experimenting just to see if this is still live

I'm on wordpress now at www.akaisilks.wordpress.com but returned here to see if it's still live..

how long to touch

the water again..

my dreams have been full of water and dolphins lately..my soul misses hawaii.

I'm not sure how long I've been here..over a month, probably about 5 weeks? not sure..a considerable amount of progress has been made i suppose but time drags when you exist to exist instead of meet each day with a full heart. the desert has been a delight but the cold weather is coming and the autumn weather will be gone. i'm pale and have forgotten about what it feels like to have humidity in the air.

the state board is really taking their time issueing my license. it's tough to run akai with any sort of fervor when a clinical that could start asap looms near. i don't want to be too immersed in silk to have to turn around and slow things to complete the clinical..there is more than enough work on the table right now to hold me over for the four weeks that clinical will take. then i am free to wait for a job here in arizona or apply back in hawaii. i may do both at the same time and see who hires me first. if mayo hires me on i'll do a year there..somehow.

such a strange twist to come back to the desert i hated years ago to complete a clinical in hospital type nursing when all along i love hawaii the most and so far, based on limited experience, do not want to work in hospitals

there is a darkness in this house that won't go away..i'm out in the sun enough during the day but this house sits so that it's always in shade. i can't stand it. and i know summer it's too hot to be outside. i can't live indoors. wow i miss hawaii so much.

waiting another phase of the moon..perhaps by this time in 28 days i'll have made it part way thru clinical

is it just a mirage?

This afternoon the little red car sped me thru the mountainous terrain of Scottsdale, I've never been too familiar with the area other than clubbing in the townie parts in my 20's, as I get to know the desert landmarks up there I am liking it more and more.

I knew it was going to be the Mayo clinic from a distance. A tall square like building in the middle of a clearing, situated on a large, well landscaped desert lot with its own ecosystem. MAYO CLINIC in what looks like silver lettering on the top of the entrance. It was pretty spectacular.

I tend to have a fairy tale image of medicine still..I believe in good doctors and nurses who really can save people. I believe in miracle treatments, and of patients who comply with treatments and see results. I believe in preventative care where patients take the initiative in caring for their bodies before trouble starts, instead of heading towards failure then blaming a diagnosis.

It was something I did not let on much about but my last clinical day in Hawaii was a really good one in a way, but a not so good one for the 'health' of nursing homes. I had had enough of a charge nurse at the facility berating every nurse on the floor. After shift report I made sure the nurses getting report overhear me say to stop talking to me like that and show me how to do something instead of demanding I do something that I did not understand (paperwork) then bitching when it wasn't done properly. I had asked her a few times to show me the paperwork and each time she turned away. She's bitter..I understand..she's spent her career in nursing homes. That takes serious courage and stamina. Working in nursing homes, well I will step on that rock a different day. That's worth pages and pages of blogs in itself. Anyways, she didn't care for the fact that a new agency nurse was not scared to face her and speak up. Instead of listening to the problem and how communication could be improved, working conditions improved, nursing work strengthened, she chose to walk off. I felt relieved with myself , for after a 9 year absence, of not allowing myself to be talked down to. Self respect was a defining moment. On the downside, that nursing home will continue to deteriorate under crappy management and ill support for their staff.

I don't know exactly why Mayo offers a fresh start. I didn't really set out to be a hospital nurse but if I had to choose a hospital to work in, this would be one to consider. Computerized charting, pyxis systems that made sense, a slow quiet pace on the floor, no overhead speakers, all white uniforms (sure makes a place look organized), a friendly, helpful staff. Let's not mention the cutting edge research. Let's not forget the transplants.

I first saw the MAYO building and felt a pride and a future of excitement that I have never ever experienced before as a facility nurse. Sure, it could end up being just another hospital with its problems. But I think this place is something special, and I can't wait to get hired on. I'd love for this to be the place where I do my time.

manifestation

some people may not realize it but you can manifest a lot for your life if you meditate and spin. if you think about the spin ...the negative energy is discharging from the outer orbit at the same time you are attracting positive energy into your inner orbit. one hand is palm up receiving, the other palm is facing down to balance and dispel. the spin creates a gravitational vortex that brings about what you wish for or what you need for healing. spinning with white candles, or white veils, allows for an open blank slate to paint your picture.

what are you going to draw into your life?

select photos from Sedona Oct 2009

 
 
 
 

tiered skirt

one photo of many, tiered style gypsy skirt ..can be dyed ombre or mixed style as shown

taken at Boynton Canyon, Sedona Oct 2009 copyright A'Kai Silks

sedona gypsy magic

gawd i love being back in arizona. after a few days in phoenix doing must do's we trekked to sedona. i couldn't wait any longer. of course i went straight to boynton canyon after a quick appetizing drive thru oak creek canyon to glimpse the changing trees.
Boynton has a fast electric zapping energy. Just driving down the road towards the canyon I get jumpy and hyper. I actually sat up at the rock center today and started giggling uncontrollably. James felt silly too. We have pictures to prove it. I have to find the camera adapter first to load it to computer.

