how long to touch

the water again..

my dreams have been full of water and dolphins lately..my soul misses hawaii.

I'm not sure how long I've been here..over a month, probably about 5 weeks? not sure..a considerable amount of progress has been made i suppose but time drags when you exist to exist instead of meet each day with a full heart. the desert has been a delight but the cold weather is coming and the autumn weather will be gone. i'm pale and have forgotten about what it feels like to have humidity in the air.

the state board is really taking their time issueing my license. it's tough to run akai with any sort of fervor when a clinical that could start asap looms near. i don't want to be too immersed in silk to have to turn around and slow things to complete the clinical..there is more than enough work on the table right now to hold me over for the four weeks that clinical will take. then i am free to wait for a job here in arizona or apply back in hawaii. i may do both at the same time and see who hires me first. if mayo hires me on i'll do a year there..somehow.

such a strange twist to come back to the desert i hated years ago to complete a clinical in hospital type nursing when all along i love hawaii the most and so far, based on limited experience, do not want to work in hospitals

there is a darkness in this house that won't go away..i'm out in the sun enough during the day but this house sits so that it's always in shade. i can't stand it. and i know summer it's too hot to be outside. i can't live indoors. wow i miss hawaii so much.

waiting another phase of the moon..perhaps by this time in 28 days i'll have made it part way thru clinical

is it just a mirage?

This afternoon the little red car sped me thru the mountainous terrain of Scottsdale, I've never been too familiar with the area other than clubbing in the townie parts in my 20's, as I get to know the desert landmarks up there I am liking it more and more.

I knew it was going to be the Mayo clinic from a distance. A tall square like building in the middle of a clearing, situated on a large, well landscaped desert lot with its own ecosystem. MAYO CLINIC in what looks like silver lettering on the top of the entrance. It was pretty spectacular.

I tend to have a fairy tale image of medicine still..I believe in good doctors and nurses who really can save people. I believe in miracle treatments, and of patients who comply with treatments and see results. I believe in preventative care where patients take the initiative in caring for their bodies before trouble starts, instead of heading towards failure then blaming a diagnosis.

It was something I did not let on much about but my last clinical day in Hawaii was a really good one in a way, but a not so good one for the 'health' of nursing homes. I had had enough of a charge nurse at the facility berating every nurse on the floor. After shift report I made sure the nurses getting report overhear me say to stop talking to me like that and show me how to do something instead of demanding I do something that I did not understand (paperwork) then bitching when it wasn't done properly. I had asked her a few times to show me the paperwork and each time she turned away. She's bitter..I understand..she's spent her career in nursing homes. That takes serious courage and stamina. Working in nursing homes, well I will step on that rock a different day. That's worth pages and pages of blogs in itself. Anyways, she didn't care for the fact that a new agency nurse was not scared to face her and speak up. Instead of listening to the problem and how communication could be improved, working conditions improved, nursing work strengthened, she chose to walk off. I felt relieved with myself , for after a 9 year absence, of not allowing myself to be talked down to. Self respect was a defining moment. On the downside, that nursing home will continue to deteriorate under crappy management and ill support for their staff.

I don't know exactly why Mayo offers a fresh start. I didn't really set out to be a hospital nurse but if I had to choose a hospital to work in, this would be one to consider. Computerized charting, pyxis systems that made sense, a slow quiet pace on the floor, no overhead speakers, all white uniforms (sure makes a place look organized), a friendly, helpful staff. Let's not mention the cutting edge research. Let's not forget the transplants.

I first saw the MAYO building and felt a pride and a future of excitement that I have never ever experienced before as a facility nurse. Sure, it could end up being just another hospital with its problems. But I think this place is something special, and I can't wait to get hired on. I'd love for this to be the place where I do my time.

falling stars

day two, the patient census was the same, luckily there were no new admits or labs or xrays but the patients i did have were a handful. i plunged right in to the med pass and prayed nothing else would happen until i could get a good portion of it done. it seems it would make more sense to me, if there is a 7am med pass, to start report at 530 so we could be on the floor with the keys by 0600. but not much makes sense about facility organization.

those who are arguing over health care reform..press the reset button and please first start with the organization of facilities. the whole thing needs to be flushed and re-done. it's a mess. i don't even know where to start.

