to hurry a state board along that's on their own pace and not worry about jobs i dont need yet

nffoooeeedsll ssdeep ffuuuuu

2009-03-26T08:22:00.002-10:00

took a nap yesterday then was up til 10, was falling asleep at the keyboard looking up places to volunteer , had a bowl of fruit loops and i was up til 130 when TY came rolling in. had to wake at 6 to take over baby patrol, so i'm sleepy, unintelligible, and coffee aint touchin it. day three of post op gets me kinda buggy, i want my normal zip zap energy. had to control the urge to dump the entire website last night and start over. sigh. want to go dye something..sort of.. but getting out of this chair will be a chore. hub managed to cook and leave breakfast in the microwave.

pain aint too bad, more crampy now and it feels like a fight went on in my crotch (and it didnt win) but things could be worse

as you might expect it's raining and expecting to rain more. but i'm smug as i know in a bit over 30 days i'll be back on sunny oahu bitching about traffic and noise.

if you unscramble those letters it may say something vulgar

i'm gonna go try to talk the baby into some quiet time.

post op and unmedicated

2009-03-25T08:07:00.002-10:00

I love Phenergan..i think i love it more than morphine but who's gonna argue. Now..not recreationally, there's too much to deal with afterwards but i tell ya if you have to go in for a cone biopsy LEEP anything related to cervical treatment and they have to knock you out, ask about these two sweeties. I love my anesthesiologist. I especially love the nurses who wrote in big bold red letters on my chart that when i had my wisdom teeth removed a few weeks ago, i was barfing like crazy.

Surgery was a breeze, we had to get to the hospital for check in by 6am. A hot chinese male nurse admitted me, much to my delight. I love getting around nurses again and immediately fly into shop talk. I questioned the hell out of anyone within earshot..do you like your job, do you like working in SDS? What about OR? Would you ever go back to med/surg (NOT). They encouraged me to apply to a PACU or similar once we hit Oahu. Funny I had never considered SDS as a place I'd have been interested in but their job is cake and that's why they were all smiling. Admit patients, assess and do vitals, chart, educate before surgery, hand me warm blankets, receive me after surgery, immediately provide me with coffee, and educate about post op. LOVE it. I'm mentally visualizing myself in one of these positions now. I'd volunteer to get the job. I'd grovel. But..after summer when I've spent the days surfing first hehehe. No need to rush back in .

So I did have a bit of post op woosy..not in the tum tum but my head was spinning and threatening to travel to the stomach for launch. Nurse guy tried to talk me into Meclizine,..he says Phenergan is going to make me sleepy. I remind him I have no plans for the day and have been awake since 4am and hubby has the day off so he grins and gives me a push of Phenergan. Ahhhh instant head woosy relief. Intense feelings of womblike comfort and wanting to go night night. I could fall asleep standing up. Someone could pickpocket me or steal my clothes leaving me stark naked in the hospital and I'd have a meaningful relaxed smile as I drifted off to sleep. Lovely lovely.

Got home and parked it in bed for two hours, got up to eat fruit loops and pee out a lot of iv fluid, went right back to sleep, i woke up multiple times catching myself snoring. Woke up around 4 and kept myself awake so that i could sleep at night, i didnt want the aid of percocet..only took one and it managed the pain fine. woke up around 3 to pee and was up for an hour, took a tylenol and fell back asleep. right now tylenol and a small amount of coffee is handling the pain. i don't feel that bad at all knock on wood. it feels like i was pinched on the inside, but it's deal-able ya know. not like the bring me death feeling of having my teeth broken and yanked from my head. fucking oral surgeon. i told the nurses about my experience and they joked he must be using old school medications since i got so sick from the anesthesia.

