free to choose

the good thing is i can choose which way to go..

after how many years now? i feel a sense of completion, i'm not exactly sure what i set out to do with akai but on many levels it feels complete and done. as if i don't really need to do any more for any reason other than enjoyment. akai has now enabled me to be at home with both of my boys, at different stages and ages, and has helped me buy two houses. it bought me boobs. it bought me surfboards and costumes i probably never needed. but it was beyond financial. it was never intended to be a business, only a way for me to make a bit of money on the side but keep me with the kids.

'v had many waffling feelings over the months about wanting to continue. it's tough to think about doing something else when you love it so much and you actually know a thing or two about it. but yes lately there's been as many days that i dont feel like dyeing any more veils than there has been of wanting to. i'm confident that i always WILL dye things and i 'm still loving the painted ones. but doing it full time is a different consideration. or i should say continuing to do it.

anyone who runs a business knows it requires more working hours than a normal job. how 'free' we are to choose what we do each day.

but a big part of me desires a steady pt job , knowing when the day ends i dont have emails that i really should tend to or that i should put more hours into perfecting the site, learning more about advertising, finding new items to create to keep it fresh.

people think you are free from a business but you are often more married to it than anything else. i'd like to NOT have to have an art space, and be tied to the home base all the time or tied to a computer all the time, or near email . i'd like to get off the highway at night and read a book without guilt, or spend a day off actually doing day off things instead of catching up with an insurmountable amount of work. work is never done. i'd like to experience being challenged in different ways other than how much fabric can i dye in one day or what gross sales will be this month. it's been accomplished, again i feel satisfied from it. i feel completion.

there is a change going on inside and i'm not sure the outcome. i will be submitting my application to renew my nurse license. it could take up to a year. funny huh? nurse shortage yet it could take up to a year. i'm going to think positive and believe that i'll have it back in less than a year. once i have it, i will need to complete a refresher course and complete some clinical hours. never thought i'd say this but i'm looking forward to the academic challenge again.

sure it's a logical choice. it should be pretty easy to get a job as a nurse again. after i 'do my time' for the first year or two i should be able to have quite a bit of leeway about deciding where to go with it again.

freedom to me right now seems like working for a nurse agency where i can spend nine months working 36 hours and the summer cutting back to almost nothing. i can work in phoenix all winter and hawaii all summer. i can work enough so my husband doesnt have to worry about getting a job in a competitive market right now.

things felt very light and easy today.

we know if we get the house in az , we have a plan to rent it until we are ready to live in it. we may live in it this year or in ten years. it may take a year to get the license back , so over the next year (or less) i can relax and enjoy akai and what comes of it, but no longer have to break my neck to keep pushing, pushing, striving, achieving, proving. there's a wheel turning and it's turning in the right direction.

until my license is renewed i've considered working the business three weeks out of each month. that means for three weeks i'll dye, fill orders, list on etsy, mail, etc and then for one week i'll close shop and take the baby to the zoo.