the bully nurse was there, once again schooling the night nurse on everything she didn't do, instead of thanking her for what she did do. i've developed a quick relationship with the night nurse and told her that she was doing a great job, that no single nurse can handle all those tasks alone. i must have had a very set expression on my face yesterday as the bully nurse left me alone. she must have realized that i am a damn good nurse and even after a long absence i busted ass and took names. she told me that she would handle the front desk and doc orders and i would run the floor..which i agreed to quickly. then i found her outside playing guitar. AND she left before shift report. i'm stunned. the agency nurse..that's me..was the one who stayed longest.

yesterday one of our patients was starting to ..fall.. we refer to hospice patients as falling stars. as you know i've done hospice work before and felt very fulfilled by it.

this lady , we'll call her Eve, was starting to have the shallow rapid breathing, body rigidity, slight fever, and was not responding to verbal anymore. i saw the hospice nurse assigned to Eve make a quick visit but she was outta there before i had a chance to ask anything. the family started arriving, all of them, so i ended up spending a lot of time with them and assuming the hospice nurse role. they needed answers to questions about the death process. they wanted comfort knowing Eve was not in pain. of course they asked me when she would pass and we can't answer that. one of the grand daughters asked me if Eve could hear her if she knelt by the bed and talked to her..i said yes, she can, so she spent some time talking to Grandma. There was a strong family dynamic, it was obvious one of the sons was the leader of the family and his distance and face rigidity made the other family members tense.

This facility does not necessarily do daily charting on a patient. I pulled the chart to see nothing had been written since the 27th. Her bp had been high and she had been agitated following a fall (no injury). I reviewed her history so I could better answer their questions and get a better picture of what was happening. The nurse who had visited that day had not left any charting or note but maybe it's faxed over later? I don't know. All I could see was nurse assistant reports with vital signs and the general 'no change' status.

I could feel with this nursing intuition I've been blessed with that this family just needed a nurse to be there with them to answer questions.

At one point I was standing next to Eve, the one son who was the family leader, unbreakable, showing no emotion, was standing on the other side of the bed. I touched Eve's hand with my own, then reached out and took his hand. He jerked away. I looked up at him and took his hand firmly but gently, then used my hand to place his hand on Eve. His shoulders dropped and he started crying. I could see relief ..there was a gasp in the room. I was later told that no one in the family had ever seen this man cry. He looked up at me and gave me a single nod.

There was a quietness in the room and there was also a glow as if tiny candles were set around the room. I'm not sure how to describe it..death has an anticipation somewhat similar to the arrival or birth of a baby, of course the energy is different but there is an anticipation in the room. Eveyone was very peaceful.

My prayers to Eve and her family.

day one

was as expected..the night nurse was so far behind we didn't get report for thirty minutes which left me already behind a stiff heavy med pass on my first day. i felt bad for her since she was getting her ass chewed up one side and down the error by one of the old school nurses who felt it was her only concern to nitpick. i guess that old school nurse has forgotten what it's like to be a floor nurse and prefers to hide behind a desk with paperwork. she's forgotten the troubles of being on the front line. that's fine i'd much rather be on the front line. but hey lady if your ass is going to be sitting behind a desk all day don't give me the cell phone to answer while i'm holding morphine sulfate in my hand.

i'm pleased to know that at 38 years old i've really grown into myself, i do not really know any more about nursing that i did when i was 28, but the life experience has provided a confidence that simply won't take shit from others. if the old school nurse could ask a question without adding "you haven't bothered to do this yet have you" the day would run smoother. nurses need to work as a team, we are already up against nearly insurmountable conditions.

but i did it and i did not go home feeling deflated or emotionally abused. i feel ready to meet her head on again today.

they stuck me on the crappy hallway, i knew they would. census 19 of some pretty involved cases. three labs, one xray, doc order changes, a new admit. wound care, jevity feeding x 2, an incident report and i caught a pretty hairy med error that was incorrectly transcribed and has been going on for two weeks. hey old school nurse with your ass sitting how did you not catch that since you are so by the book?

back again today. glad i work two days a week. met with two hospice nurses who practically guaranteed me jobs on the spot. i'm torn between trying to get in to labor and delivery and going to hospice. hospice thrives on team work and you leave the day feeling like you really made a difference.

general nurse blog disclaimer

Yesterday was a five hour orientation back into a life I left behind 9 years ago for too many reasons to count. I do not know what lies ahead and can't pre-judge my reactions but it's sort of like being previously married and then entering into a new marriage with more info and experience about what to expect..knowing that nursing is not a fairy tale where you put bandaids on people and heal them and they smile and everyone is saved. I have 9 years more life experience , am more confident in myself as a person, am more assertive dealing with crappy attitude people, and found that I truly do love working with the elderly.