oh nurses i miss you guys. i dont miss the bitchy snarky charge nurse who would bully me when i was a first year agency nurse. boy would i fly threw my shift, not eat, not pee, to make sure all the charting was done and i was ready for report. she used to love to find fault with anything i did wrong. boy did i hate her. nurses should not eat their young. but most of the nurses i have experienced and worked with have been peaches and i do miss the professional comraderie. you might be working with me again after i buff up and tan this summer (priorities )

bff

2009-03-23T20:11:00.002-10:00

our good friend's boy along with our boy at the Waipio overlook. do you think in a few years they'll be in trouble together?

what a strange image to have shown up on google when prompted for 'instigator'

2009-03-22T18:00:00.003-10:00

strange choice of image don't you think? :)

i love delete keys and ignore functions. too bad you can't use them face to face

for Mahisha

2009-03-22T11:15:00.002-10:00

if you are reading this, sorry it took so long to get photos..and i know these photos suck but they are to help me remember later

am hoping she liked the brilliance of the pinks and golds..there is a green pineapple in the middle

isolate newbs up for grabs

2009-03-22T11:12:00.002-10:00

quick shots of stuff to be listed

am loving the burgundy/peach combo

another keeper

2009-03-22T11:10:00.002-10:00

This one was intended to be ..well not mine...but am keeping it. At least until i can get better photos of it in action. This one is painted.

this one is a keeper

2009-03-22T11:07:00.002-10:00

I don't know why I took so many pics of one that I am keeping, the colors just gel with me and i love how the pattern turned out. There is a similar much less dramatic one that may find itself to etsy but this one is going next to Macabre for a while

am about ready to un hold my tongue

2009-03-22T11:01:00.004-10:00

there's been three count them three snarky ass comments made to me lately on a forum...you know those "oh come on now" condescending crappy ass messages? the ones where someone is attempting to make you feel small or incompetent? i swallowed on the first one and chalked up to miscommunication or "she didnt mean it like that" , the second one pretended to not see, the third one i'm about ready to unleash the Protector and bite back.

i'm coming over here to vent it first but if further provoked i'm about to chomp. three times now? surely it's not someone's bad day

and i've seen the same behavior directed at others, so i know it's not 'personal' but i don't care if it's personal or not. conduct yourself with suggestions and constructive criticism not talking down to someone like don't you know better. PROfessional dancer pfft

need your temp taken?

2009-03-21T06:40:00.004-10:00

oh i wish for god sake i could just have the yes from state board of nursing. there's no reason to think i won't get it back but waiting drives me nuts. maybe they'll tell me no stupid you haven't been a nurse for 8 years you need to start over.

i've been spending time on nursing forums lately 'remembering' why i left to begin with. LOTS of problems. none to do with the patients. wiping butt isnt fun but it's not what bothered me. i'm hearing of more nursing cuts, forcing nurses who already worked under unsafe conditions to do more. i wonder why ANA or some other org doesnt step in and advocate for the safety of the patients more and REQUIRE that hospitals staff more nurses. they need to figure out a different way to cut costs other than a workforce. and it seems like hospitals aren't suffering from the economy..there's just as many sick people. so why the cuts?

i have initial reports from the acct that yes akai remains to be profitable. but we are still going to sit down after the rush of tax season and discuss whether or not, for financial means, it is more cost effective for me to put in a straight 8 to 12 hours as a nurse, no fuss, taxes taken out, or persist on with the ongoing colorful chaos of business. had you asked me yesterday i would have again opted to go to nursing. it might have been because i was exhausted, ran ass all day dyeing, photographing, listing, packaging. again for the TIME involved in running it, and the expenses that may be brushed under the rug and ignored..i crave simplicity.

nothing is better than unwrapping a dye project and finding something you are proud of. nurturing the creative side is deeply satisfying. but when it's a rush and a 50 to 60 hour job, it's draining.

tho my acct surely has a list, i started my own list of the expenses of business, all the little things like website cost, business insurance, newsletter expense, paypal fees, extra shipping that i almost always cover, the rising cost of silk and supplies. i like the 'independence' but there's not much freedom in it when you HAVE TO work or fall so far behind that you want to dig your own grave.

