the kiss of sleep

i don't think i'm gonna get lucky enough to be blessed with a waking kiss from some hot dude. but i'll take the sleep.

the other day after surgery..i normally come home and sleep for three to four hours, for some reason i made myself wake up and pulled thru, and stayed awake till rather late. dumb but i didnt want to sleep my boys' entire birthday away. so i've been playing catch up the last couple of nights and unfortunately 6 hours a night is not enough.

yesterday was really emotional..withdrawals from pain medications and four hours of sleep the night before. finding out the cancer had all been removed and the lymph node was clear. i think it was the first time i've exhaled in three weeks. and even after that i still went to bed late.

this morning the coffee was fine but by 10 i was ready for a nap, crashed for an hour, solid. woke up still feeling exhausted. relief is exhausting. took z to the park this afternoon and hid in the shadows so i wouldn't scare the birds, he went to bed after seven and i fell in around nine.

each time i wake up i notice an ache lower and lower in the body. it's as if the body is slowly removing the toxins and treatments in regions. my head is still hurting from the facial edema and the worst part is being restricted from activities i love. a small but impatient price to pay for peace of mind. today the ache is in the neck area so tomorrow it will be in the shoulders. it will take maybe a week to move out. i hate having a numb brain that can't think, can't remember, can't study, and can't be creative. i'm like this when i have a flu too, am pissed if i'm not out of bed skydiving by day three.

next week, i hope starts a new cycle. i see the surgeon on tuesday for a check up. he may tell me that i can go back in the water, but i'm still scared of turning my neck too quickly and having my head fall off. the incision is pretty long.

wednesday i am supposed to do my first nurse orientation in 8 years or so..i hope this agency keeps their word and sends me out. i have been so busy juggling akai orders and working around almost daily doctor appointments. i'd love to say that i am cutting back on akai to work as a nurse but i think it will take time to transition. i dont know if i will be happy with agency work and may end up putting effort into finding something more permanent.

there are a couple of boys breathing down my neck anxious to see how the new schedule of me working will be. i told them this first year is like being a student again and i am going to be very committed to learning my new job, and/or holding out for the one i want, and my kids and job will come first with surfing as a close second. anything after that filters into married life. i know that's not nice but i've given a lot of everything to a marriage for three years and raised a baby and not feel like it's time to focus on nursing.

well..woke up but am feeling the slide towards sleep again. i hope the ache moves further south and we get thru this quickly..there's so much life to continue on with

survival of the fittest

yesterday was my fourth surgery of the year. i'm getting really good at this.

a few weeks ago i was diagnosed with melanoma (or skin cancer). a couple of years ago i had noticed a light brown freckle that was a bit bigger and irregular shaped over my right eyebrow area. it looked like just a freckle so i didn't have it checked out. didn't have insurance at the time.

finally went in and they did a biopsy and confirmed melanoma. have spent the last couple weeks going thru a series of tests, a PET, CT, lymphocytograph, chest xray, blood draw.

it was determined by my surgeon to remove any remaining cancerous cells and also remove the sentinel lymph node in my neck.

i'm still sedated and feeling drowsy but my appetite is excellent and i'm looking forward to getting thru a restful day and enjoying sleep again tonight. the surgery was a breeze..i remember vaguely falling asleep then waking up and the first thing i asked the nurse is if my shoulder still worked (there is risk of nerve injury which would have made it difficult to surf). James drove me home , we had a good dinner , walked around waikiki a bit and then retired to my living room to rest.

There is a long row of stitches under my right jawline. he did a great job sewing me up though, nice and straight. The incision on my forehead is a little less fortunate..forehead is swollen and i have a black eye on the top. Because the stitches pulled skin around, my eyebrow is noticeably lifted..doc says it will come back down as the stitches are removed and the skin relaxes. he also promised to fix it if it doesnt settle back in properly. i dont want to run around looking surprised all the time. i may end up getting a free brow lift to the other side . gotta love when plastic surgery is deemed medically necessary. he can take a few eye wrinkles out while he's there.

anyways, i'm going to keep bugging people to check their skin and stay on top of things. melanoma is fast growing and deadly. early detection saves lives, nevi, or moles, are very common but it's a good idea to be checked out by a dermatologist so any potential problem can be caught.

am going back to sleep

the skin you are in

Got the call from doc yesterday..unfortunately I was at the beach so our communication was a bit difficult, what I have IS melanoma (pats self on back for correct diagnosis).

The good news (so far) is it is not thick, the biopsies are measured in thickness (mm) and mine is a smidge above 1mm . Doc says they saw clear margins but still want to do the protocol..I'll have a lymph biopsy , chest xray and standard blood tests to make sure a stray cell didn't travel. As confident as I was that this was in fact melanoma, I am very certain nothing has travelled.

He said the early detection is what saved it from possibly growing and travelling. So fingers crossed hopefully the other tests will be clear.

Can I step into nurse role again? (I love my job)

I would urge everyone to get a calendar, big enough to write in the spaces. Ask your doctor to help you fill in the days each month that you perform things like
1) skin check
2) breast check
3) paps (of course this is not monthly)
4) physicals

PREVENTATIVE AND EARLY DETECTION saves lives.

Please take care of your bodies, and do not put your job or anything else first. No one likes to go to the doctor but you will sleep easier at night if you have a clean bill of health. MANY things go undiagnosed until it's too late. My older son had his heart defect detected when he was six months old so we've been able to stay on top of his care the entire time. I visit the dreaded OB every time I'm supposed to (been getting abnormal paps for the past 14 years but followup is important)

And I know this is pessimistic sounding but PLEASE make sure you have
1) life insurance
2) living will (I know that sounds extreme)
3) keep an identification card with you at all times with your medical conditions and prescriptions on it

please, please, please get your checkups. Go in even if you feel fine.