My disclaimer is that I will be sharing a lot of stories about working as and being a nurse. It is my priestesshood, something I took an oath for (and had to take time off from). I will use names but not the real name of the person involved. Blogs are for information and entertainment purposes. We see so many fragile and uplifting human conditions..what better way to learn about the human race than to understand them inside out.

I do not assume that I am on expert on anything. crap, I've been out for nine years and a lot has changed , but bedside care and an intent to heal people and to try to get a smile from them when they are in a not so good condition, is still my purpose. I do not treat conditions I treat people.

Nine years later it does not surprise me how many times I see other medical professionals treating patients as the job, and forgetting to say hi to them with a smile or asking about their family. Nursing homes are tough places to work, we see the same faces and sometimes get a new admit. But in that way, you end up developing relationships with people. You are going to know that Edith won't take her meds first time around but soon she'll forget about it and 20 minutes later take them without an issue. You will know Yumi will yammer at you until she gets coffee. You will know that 70 pound Irene will set off her alert constantly by trying to get out of her wheelchair but if you park her near your cart and talk to her quietly, she'll stay put and then by breakfast time you will find her asleep on her eggs and toast.

yesterday my confidence skyrocketed. I guess the crowded mind tries to figure out what was left behind and how much is really remembered. I have never worked as an RN in a hospital setting, I worked as an LPN in school in long term care, skilled nursing, assisted living and hospice. After graduation I charmed the recruiter at a hospice into training me as a hospice nurse. LOVED the job. May end up back there. But I did a lot of agency work and loved the freedom.

So yesterday was ease, the brain sparked alive by seeing charts and things i thought i may have forgotten. I'm still a bit rusty and won't be rushing off to start any iv's on a dehydrated or agitated patient. But I was able to competently discuss conditions with family members (teaching is my fave part of nursing next to getting a smile from the grouchy ones) , the cart was familiar in its stacked chaos of meds , I knew a treatment cart charting, I knew where to place doc orders. I could probably even shuffle slowly thru a new admit. Many nurses hate admits due to the paperwork..I love them. I love gathering information and although I am a nurse, my brain works to figure out diagnoses too. I think like a doctor and care like a nurse.

Nine years ago I went on hiatus from nursing, I was BURNT OUT after six months of being an RN. I had already worked for a few years as a CNA and LPN. I was disillusioned by the perfect world of healing and tasking that I thought nursing would be and was horrified by what goes on behind closed doors. I vowed to always be a patient advocate, screw the facility. My loyalty is and always will be with my patients.

In that time away I started a business, helped raise one son, and had another one. The baby is two and I knew it would be good timing to go back. My surgery was a week ago, to the astonished look of others I am back at work 8 days later (what's the biggie, guys?) I have been remarried, bought a house in Arizona, and found my place of heaven on earth at south shore in Waikiki. Yesterday the mini planets aligned and there was an audible click as I entered the nursing home, nine years late, and felt right at home.

Met with the usual disapproving look of nurses who work at the facility full time. Ohhh agency nurse. But I did not cower and act 'nice' ..I latched on to another agency nurse and she showed me the ropes. I felt ready to be on my own in two hours.

I love akai silks and will keep things running and balance it with my boys, with surf, and with the nurse job. but it's a wonderful feeling to walk in, clock in, clock out and know I just earned a nice chunk of change. Something that required school that was long, grueling, full of social sacrifice. I did not keep my license active but by the grace of Hawaii it was easy to get it back. I took a refresher course on my own (could have used the time better to just study from textbook) .