I was hit by so many new ideas and I hope I was able to write them all down on the itouch for future use. i would close my eyes and see colors and garments. everything i've ever loved about cool clothing has come back since i've been on the mainland. i love living in hawaii but style and new ideas can get a bit stale. i need the pulse of the arizona land to remind me .

many new pictures to share. and i'll need to dump the old website since it will be easier to build a new one. it's fun to build.

picked up some juniper ghost beads since i've been having bad dreams since i got to arizona. hope it's just nerves settling. it's tough to accept i'm back here despite it being voluntary and perhaps temporary.

Mayo clinic informed me that I have been accepted for a clinical rotation starting soon. I am shocked that I didn't have to interview for it..I'll be rotating on med surg oncology and hope to land a job there when i'm done. google mayo it's pretty big. i feel very privileged to be able to do a clinical there.

the magic truck arrived and dumped a lot of project in front of me. nursing clinical, new ideas, new website. i hope i can make some progress on the new item ideas before i lose motivation but nursing is going to take 100% for at least one month.

a ten year cycle

ten years ago i could not wait to leave phoenix, arizona..i was finishing up my nursing school and was counting the days until i could leave that hot dry hell hole. ten years later, after living in hawaii for four years, i am ready to go back and spend some time getting rock solid experience in nursing again. funny how life cycles us back to the same rock we came from

i don't know when i'll be back on the island. am looking forward to daily winter sunshine and tall dry mesas again. am looking forward to driving fast on open highways and watching dust storms approach from the estrellas. am looking forward to my tenants leaving should i be there in april, as a gorgeous four bedroom house awaits that's mine all mine.


sometimes life on the island wraps you up and you forget what your other dreams are. you spend your time collecting shells and fishing to get by to remain on the island and then there comes an opportunity to sit on a solid rock again and build a foundation. and maybe find a new island for summer break.

there's been a recent breakdown of everything lately. what appears to be an earthquake is just shifting the bad bricks out ..and determining if the land is worth building on again. arizona is that land right now, it's forever, it's eternal. it's home. i'll miss hawaii but it's nearing winter in hawaii right now and the summer blazing energy is gone. the tourists have gone home and i'm sad to see them go. it's time to park it near a cactus with a notebook and reorganize. laptop on hand..

falling stars

day two, the patient census was the same, luckily there were no new admits or labs or xrays but the patients i did have were a handful. i plunged right in to the med pass and prayed nothing else would happen until i could get a good portion of it done. it seems it would make more sense to me, if there is a 7am med pass, to start report at 530 so we could be on the floor with the keys by 0600. but not much makes sense about facility organization.

those who are arguing over health care reform..press the reset button and please first start with the organization of facilities. the whole thing needs to be flushed and re-done. it's a mess. i don't even know where to start.

the bully nurse was there, once again schooling the night nurse on everything she didn't do, instead of thanking her for what she did do. i've developed a quick relationship with the night nurse and told her that she was doing a great job, that no single nurse can handle all those tasks alone. i must have had a very set expression on my face yesterday as the bully nurse left me alone. she must have realized that i am a damn good nurse and even after a long absence i busted ass and took names. she told me that she would handle the front desk and doc orders and i would run the floor..which i agreed to quickly. then i found her outside playing guitar. AND she left before shift report. i'm stunned. the agency nurse..that's me..was the one who stayed longest.

yesterday one of our patients was starting to ..fall.. we refer to hospice patients as falling stars. as you know i've done hospice work before and felt very fulfilled by it.

this lady , we'll call her Eve, was starting to have the shallow rapid breathing, body rigidity, slight fever, and was not responding to verbal anymore. i saw the hospice nurse assigned to Eve make a quick visit but she was outta there before i had a chance to ask anything. the family started arriving, all of them, so i ended up spending a lot of time with them and assuming the hospice nurse role. they needed answers to questions about the death process. they wanted comfort knowing Eve was not in pain. of course they asked me when she would pass and we can't answer that. one of the grand daughters asked me if Eve could hear her if she knelt by the bed and talked to her..i said yes, she can, so she spent some time talking to Grandma. There was a strong family dynamic, it was obvious one of the sons was the leader of the family and his distance and face rigidity made the other family members tense.

