you know that commercial, depression hurts? i was 'diagnosed' with depression about 7 years ago. well even before that but it was called post partum depression and the docs blamed my pregnancy and hormones. after morgan was born they tried me on effexor and prozac. both made me want to run down the street and scream.
so i gave up med treatment and sighed my way into just dealing. i was going thru a rough point in my first marriage. my husband and i were going thru extreme financial hardship. my cat of 15 years died, followed by my beloved Lexi dog being run over by a car, followed by our other newly but adored cat running away, followed by my oldest son falling off a ladder and breaking his arm. i remember spending two weeks in bed with bronchitis, freezing, and crying nonstop.
i dont remember how i learned of this doctor in colorado springs but i really took a liking to him because he listened. he tried me out on celexa and despite a few quirks and symptoms, i felt like a flower that had unfolded to accept sunlight again. i was finally able to take the edge off of so much pain and loss and be able to move forward.
i suppose out of habit and not wanting to go back to dumpville i stayed on it. then had to discontinue off and on if i had medical insurance at the time. i'm omitting some details for privacy, not that i'm a private type person. did you know my boobs are fake too ?
anyways after zack was born i felt in a slump again so the celexa continued. over the past few months, despite no longer surfing due to lack of time (but gladly exchanging it for time with my baby boy) i felt better so started researching what it was going to take to taper off celexa. i tried, the impatient way, of cutting out 10 mg at a time..became violently ill and dizzy so i gave up. fuck it i dont want to feel lousy, just stay on the pill and be kewl. but then i guess you sorta suck it up a bit and gather enough courage to try again. i went in and talked with a doc i have on big island..i like this guy as once again he listens. he says to me, it sounds like you may have anxiety more than you have depression. i tended to agree with him. we agreed i would slowly taper off celexa again and see how things went.
so very slowly i've been going down 5mg per week and feeling quite lousy for it. at first i had a burst of energy. i think celexa has a way of deadening some emotion, so i felt a spark again. in the morning i even started dancing again, something i havent been inspired to do in a while. i wonder if the celexa took away my urge to dance.
on new years i was up late watching sufi video clips and i was re-united, in a sense, with my Sufi teacher, Adnan. it's been many years since we've seen each other and i'm still surprised he remembers me from the thousands he must meet. i felt elated about the new year and i couldnt wait to see him again
a few days ago i went down to 5mg, and then after that i stopped cold. yesterday i cried what must have been the seven year flood. ok it didnt help i was watching Dances with Wolves which has to be one of the most beautiful movies ever made. but i couldnt stop. there was a strange pain in my chest and stomach from crying so hard. it scared me to go into long drawn sobs like that. i knew it must be related to withdrawal.
also there's been a ton of stress over the last few days due to a burst pipe in the building at our other place which resulted in a serious wetting of the floor (not a flood by any means, i saw pics) ..the situation itself i handled fine and i was on top of it from the first moment, calling all the right people, politely bugging and reminding, etc. there were a few key players, tho , that really juiced the stressors and i believe it may have set me off. today the stressors continue and i feel short of breath and not at all like my usual bouncy self. if it continues i'll go to urgent care tomorrow. i know it must be a combination of the stress of the situation but it feels similar to a panic attack i had way back when i was 18. i remember laying on the floor scared because i felt like i couldnt breathe.
so tomorrow is a new day and i'm not off the shit yet. i shouldnt call it shit, it has helped but now my entire body and brain is rebooting.
i wonder if i've been holding in a good long cry for seven years?
so now you are wondering why this is tagged as projected loss of income. i blame the stress that has been going on since new years to a projected loss of income. since i am the producer of these crafts that i sell and i am unable to work efficiently during times of stress, whether it's to create items or just simply deal with emails and shipping, it is a BIG loss for the business. every day that goes by that the production and maintenance is on hold, the business loses money. and loss of money aint good when you have a baby, a kid with heart problems and you need both incomes.
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