It is a wonderful, secure feeling to know the time I put in to the job today will result in steady pay. I can, by myself, go out and rent a penthouse unit overlooking the beach. Akai is good money, at full speed that sweetheart was a cash calf, and I put blood and sweat into it, and won't let it drift away, but the needs of the business have turned into wants and that allows a greater experimentation..and taking time off from it to renew. Akai is not always steady pay, you save for rainy days. Nursing is steady enough I would consider signing a mortgage in Hawaii if i found the right place.

With my first nurse check I'm treating my boys to new clothes and shoes and maybe some itunes for the teen.

I gotta go make a poo poo. Then answer akai emails. Then go surf :) Life is good.

survival of the fittest

yesterday was my fourth surgery of the year. i'm getting really good at this.

a few weeks ago i was diagnosed with melanoma (or skin cancer). a couple of years ago i had noticed a light brown freckle that was a bit bigger and irregular shaped over my right eyebrow area. it looked like just a freckle so i didn't have it checked out. didn't have insurance at the time.

finally went in and they did a biopsy and confirmed melanoma. have spent the last couple weeks going thru a series of tests, a PET, CT, lymphocytograph, chest xray, blood draw.

it was determined by my surgeon to remove any remaining cancerous cells and also remove the sentinel lymph node in my neck.

i'm still sedated and feeling drowsy but my appetite is excellent and i'm looking forward to getting thru a restful day and enjoying sleep again tonight. the surgery was a breeze..i remember vaguely falling asleep then waking up and the first thing i asked the nurse is if my shoulder still worked (there is risk of nerve injury which would have made it difficult to surf). James drove me home , we had a good dinner , walked around waikiki a bit and then retired to my living room to rest.

There is a long row of stitches under my right jawline. he did a great job sewing me up though, nice and straight. The incision on my forehead is a little less fortunate..forehead is swollen and i have a black eye on the top. Because the stitches pulled skin around, my eyebrow is noticeably lifted..doc says it will come back down as the stitches are removed and the skin relaxes. he also promised to fix it if it doesnt settle back in properly. i dont want to run around looking surprised all the time. i may end up getting a free brow lift to the other side . gotta love when plastic surgery is deemed medically necessary. he can take a few eye wrinkles out while he's there.

anyways, i'm going to keep bugging people to check their skin and stay on top of things. melanoma is fast growing and deadly. early detection saves lives, nevi, or moles, are very common but it's a good idea to be checked out by a dermatologist so any potential problem can be caught.

am going back to sleep

the skin you are in

Got the call from doc yesterday..unfortunately I was at the beach so our communication was a bit difficult, what I have IS melanoma (pats self on back for correct diagnosis).

The good news (so far) is it is not thick, the biopsies are measured in thickness (mm) and mine is a smidge above 1mm . Doc says they saw clear margins but still want to do the protocol..I'll have a lymph biopsy , chest xray and standard blood tests to make sure a stray cell didn't travel. As confident as I was that this was in fact melanoma, I am very certain nothing has travelled.

He said the early detection is what saved it from possibly growing and travelling. So fingers crossed hopefully the other tests will be clear.

Can I step into nurse role again? (I love my job)

I would urge everyone to get a calendar, big enough to write in the spaces. Ask your doctor to help you fill in the days each month that you perform things like
1) skin check
2) breast check
3) paps (of course this is not monthly)
4) physicals

PREVENTATIVE AND EARLY DETECTION saves lives.

Please take care of your bodies, and do not put your job or anything else first. No one likes to go to the doctor but you will sleep easier at night if you have a clean bill of health. MANY things go undiagnosed until it's too late. My older son had his heart defect detected when he was six months old so we've been able to stay on top of his care the entire time. I visit the dreaded OB every time I'm supposed to (been getting abnormal paps for the past 14 years but followup is important)

And I know this is pessimistic sounding but PLEASE make sure you have
1) life insurance
2) living will (I know that sounds extreme)
3) keep an identification card with you at all times with your medical conditions and prescriptions on it

please, please, please get your checkups. Go in even if you feel fine.

