learning to ride again

today the full moon (almost) energy made me buggy as all hell..late in the day i decided it was best to ditch the boys and go to the beach on my own. no sitting out in the sand under a blazing sun picking sand out of my ass waiting for them to tote along their water and toys and towels..i had a date on my own with the water

our scheduled swell produced no waves, in fact this morning showed nothing but a lake with bare rock on standout reef. i knew going down there this evening may be a disappointment. the water was choppy from the wind and there were only a few ripples. nothing resembling the normal waves i give thumbs up for.

i drove past the beach before parking to get a quick surf report. i knew i could go boogey board, at least get wet, have a decent exercise routine, have fun, and catch a few small ripples. safety. or i could walk the length of the beach, pay money to rent a huge tanker surfboard, and struggle to find the balance that had long ago been so easy for my body. when you surf you don't always have fun. when you surf sometimes you go thru a lot of pain for no reward. boogey boarding is a day event. surfing is a lifetime committment. surfing is a risk.

i chose surfing with no regret and no looking back. got the locals discount for a huge 12 ft tanker. i couldnt even wrap my arm around it , and had to drag it by its nose to the water. in the past i'd be carrying my 8'6 Fat Boy and plopping him down in the water, and gliding on in one fluid motion. My body doesnt remember how to do that and i mighta popped an implant had i attempted it today. the board was so long i could barely control it and turn it. it was like navigating a canoe.

but somehow i got on..no arm strength any more to hoist myself on. had to struggle on like a tourist. paddling wasnt too bad, had to stop often and whimper in pain but i made it out to the beginners line up, chose who looked like they had more control of their board than me, and waited

was pleasantly surprised to find that i could easily catch the waves..not much of a feat since i was on a 12 ft aircraft. as many times before i get caught up in the motion of the board and stand up slowly instead of doing a quick pop up. must build arm strength again..will take about six weeks and unfortunately i dont have the full time ability to commit right now. my feet made contact with the board a few times just for me to dive off the side or land on my ass. water got pushed up into any orifice. damn it burns the eyes and nose when it goes in hard. falling off a board is so much more violent than falling off a boogey board but it makes a man outta ya.

i did 'ride' a few waves, not very steady but enough to satisfy my inner challenge goddess. or lack of. no shame in blowing your nose in the water and looking like utter shit to others. not diplaying the best body angles and feeling awkward, un-athletic and then having to admit yes i've surfed before but its been two years since i took it serious so yea i SUCK. yea i used to charge bigger curvy waves and fight for them and now i struggle with tiny ripples on a huge steady 12 ft board. up yours whats your point . hehehehe

but i remember back to when i bought my first board, Fast Betty. green and white with a large Steinlager beer label on her torso. it was not an easy board to paddle or ride on but i was recovering from a horribly devastating break up, and instead of drowning in sorrow, i bought a board and paddled myself out to the line up, started asking questions, and fell in love with surfing. the pain of trying to achieve was far better than the pain of heartbreak. oh and that heartbreak was bad..if you are reading this you fucker you know you hurt me bad. but i forgive. you gave me surfing. i needed it to survive. i was sinking like a weight and Fast Betty kept me floating.

beginners luck, picked it up rather fast. didnt know enough to be scared of anything. didnt know you could be knocked out by someone else's (or your own) board. good friend of mine lost a chip out of his tooth from having his own board come down on his face. bad place to put your face, don't you think? in the way of a big board. he named his board dick cuz he said he always wanted a big dick.

now i know the fear and potential. now i know how quickly you can run out of air as your board drags you under. i know how fast a hand can struggle to find a velcro leash around the ankle to release you from the dragging beast. surfboards can keep you adrift or drag you under.

i have feared waves and surfboards for some time now. on August 1st a couple years ago, in rain and wind, it was the anniversary of my dads death so to escape that pain again, i went out in the water. i was held under the wave for a long time, was gasping and terrified by the time i got back to the surface. instead of getting back on the waves, i kept falling off and tumbling more. i was falling and spiraling. i could never get over that day, and that fear..since that time i'm a big ole chicken shit surfer.

but hopefully today was a reset, when you go back to the very beginning of something and remember so well what you loved about it and experience every moment of newness again, when your muscles are awakened to their purpose, when your primitive self seethes the wave under a waxing almost full moon, you know the cycle has completed itself. you know you have served your sentence, you are healed from the breakup, you trust in love again, you get back on the board, and you ride the wave fearless.