should i suffer two or three days a week and get steady pay? or scramble every day of the week?

yet another morning i look longingly at a stack of cds i'd love to listen to and dance around but know that business should come first

the universe works in peculiar ways

2009-03-19T08:42:00.003-10:00

I'm within weeks of holding a nurse license again yet as I step closer to that 'back up' plan , akai pulls me back in. I did not decide to go back to nursing because sales are suffering. They are down from last year but not enough to affect us financially..and last years I was still actively running auctions on ebay so even though I'm only mostly on etsy now, the drop in sales has been minimal. I think partly due to the growing demand for the clothing pieces.

Just had two inquiries this past week that should make life very interesting. One order is enough to provide residual income for the entire summer. It's a store in Italy. They like the uniqueness of the items. I suppose that is why I am such a bitch about maintaining originality and politely knocking someone in the head if they are making items that closely resemble my own. Go find your own coconut tree.

Nah the interest in returning to nursing has been purely challenge based. I love managing a company and really love that I know enough about dance to have intelligent helpful conversations with full time dancers about it. But there is an academic challenge to nursing that I crave. And of course the pay is excellent.

We'll be analyzing if it's more cost effective for me to stay home with JR and save the cost of daycare, gas, car expense and wardrobe or work pt as a nurse which is pretty consistent pay but will require daycare a couple days a week. Preschool is coming soon, I want to enjoy what time is left.

The summer appears to be a choice between beachgoing with Zachary and dabbling away at dyeing or putting in some time at the agency. I do think the first one sounds more appealing but we'll see. Maybe i can do both.

my barbie lookalike

2009-03-18T14:27:00.002-10:00

i swear if i was a barbie this is what i'd look like. was looking at long hairstyles for straight hair and ran across this photo..seriously if someone made me into a barbie (which they really should) this would be a damn close representation. our hairstyle and color is almost identical but the bottom half of my hair is more burgundy. but with the layers, and flat ironed straight..yup. she needs some cleavage though. add more barbie silicon please (mine are water)

after a consult with a stylist yesterday she told me i would have to choose between permanently straightening my hair and surfing (since surfing is in salt water and lots of sun). it was a no brainer, i sighed, let my shoulders drop, but knew i could not give up surfing.

she did suggest a rather expensive flat iron. ive bought ones from walmart before but i guess they are inferior to salon products. i paid a lot of change for it but i do have to admit the damn thing works. i can section off pieces of hair and make them flat and slick. a few hours later i do notice a bit of lift to the layers coming back but i can live with that. a shine serum was sold with the iron..something to make the shine apparent or maybe disguise the damage that all that heat is doing to hair. but today, i'm satisfied. i feel like i'm back in diva bitch mode again. thank you Jessica

and there is something to straight hair! today i did not wander around town with my usual full wavy hair. today it was manicured and slick. you can see all the highlights. it rules. i feel hot. the makeup was ok, kinda rushed. the outfit was ok. boots are always good. but i swear the long hair just makes you look like a polished bitch. i even painted my nails.

well shit its 230, i sent out packages today but am now back home and need to put the long locks back up in a ponytail and go sweat and make more veils. but i better make and sell something to pay for that new flat iron.

the return to perfect ass beach

2009-03-17T11:45:00.002-10:00

yes all i needed was a strong dose of sun

we flew into honolulu bright and early sunday morning. oahu had been experiencing a two day downpour. poor babies!! but the sun had returned and the weather was perfection. we had a dim sum breakfast with friends in chinatown and then went over to check on our condo. except for some mild cleaning it's move in ready. it's small, the kitchen is dark, and i'll have to listen to people living above me again but it puts me within a healthy walk of waikiki. and i have missed waikiki. i had no idea how much until we revisited