building bridges. sorry no caps today, sleep dep

years ago when i first started out in nursing, i had already decided i would work in OB or L and D..no question about it. cardio, neuro, peds, icu..nothing else excited me. i have a tolerance for surgery, pacu, plastics, derm, and psych but really felt my aptitude and real interest was in women's health. each time i had a baby (uh..twice now) , going thru the process affirmed that's where i want to be. watching multiple births affirmed it.

i worked briefly as a CNA in OB ..was my first real 'nurse assistant' job at Flagstaff Medical Center. but with a new baby and less than helpful mate, when they put me on night shifts i couldn't do it. Morgan's dad was on a path to make sure i would not succeed so that i would need him. i eventually transferred over to SNF and was miserable. didn't have to suffer too long, was accepted into the nursing program in phoenix..i did work agency as a cna then lpn..i sorta got 'stuck' in snf's and ltc's. assisted living wasn't too bad. but i always felt getting the transfer during my first job was pivotal and set the tone for many years. after earning my rn license i stuck with what i knew, happy to get a job that was non-hospital with hospice. but still worked agency. agency is wonderfully flexible and pays well. but why be paid well for work that sucks the life out of you.

ever since returning to the bay area i have felt a rush of excitement about doing something with school and career again. for the past two years i have felt pretty restless with akai. i enjoy the challenge of running a business but feel i've reached a plateau and can't produce, on my own, any more. goal met. what's next. i've battled the feelings of returning to a nurse job because i couldnt bear the thought of getting stuck again. but in a crappy economy oversaturated with new grads fighting for scraps, i was undecided what to do.

there are a lot of factors pointing towards going back to school. the money i would normally spend on stocking akai for fall season can easily pay for a full year of college. on the accelerate track i could finish my four year degree in nursing in one long hard year. once i had that degree, i could apply to grad programs. there's three i am considering..well three areas of interest. by the time i apply i should be able to narrow it down ..my heart and my head are battling it over. nurse midwife..physician assistant (always loved the medical model..even..i admit..more than the nursing model)..and nurse anesthetist.

it's a relief to not wake up and work on things like a website..it's exciting to be able to research schools and do something that will allow for upward mobility. i dont want the stubbornness of excelling at a business that i created to prevent me from moving towards another line of work that is a lot more stable. so for now i'll cross the bridge that leads to more opportunities

a return to previous self

life is so interesting as people drift in and out of your path, and you study the effect they may have on your path..maybe someone suggests a side trail and you follow along, and you learn a new perspective and then swear by it..and it becomes so much part of your life that all future decisions are influenced by it.

then you get restless, and you start your own path, or maybe go back to the trail head to walk down the path you had left behind. and you meet someone else who is there walking the same direction. and they remind you of all the dreams and ambitions you once had before your ideals went astray (or diverted). astray ideals are not a bad thing..we are all layers of experience. and trying things out.

i am remembering now who Laura King was, straight A student, champion horseback rider, disciplined, studious, career oriented. Type A. Financially conscious. Multi-tasking and can do it all. Might work self to death but enjoys the challenge.

I met someone four years ago , we remained in contact and now talk frequently. He comes from a military background like me and gives 100% every day to his job..but he is not locked down to 9 to 5. That may be his hours but his spirit is free and he enjoys every moment of life. laughs constantly. Is very driven, has a plan. Has goals, motivation.

He has reminded me of the blue ribbon that I once was, and shows by example that one can have a busy life with full time job but still be free. I used to think I was selling out if i stopped working akai full time and went back to work..oh but i'm an artist living free. how free is it though? i work long hours. i love the work but why haven't i given my other interest, medicine, a decent chance? why did i abandon it because of one job in one location under one set of circumstances? do i have what it takes to stick it out under undesirable conditions to find what i want from it?

i'm excited to be looking into grad school options. there's an excellent one here in oakland. it would take a few years and a lot of work. akai would have to go into recession..impossible to do it all. but the job i'd have the opportunity to work towards would be outstanding and once again i'd be free.

artists are free in their path..they wake up and create. but so can the military person..if they use their job as a tool to create freedom

don't leave me floatin like a turd

Ok so my RN license for state of Hawaii was approved, should get it in July (could get it sooner but it would cost $$ as their renewal dates fall in July so I may as well save the $ and wait (who me wait???)