This facility does not necessarily do daily charting on a patient. I pulled the chart to see nothing had been written since the 27th. Her bp had been high and she had been agitated following a fall (no injury). I reviewed her history so I could better answer their questions and get a better picture of what was happening. The nurse who had visited that day had not left any charting or note but maybe it's faxed over later? I don't know. All I could see was nurse assistant reports with vital signs and the general 'no change' status.

I could feel with this nursing intuition I've been blessed with that this family just needed a nurse to be there with them to answer questions.

At one point I was standing next to Eve, the one son who was the family leader, unbreakable, showing no emotion, was standing on the other side of the bed. I touched Eve's hand with my own, then reached out and took his hand. He jerked away. I looked up at him and took his hand firmly but gently, then used my hand to place his hand on Eve. His shoulders dropped and he started crying. I could see relief ..there was a gasp in the room. I was later told that no one in the family had ever seen this man cry. He looked up at me and gave me a single nod.

There was a quietness in the room and there was also a glow as if tiny candles were set around the room. I'm not sure how to describe it..death has an anticipation somewhat similar to the arrival or birth of a baby, of course the energy is different but there is an anticipation in the room. Eveyone was very peaceful.

My prayers to Eve and her family.

day one

was as expected..the night nurse was so far behind we didn't get report for thirty minutes which left me already behind a stiff heavy med pass on my first day. i felt bad for her since she was getting her ass chewed up one side and down the error by one of the old school nurses who felt it was her only concern to nitpick. i guess that old school nurse has forgotten what it's like to be a floor nurse and prefers to hide behind a desk with paperwork. she's forgotten the troubles of being on the front line. that's fine i'd much rather be on the front line. but hey lady if your ass is going to be sitting behind a desk all day don't give me the cell phone to answer while i'm holding morphine sulfate in my hand.

i'm pleased to know that at 38 years old i've really grown into myself, i do not really know any more about nursing that i did when i was 28, but the life experience has provided a confidence that simply won't take shit from others. if the old school nurse could ask a question without adding "you haven't bothered to do this yet have you" the day would run smoother. nurses need to work as a team, we are already up against nearly insurmountable conditions.

but i did it and i did not go home feeling deflated or emotionally abused. i feel ready to meet her head on again today.

they stuck me on the crappy hallway, i knew they would. census 19 of some pretty involved cases. three labs, one xray, doc order changes, a new admit. wound care, jevity feeding x 2, an incident report and i caught a pretty hairy med error that was incorrectly transcribed and has been going on for two weeks. hey old school nurse with your ass sitting how did you not catch that since you are so by the book?

back again today. glad i work two days a week. met with two hospice nurses who practically guaranteed me jobs on the spot. i'm torn between trying to get in to labor and delivery and going to hospice. hospice thrives on team work and you leave the day feeling like you really made a difference.

general nurse blog disclaimer

Yesterday was a five hour orientation back into a life I left behind 9 years ago for too many reasons to count. I do not know what lies ahead and can't pre-judge my reactions but it's sort of like being previously married and then entering into a new marriage with more info and experience about what to expect..knowing that nursing is not a fairy tale where you put bandaids on people and heal them and they smile and everyone is saved. I have 9 years more life experience , am more confident in myself as a person, am more assertive dealing with crappy attitude people, and found that I truly do love working with the elderly.

My disclaimer is that I will be sharing a lot of stories about working as and being a nurse. It is my priestesshood, something I took an oath for (and had to take time off from). I will use names but not the real name of the person involved. Blogs are for information and entertainment purposes. We see so many fragile and uplifting human conditions..what better way to learn about the human race than to understand them inside out.

I do not assume that I am on expert on anything. crap, I've been out for nine years and a lot has changed , but bedside care and an intent to heal people and to try to get a smile from them when they are in a not so good condition, is still my purpose. I do not treat conditions I treat people.

Nine years later it does not surprise me how many times I see other medical professionals treating patients as the job, and forgetting to say hi to them with a smile or asking about their family. Nursing homes are tough places to work, we see the same faces and sometimes get a new admit. But in that way, you end up developing relationships with people. You are going to know that Edith won't take her meds first time around but soon she'll forget about it and 20 minutes later take them without an issue. You will know Yumi will yammer at you until she gets coffee. You will know that 70 pound Irene will set off her alert constantly by trying to get out of her wheelchair but if you park her near your cart and talk to her quietly, she'll stay put and then by breakfast time you will find her asleep on her eggs and toast.

yesterday my confidence skyrocketed. I guess the crowded mind tries to figure out what was left behind and how much is really remembered. I have never worked as an RN in a hospital setting, I worked as an LPN in school in long term care, skilled nursing, assisted living and hospice. After graduation I charmed the recruiter at a hospice into training me as a hospice nurse. LOVED the job. May end up back there. But I did a lot of agency work and loved the freedom.