being in waikiki is sort of like disneyland to a kid, there is perfect weather and excitement. we met up with my buddy Jessica who is now my bff X 2 and paraded around kuhio beach in bikinis. the water was cold to skin that has not formed that thin layer of i'm in the water every day blubber but it didnt take long to get used to it. as usual, and what i love about kuhio beach, is that the water was packed with tourists. on floaties, tubes, boards, just swimming. i dont know why i like the pool party atmosphere so much, certainly if i'm on a surfboard i would not feel the same way. but for swimming it can't be beat. the water was dirty from recent rain but i didnt care and neither did Jessica. she wore her high heels down into the beach sand..ultimate diva. her beach bag is GUESS. i love Jess , she's the perfect high glam surfer chick. we are both obnoxiously loud with laughter when we get together. we both love crowds and waikiki and since she lives about a block away from our condo, i believe we'll be spending a lot of time together. she runs a very successful esthetician business..if you need a facial or a wax, she's your gal

i got burnt. sunburnt. am still a bit sore but i needed a deep long infusion with the sun sooo badly. the entire island was colorful with perfect light, and large rainbows. we don't get too many rainbows on big island because our cloud cover is too thick. didnt surf, not enough time to fit it all in..but the waves were kona junk anyways. saw two friends who had not been down to the beach in months and just happened to pick the same morning i was there to visit. we made promises to 'hold waves' for each other in the coming weeks

honolulu never looked so pretty. all of the high rises and beautiful people. the movie screen on the beach is all ready for the free weekend movies.

had a phone interview with a nursing agency and pending my license, i'll get the job. part time, i call in when i want to. i might take the summer off and just enjoy the flawless surfing and high tourist traffic then work once fall rolls around. i'm envisioning spending a summer at the beach with Zachary, feeding the fish with him and taking him to all the fun places I wanted to show him. he REALLY liked riding the bus. i suppose i can work part time but will only work on the days TY works so that when he's off we can be together.

the priorities will be health and sunshine again..

nothing in gods sweet earth is better than surfing

insomnia

2009-03-14T06:47:00.004-10:00

credit goes to the artist Hess Designs. this about sums it up

the evil twin sister of depression and the celexa side effect is insomnia. i knew going to bed at midnight was going to be a battle, i tried to put it off as long as possible by trying to re-create a resume from years ago and looking over the gobs of nursing jobs available in arizona (and then wondering why arizona nurses are complaining there is a job freeze? whattup guys? where ya lookin? i'm finding plenty..not hospital necessarily but do you want to do that to yourself?

shit you see the run on sentences? i for sure took two celexa yesterday. sleep was more like slowing down the breathing and having eyes half closed. i 'thought' all night instead of dreamt. later it will catch up to me and knock me on my ass and i'll be real bitch. but right now i still feel an uppity feeling that aint too bad. maybe i should go from 20 to 25mg but SLOWLY and not accidentally. i normally do not forget if i took the morning pill or not.

the feeling is sort of like having eight legs that want to run in all different directions. it's kinda fun. you feel very optimistic, almost as if you can do anything (feelings of grandiosity i think we called it in psych class 101) . dude i'd be the BEST psych nurse, i'd understand!

so we had another talk last night and are still yo yo-ing about that house in az. terms have changed again and we'd be tards to not take it. an OPTION we discussed was living in oahu for the duration of summer and selling the condo, then going to arizona in fall. i suppose that would be ok. by then my six month excitement at a new place will have worn off so we can go somewhere new

i comforted my husband and told him if i took that job in home health care as a field rn, i would be raking in 45/per hour. i would teach him some of the administrative side of akai and Marjie at www.fabricdesigns.com could continue to handle the wholesale orders. I'd surely have enough time to work on special pieces, really expensive shit that would be sold in Sedona and Scottsdale. Home health is usually very flexible hours. The last thing i want is a 9 to 5 for either of us. his management position pays pretty good but the store owns him and its hard to take vacations. if he stayed home and was my bitch i could work enough hours to cover us with health care, paint and dye as needed, and we could go find a closer than hawaii beach. i guess. hard to beat south shore in hawaii. but maybe i'm not looking outside the box.