I'm not coming down on HI state board ...but they require absolutely no refresher course of any kind to re-enter nursing. Refreshing is up to the hospital or agency who hires us. I can tell you in my experience, even the orientation for nurses who are current and active is usually piss poor. Thrown to the wolves is a good expression.

It's not that I doubt I can poke people and chart it..it's the years of not doing anything active within nursing that concerns me..I haven't looked at a patient chart in years..have not had to make decisions or assess a patient. Yet HI hands me a license just like that?

Have been doing reading and research on my own but it's like floating in a pool without an anchor..I can review labs, meds, skills, but despite the 'no need' for refresher course required by Hawaii..I'm checking into online and in person courses anyways. It would make me feel a lot better to have a mentor guide me thru an organized outline or review. At least give me an outline. Online courses are expensive and some are lengthy but at least I won't be a floatin turd.

It's not like tie dye..

but..I'm up for the academic challenge and am strongly considering going back to school to complete a BSN degree, then on to MSN

one more hoop completed

am one more tiny step, or have jumped thru one more hoop, needed to activate my nursing license again. i swear this time i won't let it lapse..it's a huge pain in the ass and a lot of paper pushing and waiting to get it back

post op and unmedicated

I love Phenergan..i think i love it more than morphine but who's gonna argue. Now..not recreationally, there's too much to deal with afterwards but i tell ya if you have to go in for a cone biopsy LEEP anything related to cervical treatment and they have to knock you out, ask about these two sweeties. I love my anesthesiologist. I especially love the nurses who wrote in big bold red letters on my chart that when i had my wisdom teeth removed a few weeks ago, i was barfing like crazy.

Surgery was a breeze, we had to get to the hospital for check in by 6am. A hot chinese male nurse admitted me, much to my delight. I love getting around nurses again and immediately fly into shop talk. I questioned the hell out of anyone within earshot..do you like your job, do you like working in SDS? What about OR? Would you ever go back to med/surg (NOT). They encouraged me to apply to a PACU or similar once we hit Oahu. Funny I had never considered SDS as a place I'd have been interested in but their job is cake and that's why they were all smiling. Admit patients, assess and do vitals, chart, educate before surgery, hand me warm blankets, receive me after surgery, immediately provide me with coffee, and educate about post op. LOVE it. I'm mentally visualizing myself in one of these positions now. I'd volunteer to get the job. I'd grovel. But..after summer when I've spent the days surfing first hehehe. No need to rush back in .

So I did have a bit of post op woosy..not in the tum tum but my head was spinning and threatening to travel to the stomach for launch. Nurse guy tried to talk me into Meclizine,..he says Phenergan is going to make me sleepy. I remind him I have no plans for the day and have been awake since 4am and hubby has the day off so he grins and gives me a push of Phenergan. Ahhhh instant head woosy relief. Intense feelings of womblike comfort and wanting to go night night. I could fall asleep standing up. Someone could pickpocket me or steal my clothes leaving me stark naked in the hospital and I'd have a meaningful relaxed smile as I drifted off to sleep. Lovely lovely.

Got home and parked it in bed for two hours, got up to eat fruit loops and pee out a lot of iv fluid, went right back to sleep, i woke up multiple times catching myself snoring. Woke up around 4 and kept myself awake so that i could sleep at night, i didnt want the aid of percocet..only took one and it managed the pain fine. woke up around 3 to pee and was up for an hour, took a tylenol and fell back asleep. right now tylenol and a small amount of coffee is handling the pain. i don't feel that bad at all knock on wood. it feels like i was pinched on the inside, but it's deal-able ya know. not like the bring me death feeling of having my teeth broken and yanked from my head. fucking oral surgeon. i told the nurses about my experience and they joked he must be using old school medications since i got so sick from the anesthesia.

oh nurses i miss you guys. i dont miss the bitchy snarky charge nurse who would bully me when i was a first year agency nurse. boy would i fly threw my shift, not eat, not pee, to make sure all the charting was done and i was ready for report. she used to love to find fault with anything i did wrong. boy did i hate her. nurses should not eat their young. but most of the nurses i have experienced and worked with have been peaches and i do miss the professional comraderie. you might be working with me again after i buff up and tan this summer (priorities )

need your temp taken?