So yesterday was ease, the brain sparked alive by seeing charts and things i thought i may have forgotten. I'm still a bit rusty and won't be rushing off to start any iv's on a dehydrated or agitated patient. But I was able to competently discuss conditions with family members (teaching is my fave part of nursing next to getting a smile from the grouchy ones) , the cart was familiar in its stacked chaos of meds , I knew a treatment cart charting, I knew where to place doc orders. I could probably even shuffle slowly thru a new admit. Many nurses hate admits due to the paperwork..I love them. I love gathering information and although I am a nurse, my brain works to figure out diagnoses too. I think like a doctor and care like a nurse.

Nine years ago I went on hiatus from nursing, I was BURNT OUT after six months of being an RN. I had already worked for a few years as a CNA and LPN. I was disillusioned by the perfect world of healing and tasking that I thought nursing would be and was horrified by what goes on behind closed doors. I vowed to always be a patient advocate, screw the facility. My loyalty is and always will be with my patients.

In that time away I started a business, helped raise one son, and had another one. The baby is two and I knew it would be good timing to go back. My surgery was a week ago, to the astonished look of others I am back at work 8 days later (what's the biggie, guys?) I have been remarried, bought a house in Arizona, and found my place of heaven on earth at south shore in Waikiki. Yesterday the mini planets aligned and there was an audible click as I entered the nursing home, nine years late, and felt right at home.

Met with the usual disapproving look of nurses who work at the facility full time. Ohhh agency nurse. But I did not cower and act 'nice' ..I latched on to another agency nurse and she showed me the ropes. I felt ready to be on my own in two hours.

I love akai silks and will keep things running and balance it with my boys, with surf, and with the nurse job. but it's a wonderful feeling to walk in, clock in, clock out and know I just earned a nice chunk of change. Something that required school that was long, grueling, full of social sacrifice. I did not keep my license active but by the grace of Hawaii it was easy to get it back. I took a refresher course on my own (could have used the time better to just study from textbook) .

It is a wonderful, secure feeling to know the time I put in to the job today will result in steady pay. I can, by myself, go out and rent a penthouse unit overlooking the beach. Akai is good money, at full speed that sweetheart was a cash calf, and I put blood and sweat into it, and won't let it drift away, but the needs of the business have turned into wants and that allows a greater experimentation..and taking time off from it to renew. Akai is not always steady pay, you save for rainy days. Nursing is steady enough I would consider signing a mortgage in Hawaii if i found the right place.

With my first nurse check I'm treating my boys to new clothes and shoes and maybe some itunes for the teen.

I gotta go make a poo poo. Then answer akai emails. Then go surf :) Life is good.

veils again what else

just an excerpt from a passing thought posted elsewhere, it keeps the world in balance for me. there's nursing and financial means and there's akai

My work and dance with veils was heavily influenced by Loie Fuller, Eva Cernik, and Adnan Sarhan. I believe in the veil as a meditative dance partner and an extension of the human energy (an aura field) ..not just an accessory. Veil dance has been hugely influential on life, I love to make silk veils for dancers of all types but also make some for practioners of healing work and therapy. I donated veils to a nursing home once, and they used the veils with a group of people who were still ambulatory and you should have seen them light up. I have always believed that Adnan Sarhan, one of my mentors, has instructed me not only to dye and color the veils but to move into instruction and teaching with them. Production has taken up 75% of work time over the past 8 years and if I can afford to cut back now , to travel and teach using some of the bellydance teaching and also Adnan's teaching, I would love to do so.

Thank you, Dina, and others, for reminding me why I do this. It's not about the next color pattern or how many wholesale accounts or being the fastest distributor. This 'business' has been so much a heart and soul project since the very first veil.

the kiss of sleep

i don't think i'm gonna get lucky enough to be blessed with a waking kiss from some hot dude. but i'll take the sleep.

the other day after surgery..i normally come home and sleep for three to four hours, for some reason i made myself wake up and pulled thru, and stayed awake till rather late. dumb but i didnt want to sleep my boys' entire birthday away. so i've been playing catch up the last couple of nights and unfortunately 6 hours a night is not enough.

yesterday was really emotional..withdrawals from pain medications and four hours of sleep the night before. finding out the cancer had all been removed and the lymph node was clear. i think it was the first time i've exhaled in three weeks. and even after that i still went to bed late.

