the kiss of sleep

i don't think i'm gonna get lucky enough to be blessed with a waking kiss from some hot dude. but i'll take the sleep.

the other day after surgery..i normally come home and sleep for three to four hours, for some reason i made myself wake up and pulled thru, and stayed awake till rather late. dumb but i didnt want to sleep my boys' entire birthday away. so i've been playing catch up the last couple of nights and unfortunately 6 hours a night is not enough.

yesterday was really emotional..withdrawals from pain medications and four hours of sleep the night before. finding out the cancer had all been removed and the lymph node was clear. i think it was the first time i've exhaled in three weeks. and even after that i still went to bed late.

this morning the coffee was fine but by 10 i was ready for a nap, crashed for an hour, solid. woke up still feeling exhausted. relief is exhausting. took z to the park this afternoon and hid in the shadows so i wouldn't scare the birds, he went to bed after seven and i fell in around nine.

each time i wake up i notice an ache lower and lower in the body. it's as if the body is slowly removing the toxins and treatments in regions. my head is still hurting from the facial edema and the worst part is being restricted from activities i love. a small but impatient price to pay for peace of mind. today the ache is in the neck area so tomorrow it will be in the shoulders. it will take maybe a week to move out. i hate having a numb brain that can't think, can't remember, can't study, and can't be creative. i'm like this when i have a flu too, am pissed if i'm not out of bed skydiving by day three.

next week, i hope starts a new cycle. i see the surgeon on tuesday for a check up. he may tell me that i can go back in the water, but i'm still scared of turning my neck too quickly and having my head fall off. the incision is pretty long.

wednesday i am supposed to do my first nurse orientation in 8 years or so..i hope this agency keeps their word and sends me out. i have been so busy juggling akai orders and working around almost daily doctor appointments. i'd love to say that i am cutting back on akai to work as a nurse but i think it will take time to transition. i dont know if i will be happy with agency work and may end up putting effort into finding something more permanent.

there are a couple of boys breathing down my neck anxious to see how the new schedule of me working will be. i told them this first year is like being a student again and i am going to be very committed to learning my new job, and/or holding out for the one i want, and my kids and job will come first with surfing as a close second. anything after that filters into married life. i know that's not nice but i've given a lot of everything to a marriage for three years and raised a baby and not feel like it's time to focus on nursing.

well..woke up but am feeling the slide towards sleep again. i hope the ache moves further south and we get thru this quickly..there's so much life to continue on with