the Tao by Jes

have you ever woken from a bad dream and feel like you've been on a really long ride? which station did you decide to get off? was it a tornado that swept thru and knocked me unconscious ? or was it just a bad dream?

i have, today, june 17, finally completed a four year long cycle of roller coaster bullshit. and i feel resolved on the issue. battered, bruised, STOLEN, played with, but fear not..my surfboard saved me before and it will save me again. nothing like water zen to float away all the lingering turds

what i've learned from the process:

hawaii is my 'now' home..it may not be home forever but it is one of the places right now i most wish to be. arizona is second only because i love sedona so much. in arizona i feel the strength my dads and brothers taught me. (mom always encouraged me)

the bay area holds in a grayness that never goes away. summers should be sunny and full of bursting light and color every day. but a house becomes like a jail and the cute mini blinds start to look like bars, while the outside world lives and breathes that cold bay fog. and the bay aint no ocean.

people who live to make money are missing out on some really simple pleasures. i remember living on the mainland and feeling a constant pressure to be type A, gpa A, militant disciplined A, no free time to breathe A. sure, we need good grades and behaviors to get what we want. but if the entire process of getting that A requires you to live in a grave, how many years of your life are you missing? it's not all money and Ivy league.

i have a friend who status means everything to. i urge that person to stop living to earn the recognition and approval of others and live to be happy. friend makes a really big paycheck but friend is missing the boat. friend will continue to lose friends .

not everything has to be expensive to impress someone else (if that is what you are after).

it's tough for someone on the mainland to grasp something like surfing..us surfers know it's like trying to explain a different language. until you are standing on a real beach and watching the waves, it's tough to imagine. and even then it's tough to imagine things like the feel of the board under your bones or the spray of water as it hits your face as a wave crashes in front of you, and you watch your REAL FRIENDS ride by. surfing is a time out. it's a quiet zone that is exhilarating and full of breath and rainbows from every direction. your problems are gone. you are , really, as insignificant, but as part of the WHOLE , as every piece of coral and every fish you are swimming with. makes your problems seem rather small.

i need to walk..daily. walking the cracked busy sidewalks of hayward california is not exercise, it's punishment. a walk should be near something beautiful. a walk should leave you feeling invigorated..not feeling like dodging bullets

the song Halo is perhaps the most beautiful song i have heard and i dedicate it to my husband. i'm sorry for running off. thank you for letting me go. i'm coming home. (but still like to run off :)

my husband never put me in a cage, never told me how i had to do something, never told me i couldnt visit friends or go out. he loves my dance. he loves my blog and outspoken ways. he never silences me or expects me to act like a lady. he would let me go to europe in a heartbeat, even if it meant he had to stay behind. he may not kiss me as much as i would like but he has 10,000 other good things about him. i'm sorry my eyes have been closed to it.

coffee is just as good when it's made with instant as when it's made from a fancy machine.

organic food did not prevent me from getting sick.

sleep is golden.

i'm fine spending a night a week watching some senseless tv program. not all nights should be spent studying. i made it thru nursing school as a single mom, working part time, and taking one night a week to dance with friends. all work and no play makes jes a dull lifeless corpse. no dance makes her die inside.

sure we can plan for tomorrow but if you are so busy worrying about all your future plans, you are not living today. a disease can wipe out earth tomorrow..would you want your last day here to be spent counting your money or laying on a beach in the sunshine watching your kids play?

i love akai silks. i want to go on to grad school but it won't happen overnight. i refuse to give up on things TODAY to make a path for four years from now. what a waste. i will have to cut a path thru the jungle to grad school. no sense on giving up all pleasures now for something that is four years away. one day at a time. one degree at a time. for Gods sake lets just wait until the nursing license from hawaii is in hand before mapping out a four year course. (two weeks..two weeks..two weeks)

i'll raise my kids to achieve their potential but above all else, seek and enjoy daily sunshine and happiness. for without those two things a degree and good paying job don't mean shit.

i've been living under a black and white world for a few weeks..but today i opened the door and before me stands a world in blazing color again.

i'm free

oh...and vortexes may not really exist in the way people think they do..it might have been all the coffee!