this morning the coffee was fine but by 10 i was ready for a nap, crashed for an hour, solid. woke up still feeling exhausted. relief is exhausting. took z to the park this afternoon and hid in the shadows so i wouldn't scare the birds, he went to bed after seven and i fell in around nine.

each time i wake up i notice an ache lower and lower in the body. it's as if the body is slowly removing the toxins and treatments in regions. my head is still hurting from the facial edema and the worst part is being restricted from activities i love. a small but impatient price to pay for peace of mind. today the ache is in the neck area so tomorrow it will be in the shoulders. it will take maybe a week to move out. i hate having a numb brain that can't think, can't remember, can't study, and can't be creative. i'm like this when i have a flu too, am pissed if i'm not out of bed skydiving by day three.

next week, i hope starts a new cycle. i see the surgeon on tuesday for a check up. he may tell me that i can go back in the water, but i'm still scared of turning my neck too quickly and having my head fall off. the incision is pretty long.

wednesday i am supposed to do my first nurse orientation in 8 years or so..i hope this agency keeps their word and sends me out. i have been so busy juggling akai orders and working around almost daily doctor appointments. i'd love to say that i am cutting back on akai to work as a nurse but i think it will take time to transition. i dont know if i will be happy with agency work and may end up putting effort into finding something more permanent.

there are a couple of boys breathing down my neck anxious to see how the new schedule of me working will be. i told them this first year is like being a student again and i am going to be very committed to learning my new job, and/or holding out for the one i want, and my kids and job will come first with surfing as a close second. anything after that filters into married life. i know that's not nice but i've given a lot of everything to a marriage for three years and raised a baby and not feel like it's time to focus on nursing.

well..woke up but am feeling the slide towards sleep again. i hope the ache moves further south and we get thru this quickly..there's so much life to continue on with

survival of the fittest

yesterday was my fourth surgery of the year. i'm getting really good at this.

a few weeks ago i was diagnosed with melanoma (or skin cancer). a couple of years ago i had noticed a light brown freckle that was a bit bigger and irregular shaped over my right eyebrow area. it looked like just a freckle so i didn't have it checked out. didn't have insurance at the time.

finally went in and they did a biopsy and confirmed melanoma. have spent the last couple weeks going thru a series of tests, a PET, CT, lymphocytograph, chest xray, blood draw.

it was determined by my surgeon to remove any remaining cancerous cells and also remove the sentinel lymph node in my neck.

i'm still sedated and feeling drowsy but my appetite is excellent and i'm looking forward to getting thru a restful day and enjoying sleep again tonight. the surgery was a breeze..i remember vaguely falling asleep then waking up and the first thing i asked the nurse is if my shoulder still worked (there is risk of nerve injury which would have made it difficult to surf). James drove me home , we had a good dinner , walked around waikiki a bit and then retired to my living room to rest.

There is a long row of stitches under my right jawline. he did a great job sewing me up though, nice and straight. The incision on my forehead is a little less fortunate..forehead is swollen and i have a black eye on the top. Because the stitches pulled skin around, my eyebrow is noticeably lifted..doc says it will come back down as the stitches are removed and the skin relaxes. he also promised to fix it if it doesnt settle back in properly. i dont want to run around looking surprised all the time. i may end up getting a free brow lift to the other side . gotta love when plastic surgery is deemed medically necessary. he can take a few eye wrinkles out while he's there.

anyways, i'm going to keep bugging people to check their skin and stay on top of things. melanoma is fast growing and deadly. early detection saves lives, nevi, or moles, are very common but it's a good idea to be checked out by a dermatologist so any potential problem can be caught.

am going back to sleep

more skin talk

I had laser lipo performed on my lower abdomen yesterday. I'm going to share the experience with you and if you have any questions, feel free to contact me. All information we share is confidential.

First of all I am still pretty sedated so my thinking is not clear yet.

Secondly I have no interest in discussing the rights and wrongs of doing lipo or any other cosmetic surgery procedure. I believe we are all free to make our own choices and this was my decision. If you don't like it or believe it is ok to do it, then don't read about the experience, that is fine. We are all entitled to our experiences and opinions.

Third, I do not write this to condone or encourage others to have any form of plastic surgery done. Go back and read that sentence a few times.

It's also worth mentioning I am on narcotics now for pain and they tend to make me pretty bitchy. So those who want to debate the rights and wrongs, save your comments till my head is clear.