i havent even had coffee yet. world look out.

i accidentally took two celexa today

2009-03-13T21:58:00.003-10:00

boy am i high. accidentally took two antidepressants today. i'm a combo of 'i can do anything' energy and sleepiness. what a weird drug these things are. as many of you know i tried to taper off around xmas, got down to 2mg , etc etc anyways i'm back on 20mg and feeling good..i do think the recent slump and lack of motivation had to do with gray skies (nonstop) and the wisdom tooth removal. i wanted to sell off everything related to silk and just be done with it. have a simple life with a desk top computer not cluttered with photos and web sites to update. just clock in, clock out, receive check, take time off.

i think the sun revived me the other day..a morning of warmth and i felt pretty energetic again. i stopped handing out freebies and thought of better ways to prepare for the upcoming move. today in fact i dyed anything white that was available. it felt very productive. i still learn so much about dyeing but really like that i also know something about it. it's good to feel good about what you do.

after spending part of the day in the outside world i wondered if it was worth it to keep an at home job or to really pursue nursing again. here in hawaii it's just us, we have friends on oahu but if we both had jobs, and the baby was sick, one of us would have to take the time off. neither of us like to call in sick. right now i have the luxury of calling in sick to akai to care for emergencies. that's so nice.

in arizona i suppose we'd have my mom as backup if the baby was sick and we were both working.

Type A wants to go get the job that was forwarded to me today, home health nurse for 45/per hour. I used to do hospice care and a bit of home health so it would not be new. It's med/surg but you drive around in your car, check on patients, document, etc. As far as nursing goes it's a pretty nice job and it's good pay. I worked hospice part time in Colorado and for a short time in Arizona and really enjoyed it. Type A wants to bust some ass and work really hard and pay off that house we 'may' buy in five years or less. And then start saving for a beach retreat in Costa Rica, or maybe Miami.

Type B says to stay home and do creative things, play with the baby, make a little cash here and there.

Type O says to do both which is probably not possible.

I wondered out loud today how long it will take me living back in our tiny condo with people making noise above us before I go nuts again. Even with daily surfing to chill the brain. How soon will i be tired of the kitchen that is the size of a closet or the lack of bathroom storage.

how the hell do you leave Hawaii though?

Nah, other places are fun. Other places have convenient airports with more destinations that are affordable. Other places have a house worthy of living in with family close by. Other places have almost year round sunshine and red rocks and big mountains and endless highways to other exciting destinations. Why live on an island if you can live on a continent?

I suppose I'll never find peace. I apologized profusely to my husband tonight. I just see so many possibilities and it's hard to live just one.

great bhuz link to history of veil dance :)

2009-03-12T20:21:00.001-10:00

READ!! http://www.bhuz.com/forum/belly-dance-traditions-styles/26334-history-origin-veils-belly-dance.html

GUESS WHAT

2009-03-11T06:52:00.003-10:00

the sun is out. i can barely believe it. i forgot what color looks like. still groggy from a three month hibernation under dark gray skies but i feel like someone just lit a match under my ass

ironic that i am driving to kona today which is on the sunny side of the island. oh well. it will probably rain here later today anyways.

if you can't reach me its because i'll be up near mauna loa today and then descending towards the turquoise waters of hapuna side. LOVE!! i'm unstoppable. might also be flying over to oahu this weekend so we can..sit in the sun i guess.

breathes in bag and feels life return

more pets we've had or helped over the years

2009-03-10T15:36:00.005-10:00

some of these pets we were only halfway houses for until they found permanent homes (like the little lady we just rescued)

the soft white and gray cat with the funky eyes was my cat for 15 years..he died in my arms.