oh i wish for god sake i could just have the yes from state board of nursing. there's no reason to think i won't get it back but waiting drives me nuts. maybe they'll tell me no stupid you haven't been a nurse for 8 years you need to start over.

i've been spending time on nursing forums lately 'remembering' why i left to begin with. LOTS of problems. none to do with the patients. wiping butt isnt fun but it's not what bothered me. i'm hearing of more nursing cuts, forcing nurses who already worked under unsafe conditions to do more. i wonder why ANA or some other org doesnt step in and advocate for the safety of the patients more and REQUIRE that hospitals staff more nurses. they need to figure out a different way to cut costs other than a workforce. and it seems like hospitals aren't suffering from the economy..there's just as many sick people. so why the cuts?

i have initial reports from the acct that yes akai remains to be profitable. but we are still going to sit down after the rush of tax season and discuss whether or not, for financial means, it is more cost effective for me to put in a straight 8 to 12 hours as a nurse, no fuss, taxes taken out, or persist on with the ongoing colorful chaos of business. had you asked me yesterday i would have again opted to go to nursing. it might have been because i was exhausted, ran ass all day dyeing, photographing, listing, packaging. again for the TIME involved in running it, and the expenses that may be brushed under the rug and ignored..i crave simplicity.

nothing is better than unwrapping a dye project and finding something you are proud of. nurturing the creative side is deeply satisfying. but when it's a rush and a 50 to 60 hour job, it's draining.

tho my acct surely has a list, i started my own list of the expenses of business, all the little things like website cost, business insurance, newsletter expense, paypal fees, extra shipping that i almost always cover, the rising cost of silk and supplies. i like the 'independence' but there's not much freedom in it when you HAVE TO work or fall so far behind that you want to dig your own grave.

should i suffer two or three days a week and get steady pay? or scramble every day of the week?

yet another morning i look longingly at a stack of cds i'd love to listen to and dance around but know that business should come first

the universe works in peculiar ways

I'm within weeks of holding a nurse license again yet as I step closer to that 'back up' plan , akai pulls me back in. I did not decide to go back to nursing because sales are suffering. They are down from last year but not enough to affect us financially..and last years I was still actively running auctions on ebay so even though I'm only mostly on etsy now, the drop in sales has been minimal. I think partly due to the growing demand for the clothing pieces.

Just had two inquiries this past week that should make life very interesting. One order is enough to provide residual income for the entire summer. It's a store in Italy. They like the uniqueness of the items. I suppose that is why I am such a bitch about maintaining originality and politely knocking someone in the head if they are making items that closely resemble my own. Go find your own coconut tree.

Nah the interest in returning to nursing has been purely challenge based. I love managing a company and really love that I know enough about dance to have intelligent helpful conversations with full time dancers about it. But there is an academic challenge to nursing that I crave. And of course the pay is excellent.

We'll be analyzing if it's more cost effective for me to stay home with JR and save the cost of daycare, gas, car expense and wardrobe or work pt as a nurse which is pretty consistent pay but will require daycare a couple days a week. Preschool is coming soon, I want to enjoy what time is left.

The summer appears to be a choice between beachgoing with Zachary and dabbling away at dyeing or putting in some time at the agency. I do think the first one sounds more appealing but we'll see. Maybe i can do both.

wooo LOST was great tonight

anyone else watch it? makes me miss Oahu. the boat scene looks like Ala Moana harbor area.

so two state boards of nursing are so different


az: application may take 270 days to process, then a refresher course needed, then 160 clinical hours, then you get your license

hi: application once turned in and verified will take about 14 business days. no CE units needed.


once i have the RN license i can take advanced esthetic courses. no clinical hours needed to start the course. basically i can be certfied to pop monster zits and do nice facials. tempting huh. zits or silk

free to choose

the good thing is i can choose which way to go..

after how many years now? i feel a sense of completion, i'm not exactly sure what i set out to do with akai but on many levels it feels complete and done. as if i don't really need to do any more for any reason other than enjoyment. akai has now enabled me to be at home with both of my boys, at different stages and ages, and has helped me buy two houses. it bought me boobs. it bought me surfboards and costumes i probably never needed. but it was beyond financial. it was never intended to be a business, only a way for me to make a bit of money on the side but keep me with the kids.