I had that typical post partum pocket of flesh in my lower abdomen. I walk daily and my diet is blueberries, raspberries and bananas with yogurt twice a day (with granola and seeds) and a protein lunch. I also surf or go out and paddle or swim at least four times a week. The pudge wouldn't budge. Both my OB doctor who is not trying to sell me plastic surgery procedures and two surgeons told me the pudge won't likely budge due to my age of 38 and because the muscles in my stomach have separated during pregnancy.

I have been researching lipo and mini tummy tucks for 2 years now. A doctor in Hawaii performs laser lipo. You can read up on it on multiple sites. The recovery and results are typically much faster than those achieved with traditional lipo. I did not want to be in bed for a week so I was willing to pay the extra cost for a fast recovery.

After a consult and assessment it was determined that only my lower ab needed help, which was fine with my bank account. I paid cash up front as I refuse to pay interest on anything these days. The cost of everything including consult, surgical room, drugs, garment, and post op care was about $4100.

Here is what happened:

Pre-surgery pictures are taken of the area to be lipo'ed. The nurse gave me an ambien and valium and then a shot of Demerol and Phenergan in the ass. I was completely relaxed but awake. The doctor came in to see if I had any questions and he did some markings on my lower tummy.

I wore a paper gown that was open in the front. They took me to another room that had what looked like a dentist chair but completely flat..draped with clean paper and cloths. The surgical techs asked me what music I liked and turned on an ipod, then started stuffing pillows under my feet and making me comfortable. I believe only my abdomen was exposed. The tech swabbed my stomach with a sterile solution, probably betadine. I was completely in the chill zone, felt relaxed and at ease. No fear..in fact just excitement.

The tech put up a tent shield so I could not see what was going on..I asked to watch but she said no. The doctor came in and started giving me small shots around the abdominal area. He touched me in various places and I could not feel a thing. He confirmed for me that redheads usually require more sedation. I think that is pretty funny.

He made a small incision in my belly button and I could feel pressure on the abdominal area..occasionally a pinch but nothing unbearable. I was pleased with how relaxed I was..it was almost pleasurable in a massage kind of way..the music and warm blanket and gentle pressure. I asked him if he could keep that thingie hooked up to me permanently so I could eat ice cream. No such thing as portable lipo machines darn it.

I lost track of time but it seemed like from the time I was in the chair until I was getting dressed was about an hour. I felt sedated but could still talk, the tech took me downstairs in a wheelchair as a precaution.

I was nodding off in the car on the way home (no I wasn't driving). We stopped off and I devoured half a burrito, no problems at all. My stomach was still numb and I felt pretty good. When we got home I still had balance problems and I went to sleep for two hours. Woke up and knew I could go right back to sleep but got up since it was advised that I should walk.

Met my friend in Waikiki and helped him eat half a small pizza. My tummy was totally numb. I have a compression garment on that is slightly uncomfortable but not a biggie. I had some mild abdominal pain, no worse than cramps. I was able to walk ..in fact we went to the beach and hung out till almost midnight.

When I got home I wanted to see my stomach. The bump or the cliff overhang is gone. It is swollen and looks like I'm a couple weeks post partum..the skin is very swollen and there is bruising. But it's flat. I'm not allowed to shower till later today so I checked my incision site which is nothing more than a small stitch inside my belly button. Slept with the garment on..took another percocet and the pain is totally bearable.

This morning the swelling has gone down quite a bit but it's still there. It can take a few months for the skin to retract again..that's fine it's similar to childbirth. I'm still woosy from pain pills but I can walk and bend over slowly. Pain is tolerable. I'm on an antibiotic and arnica to help with bruising.

I have had that pudge for two years, i was very self conscious about it since I'm at the beach a lot and ..well used to dance. I'm only 38 so it's too soon to be happy about having a fat stomach. I would do this again in a heartbeat. My plan is to continue with my healthy diet and exercise. In fact now I have the motivation to do more. I'll be able to pull on jeans and not have to hide the pudge with a large t shirt.

Again..I'm sharing this as information, not to encourage anyone else to do it but because I am a nurse and part of my job is educating others. I do not mind sharing my own experiences and being honest about what you can expect if you do decide to do something. Our society has many prejudices and I often feel that women (and men) would talk about things more if they felt safe from scrutiny. So, if you email me I will keep what you say confidential and I'll share with you to the best of my ability what I can.

the skin you are in

Got the call from doc yesterday..unfortunately I was at the beach so our communication was a bit difficult, what I have IS melanoma (pats self on back for correct diagnosis).

The good news (so far) is it is not thick, the biopsies are measured in thickness (mm) and mine is a smidge above 1mm . Doc says they saw clear margins but still want to do the protocol..I'll have a lymph biopsy , chest xray and standard blood tests to make sure a stray cell didn't travel. As confident as I was that this was in fact melanoma, I am very certain nothing has travelled.

He said the early detection is what saved it from possibly growing and travelling. So fingers crossed hopefully the other tests will be clear.

Can I step into nurse role again? (I love my job)

I would urge everyone to get a calendar, big enough to write in the spaces. Ask your doctor to help you fill in the days each month that you perform things like
1) skin check
2) breast check
3) paps (of course this is not monthly)
4) physicals

PREVENTATIVE AND EARLY DETECTION saves lives.

Please take care of your bodies, and do not put your job or anything else first. No one likes to go to the doctor but you will sleep easier at night if you have a clean bill of health. MANY things go undiagnosed until it's too late. My older son had his heart defect detected when he was six months old so we've been able to stay on top of his care the entire time. I visit the dreaded OB every time I'm supposed to (been getting abnormal paps for the past 14 years but followup is important)

And I know this is pessimistic sounding but PLEASE make sure you have
1) life insurance
2) living will (I know that sounds extreme)
3) keep an identification card with you at all times with your medical conditions and prescriptions on it

please, please, please get your checkups. Go in even if you feel fine.

tip number 1001 about visiting Hawaii

one of the most useful tips I can give you about visiting Hawaii (if you are staying in Waikiki)

make lunch the big meal of your day..breakfast time, if you are out early enough you will find seats but you better get out of your room by 7am or else you will stand in a long line...at lunch time a lot of people are at the beach, so make this your main 'big' meal. lunch prices are usually cheaper than dinner and you may not be as tempted to buy drinks (alcohol) which REALLY adds up and who wants a hangover in Hawaii? go swim

get dinner early..go to Subway or something quick that you can take with you to the beach. something 'to go' . most restaurants will be packed ...most tourists will hit the streets before sunset and the sidewalks will be crowded, not something fun to navigate when you are hungry.

don't bother to dress up. no one cares unless you are single and even then they probably still don't care

instead, pick up something light and easy and walk over to the beach, find a place in the grass or on a bench and then you don't have to deal with sidewalk traffic. while everyone else is waiting in line and hurrying to eat to catch the sunset, you will already be finished with dinner and have your camera ready.

once the sun drops, stay out on the street if you like activity..the street comes alive.

two of swords

interesting photo..the swords are there in case they decide to do battle, makes you wonder if they are a team or if they are both waiting to see who will draw the sword first. battles are bloody..they never end well.

I sold off the teal Sim yesterday, in a way it has lifted a pressure that 'you better go dance since this expensive costume is sitting in your closet' . I do miss dance, but I miss dance for what it is and not for performance. I miss going to good live shows and being in that community. I used to think if I kept around one costume it would motivate me to go perform again. The opportunities have definitely presented themselves. I suppose it's part of that removal process..I'm still going thru boxes of old items and I think once they are all gone, I'll be able to carefully select new items that will represent the new ??? new something. Selling things off (and donating..donated a bunch of stuff to a local art school) is a wonderful feeling, i can feel my sense of responsibilities lifting with each item that leaves. I don't have to take the time to care for those items anymore..or feel that I should be doing something with them since I have them.

Moving to Hawaii has been great for that..I used to be a packrat and keep anything that I might use ten years later. But with a small apartment shared with two dudes..and I do get most of the closet, it's much easier to have boxes gone. I'm still struggling over this one item, it's a beautiful glass horse my father gave to me years and years ago. I don't have many items left from my days with him. This horse has a broken foot so I can no longer display it or it will fall over. But I can't seem to part with it. I also have a black kimono he brought to me after a trip overseas..I don't even know which country he visited but I've had this kimono since I was 8 or so and won't part with it.

Sometimes I wish we had no furniture..maybe a couch and the tv for Survivor and Lost although lately I can't seem to find time to watch much tv either. Am more interested in reading nurse material. But there's those days of mental exhaustion when it's good to veg in front of the set. We don't pay for cable so we just get local channels..I do miss the travel channel.

I think it's time to sell Fat Boy too..I love that board. But I recently picked up a nice steady epoxy, Dong, and you can only surf one at a time right?

But life is like that, you cut some things free so that you can invite other things in. I traded out a bunch of old costume items that I probably won't wear again for an ITOUCH ipod thingie and loaded the sucker with nursing apps and a translator app that is helping me slowly learn chinese. Enough chinese to start teaching the baby.

What will come in place of the teal sim? Probably something for the new nurse job. Probably a kick ass stethoscope and a comfy pair of white crocs. A drug guide. Maybe money towards a ticket to Japan.