'v had many waffling feelings over the months about wanting to continue. it's tough to think about doing something else when you love it so much and you actually know a thing or two about it. but yes lately there's been as many days that i dont feel like dyeing any more veils than there has been of wanting to. i'm confident that i always WILL dye things and i 'm still loving the painted ones. but doing it full time is a different consideration. or i should say continuing to do it.

anyone who runs a business knows it requires more working hours than a normal job. how 'free' we are to choose what we do each day.

but a big part of me desires a steady pt job , knowing when the day ends i dont have emails that i really should tend to or that i should put more hours into perfecting the site, learning more about advertising, finding new items to create to keep it fresh.

people think you are free from a business but you are often more married to it than anything else. i'd like to NOT have to have an art space, and be tied to the home base all the time or tied to a computer all the time, or near email . i'd like to get off the highway at night and read a book without guilt, or spend a day off actually doing day off things instead of catching up with an insurmountable amount of work. work is never done. i'd like to experience being challenged in different ways other than how much fabric can i dye in one day or what gross sales will be this month. it's been accomplished, again i feel satisfied from it. i feel completion.

there is a change going on inside and i'm not sure the outcome. i will be submitting my application to renew my nurse license. it could take up to a year. funny huh? nurse shortage yet it could take up to a year. i'm going to think positive and believe that i'll have it back in less than a year. once i have it, i will need to complete a refresher course and complete some clinical hours. never thought i'd say this but i'm looking forward to the academic challenge again.

sure it's a logical choice. it should be pretty easy to get a job as a nurse again. after i 'do my time' for the first year or two i should be able to have quite a bit of leeway about deciding where to go with it again.

freedom to me right now seems like working for a nurse agency where i can spend nine months working 36 hours and the summer cutting back to almost nothing. i can work in phoenix all winter and hawaii all summer. i can work enough so my husband doesnt have to worry about getting a job in a competitive market right now.

things felt very light and easy today.

we know if we get the house in az , we have a plan to rent it until we are ready to live in it. we may live in it this year or in ten years. it may take a year to get the license back , so over the next year (or less) i can relax and enjoy akai and what comes of it, but no longer have to break my neck to keep pushing, pushing, striving, achieving, proving. there's a wheel turning and it's turning in the right direction.

until my license is renewed i've considered working the business three weeks out of each month. that means for three weeks i'll dye, fill orders, list on etsy, mail, etc and then for one week i'll close shop and take the baby to the zoo.

kween of kopper

so despite the risk that my henna'd hair may turn green if it was dyed over, i turned it over to the colorist and told her i wanted deep sangria burgundy red hair with copper and red rock highlights. i've never been happier with my hair..wish the length was there but at least there's something interesting to look at now. it gets me back in glam mode. i've been wearing torn sarongs and no makeup for far too long. hair color changes everything.

i dont miss dyeing things yes. i do like staring at colors and thinking about it but this week my brain has been consumed with checking on nursing jobs of where i'd LIKE to work in an ideal situation. TY and i have placed a friendly challenge on each other that I will get a better paying job before he does, if that is the case he may just work part time or not at all, and watch the baby. there are , of course, quite a number of opportunities in arizona, last night i made a list of links i'd like to explore. i sure can't do that while i'm listing things on etsy. it's gotta be one or the other. interesting..my chinese horoscope said i would be making a significant career change this year that would lead to more financial security. TY and i know that if we both worked full time (him in his job and my job as a nurse) that we could pay off our new house in under two years. i could work full time to do that. even back in nursing jobs i'm not so thrilled about i could do that again, for a year, to pay off a house.

dropping akai back to part time or fun only would take a lot of pressure off ..i could clock out at the end of the day and go home and not have to answer emails or give up another weekend to dye things. i know that sounds pretty spoiled but i have not really had much time off for the past ten years. some people think when you run your own business you have freedom and can choose to not work. in many cases that's true but in most cases you end up working more. and feel guilty if you are not working.

ok not that akai is going bye bye forever. just a break. hiatus. still squeak out a few things when needed but instead focus on a career where i am still working with women and helping them to feel beautiful, but in a different way. healing but with something other than silk.