But today I'm slicing away work..the past couple of weeks I have been working before breathing again. In mermaid terms. Today when the boys get back from their morning beach walk I'm going to go in the water..snorkel, surf, doesn't matter..but I'll do it slowly and not think about what I have to do when I get back. I won't line up the day of work and see how much I can get done. I have felt the balance sliding lately, that voice saying ..you're working too much, too hard, slow down a bit..summer is almost over...so I better listen.

I'll still fiddle around with something later. Load new pics, post new items. Respond to inquiries. But it will be after a slow session in the water.

THE teal Sim

This costume fits me perfect and I love the color. But I have this theory when you sell or get rid of one thing, then another appears. I wonder if husbands and boyfriends are like that? Just kidding.

If you go to the dahlal website, it is similar to Gilded Night without all the turquoise ruffles
https://www.dahlal.com/default.aspx?n=1&lpc=1&lpo=5

Here's the specs:


The set comes with a veil and some extra chiffon beaded piece, I have no idea what it is, the headband (velvet), two velvet beaded gloves, the beaded neckband, the bra and the belt that is attached to a long velvet skirt. If you know Sim, you know the bra has so many beads it's like fish scales. Not like these scanty naked lycra things I see these days (scoff). The bra is a heavy velvet base, it has silver beading , large crystals, and peacock iridescent fringe. The skirt is that deep gorgeous teal everyone drools over..NOT hunter green, it is indeed teal . The belt is attached and zips on the side. Tight fitting skirt but it is slit up one side so it does not inhibit movement. In fact it makes your ass look great. The skirt has the heavily beaded belt and then has the silver embellishments on the side, and is fully covered with medium length peacock fringe everywhere. A slight shimmy makes them all dance.

Take it quick before I change my mind. Every time i put it on..oh well just take it.

I bought it lightly used from a reputable vendor, I have tried it on but never danced or performed in it. It is in impeccable condition. No odor or sign of use.

$675 plus shipping FIRM. Customer is responsible for custom/taxes if it goes overseas.

Bra: Underbust 33 inches (the strap that goes where the back bra strap is). You might be able to get a 34 inch out of it but I'd say 33 to be safe so when you go do something fancy your strap doesn't burst.

Straps are each 15 inches long..I think it is meant to be worn halter style. You will probably have to move the hooks around in fact there is a hook and eye on the bra strap but no hooks on the halter straps. Widest part of the cup is 8 inches.

Probably built for a large C but I can cram double D's in there...

on the inside are some small hooks that poke thru the lining but nothing is torn

Length of skirt from middle of belt in the center (where the V dips a bit) to hem is 39 inches. From top of belt down the SIDE is 42 inches (I guess this accounts for booty room).
Belt is approximately 37 inches. Below the belt where the velvet skirt starts, it is stretchy so a pair of curvy hips could fit in it just fine. Depending on where you like to wear your belt, it worked for me to have a slimmer waistline and wear the belt low, and have enough room in the skirt for my booty and hips.

if you are looking for a matching silk veil, Tickle me Teal will match, so would A'Kai Bloom, Temptation, Hummingbird..

All SALES FINAL

email akaisilksinfo@yahoo.com

coffee goddess

i have an ideeeyah...

want to buy a kiosk and paint it bright tropical colors and hang long grass and coconuts from it, you know real cheeseball ABC Hawaii stuff. i'm gonna get a generator and hook up my Keurig coffeemaker, and sell coffee and water on the beach. for two bucks a cup. no plastic cups, i'll have to use ceramic to cut back on trash..i'll have a dishwasher clean the cups as everyone does their shots. we might need an extra cart for cups.

ok anyways, coffee and bottled water. maybe kava too but i'm not sure of the current legalities of that. we had a kava hut on big island but only us locals went out that way. kava gives you an interesting buzz. don't plan on doing anything afterwards. it's best done ceremonially but i know of a gal in Kona who sells it by the cup right along the avenue, you sit down and chug a cup and wander/teeter off down the street.

i'll have cute bikini clad chicks or bare chested local guys making the coffee (i'll be surfing) .

we'll call it Kava Java or Kava Goddess or maybe Merjava. Hey Merjava has a good smooth sound to it. NO i'm not drinking coffee right now hahahahhaaaa of course I am..i have to study. but hey wouldnt that rock?

there's a section of sand right across from the zoo (and starbucks lol) ..it's prime real estate. i bet the rent is 12k a month. maybe i can get a kama aina discount :)

isn't this the most perfect picture ever? can you think of anything better than some dude serving you fresh hot strong coffee while you are on the beach? a nice sunny warm beach? in hawaii?